Lexie Bean

www.lexiebean.com

making! around themes of bodies, homes, cyclical violence, and trans identity. stick around & find out. www.lexiebean.com

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npub1s8c5mk68qn0erxrx5waqz7xxk39x5xx2367879eqcv270tqs4tvsf5ewgf

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lexiebean@nos.social

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nprofile1qqsgru2dmdrsfhu3npn28wsp0rrtgjn2rr9ga0rlzusvx9084sg24kga2fjny

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npub1s8c5mk68qn0erxrx5waqz7xxk39x5xx2367879eqcv270tqs4tvsf5ewgf

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Last Notes

2024-10-11 15:48:04

i’m helping plan a staff trip to punta del este, uruguay this nov. anyone out here have recommendations for additional excursions or activities we should be considering? i will also be staying in uruguay an extra few days, and am open to suggestions for that :)

2024-09-26 02:24:06

Damn, I revisited this essay I wrote for Teen Vogue a long time ago and got teary?? Putting here so I can remember to learn from past Lex.
https://www.teenvogue.com/story/what-transisbeautiful-means-to-me
***
What #TransIsBeautiful Means to Me
"I have suffered the most when other people find beauty in the wrong things."
BY LEXIE BEAN
JUNE 12, 2018
#TransIsBeautiful is one of the most used trans-related hashtags on social media. For many of us, beauty means completion, passing as a man or woman worth knowing. As trans people, we often correlate safety with being easier for other people to understand, easier to hold. We have to call ourselves "beautiful" before anyone else calls us something else.
According to a 2015 survey from the National Center for Transgender Equality, 47% of trans and nonbinary people experience sexual assault at some point in their lifetimes. When putting together an anthology full of letters that fellow trans and nonbinary sexual assault and domestic violence survivors wrote to their body parts, Written on the Body, contributors most often asked me about “enoughness.” Am I trans enough to write something? Passing enough? Am I survivor enough? Am I a burden? Who would even want to read this?
Is my body beautiful enough to write a letter to? Is it worth knowing?
To be a survivor, to be trans, is to be tricked into believing your body is inherently a burden, in the way of a destination that someone else decided on for you. Named with a gender that was never mine, my body was put in places it didn’t want to go. I have suffered the most when other people find beauty in the wrong things.
For too long, I thought it was my responsibility to make life easier for others. I thought that framing my life in clear steps would relieve the problem and I would become beautiful: I will find a life partner and will never be assaulted again; I will take hormones and get The Haircut; my PTSD flashbacks will be gone; I will no longer use the name Lexie, even if I like it, in exchange for something more boyish. I’ve tried to save myself by fabricating a happy ending — I told myself that “only then I can share bravely and beautifully.” “Only then I can organize this book project for fellow trans survivors.” It’s only then that I can help others “feel better.”
The truth is, I’m afraid to grow out my hair because I don’t want people to think I am “de-transitioning.” I’m afraid to wear dresses because what if someone is relieved to see my hips and calls me beautiful in a way that I don’t identify with. I’m afraid to wear makeup because I will disrupt how they understand the word “boy.” I’m afraid to tell someone not to eat Peanut M&M’s before kissing me; I will disrupt how they understand my “it happened when I was 9.” I’m afraid to tell anyone about the assault that happened around the publishing of Written on the Body. I’m afraid to say that I love them. I’m afraid to say that they never called me beautiful once, and I took that as a good sign.
Some call me a failed boy. Some call me a failed girl. I will never be fully healed. I was afraid to tell anyone what happened some nights because they couldn’t be paired with #TransIsBeautiful. It is not a beauty easy to consume.
Did you know that I’m growing out my hair now? Did you know that I still use the name Lexie? Did you know that I had a nightmare last night? Did you know that I have three dresses left in my closet?
As the organizer of Written on the Body, I do feel afraid that my non-passing transness and seemingly never-ending history of assault will never make my sharing conclusive enough to be beautiful or “inspirational.” I did not make this book to feel better. Beautiful does not mean better, because no body forgets. I made the anthology to allow myself and others to feel real, bringing together people who are in totally different places within identity and healing. I made it to offer a reminder that we carry trauma in our hair, fingertips, and all the other places we decorate, just as much as we do in our assumed genitals. I made it to remind myself that one day I can sign a letter to my back with love, and on the next page there is patience, and on the next page there is fear, and they can all exist within the same body and the same body of work.
To be a “beautiful” survivor, to be a “beautiful” trans person, is to have a story that isn’t mine. I have fears. I don’t have an ending point. I just want to be healthy, in community; I want to remember where I’ve been without judgement about where I’m going. As said by one of the contributors of Written on the Body, Dānní Hú-Yáng, “The most rewarding part of transitioning is learning about myself, learning about how I want to express myself, when do I feel comfortable, when do I feel anxious, and in what way do I want to connect with others.” No matter where you are, your sharing is valuable because it’s yours. That is why we say #TransIsBeautiful; we are ongoing and worth knowing.

2024-09-23 01:18:07

https://image.nostr.build/ecc1a948117a367794102aba3559e352745bdb87abfa5da47bf997bdd2c8a8e9.jpg
It's banned book week. & Let me tell you, having a banned book might ~~sound cool,~~ but the reality is harder if you're not one of the 30 books that gets put on the fun Barnes & Noble banned book shelf. These lists have thousands of books - which disproportionately impacts first-time authors and qt & bipoc authors writing with nuance and inspiration from their lived experiences. It takes a lot of internal work not to internalize these additional barriers.
There are a lot of ways you can support those of us who end up on these lists beyond buying and elevating the books, or even signing relevant petitions. You can write reviews (for example, many will go out of their way to give trans books like mine one star), request your local library and store to carry specific titles, host a book club, bring any of us as guests at your school, support our future projects in all stages of creation, etc. Here is me the first time I held a copy of "The Ship We Built" after six years of working on it. I was so happy.

2024-09-19 03:55:58

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO3XbmqdkU0
I just learned about Australia banning children from using social media. I thought people here might have interesting opinions on this move if you wanna share.

2024-09-14 02:48:51

https://image.nostr.build/adde1f22159117c2bf65f5a50b353b39444febaf66797d868dad646c11f4d150.jpg
The American Society of Journalists and Authors’ 2024 Conference is around the corner, September 24-26th online. There will be 100+ speakers. You can register at www.asja.org! I’m gonna be on a panel about ~literary agents~ and demystifying that process of finding one for you. We had our prep meeting today, and it was interesting that none of us on the panel followed the traditional route of cold queries. If you decide you don’t want to register, but maybe have questions on the topic - you can write them below!

2024-08-28 14:13:09

Inspired by a text-convo I’ve been having recently, curious to know what’s your definition of the suburbs?

2024-08-21 05:11:04

https://image.nostr.build/0ab522aeb96522e0f801312397d78dbf5049d1e3012e91b2b8fcd8c7c49d2281.jpg
Collage inspired by an early draft of “The Ship We Built,” called “In The Bloodstream.” It was inspired by my childhood fantasy that there were whales living inside my bloodstream and bellybuttons were akin to their blowholes. Was special to sneak that nugget into a novel so many years later.

2024-08-21 04:59:55

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@npub1yl8…vz34 !

2024-08-21 04:58:01

https://video.nostr.build/93529f246de771d9998525b8edb220ccb3b305ffb40ba785cd8966213a06cbc6.mp4
Will go to Brooklyn to sing in a basement Celine Dion choir mashup // ty, Gaia Music Collective

2024-08-19 18:43:10

https://image.nostr.build/1eaf34fa3f408830c4bcc152e46540f8e7cfb65a02830a952ef437c6e05a2a18.jpg
After several months of working together, @npub1wmr…g240 and I finally met! Bazaar (and good).

2024-08-06 05:46:16

Just received gorgeous closing words for the MEET ME THERE, ANOTHER TIME anthology from @npub1lq9…pa2e <3 We initially connected with here via the Nos Creators’ Residency.
This collection features letters queer and trans people writing to places they’ve had to leave behind. Mama Ganuush brings their lived experience as a trans drag artist displaced from Yaffa, Palestine, & carries us “home” with a prayer for moving forward. You’ll need to wait another year before this comes out. In the meantime, please take the time to get to know their work, mission, & people. All of which centers autonomy, life, and freedom from apartheid.

2024-08-06 05:08:46

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I do have good news that he got out of Morocco this weekend!! I am very thankful and excited to know he arrived to his next destination safely. It’s not necessarily a place better for trans life, but at least he’s away from the specific people threatening him. With a little healing, I am hopeful he will be able to move towards his next destination (that will provide more political safety) sooner than later.

2024-08-05 22:04:14

Nuther moment to introduce a collaborator & dear friend on my feature doc, WHAT WILL I BECOME? - workin on themes of masculinity, suicide, and trans community & soon to be with a big distributor.
Meet Daniel Lobb!! Our stop-motion animator <3
Daniel Lobb is a Kentucky-based stop-motion animator, director, and musician. Through his work, he seeks to challenge the culture of dominance that structures society.
He directed, animated, and edited the short film A SCAVENGER HUNT FOR PEOPLE LONELIEST IN THEIR OWN HOMES, which won several awards, including Best Experimental Short at the Indie Shorts Awards Cannes. It was a collaboration with me(!), and presents survival strategies for people isolated in unsupportive homes. (Side note - still one of my favorite things I have been a part of.)
He has worked on documentaries, music videos, narrative films, and commercials, employing a unique animation style that often casts familiar household items in surprising ways. With this approach, he looks to continue making films that shine a light on what we must cherish, and what we must change.
You can get a window into our past work together here, with A SCAVENGER HUNT FOR PEOPLE LONELIEST IN THEIR OWN HOMES <3 & To, put this into perspective, this was his first animated film!! So thankful and excited that we get to continue to grow together & and to celebrate his natural talent.
https://vimeo.com/441374614

2024-08-05 03:05:08

cool conversation about AI between @npub1wmr…g240 & @npub19sz…5se7 - accessible and thought-provoking for people feeling whatever combination of hope + dread on the topic, https://www.ivoox.com/en/ep-294-ai-and-society-with-evan-henshaw-audios-mp3_rf_132474979_1.html

2024-08-03 05:41:20

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(if you did pre-order it this dang early, please tell me because i am putting together a special gift for everyone who does so!! & so i’d wanna include you in an email list about THAT)

2024-08-03 05:38:12

today i turned in the first solid draft of the “meet me there, another time” anthology to the publisher <3 !!! this collection is focused on queer and trans people writing to places they’ve had to leave behind. pretty wild it’s already on pre-order on barnes & noble even though it’s not yet done and cover art hasn’t even been conceptualized yet, https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/meet-me-there-another-time-lexie-bean/1145847545

2024-08-03 05:30:55

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100%

2024-08-02 05:09:54

https://video.nostr.build/bf801132457d8df32f6072f3f0c818448ecc377fa227f103c63bbbfa42758a59.mp4
flashback 2 when i was 12 years old and won the national championships in nebraska for being the best at tracing a line on roller skates.
has been healthy and healing chipping away at this level of perfectionism and literally being judged and now supporting others in finding themselves on skates. i’ll be giving beginner group lessons saturday and monday mornings in nyc in late aug and early sept!! if you or a loved one is interested, say HEJ. i do private lessons, too! i can promise you the level of patience i gave these lines on the ground.

2024-08-02 04:00:23

just learned about a page u can follow called @npub1r8y…phl8 - where every once in a while, the lil robot just says a nice freakin reminder. kinda love the occasional wholesome invention.

2024-08-01 16:06:23

Taking a moment to introduce to some of my collaborators on the upcoming documentary, WHAT WILL I BECOME? - focused on themes of suicide, masculinity, and trans community.
Meet our composer!! PERIGEE VITZ-WONG <3 Who I was so happy to meet for the first time on a dance floor at Oberlin College.
Perigee Vitz-Wong (they/them)! A multidisciplinary artist and performer from Seattle, WA, currently residing in Southern California. James holds a Master of Fine Arts in Performance and Composition from California Institute of the Arts and a Bachelor of Music in Classical Bass Performance and Technology in Music and Related Arts from Oberlin Conservatory. Current focuses include audience interactivity and immersion, live digital processing, improvisation, installation, and dance.
With sound, Perigee crafts soundscapes by layering double bass and voice with digital effects. The music is both unfamiliar and welcoming – these places have never existed, yet there are footprints.
With movement, Perigee uses spatial awareness as a method of communication. A body can see where another body is without looking, feel how they emote without asking, dance in response without thinking.
With visuals, Perigee constructs representations of physical realities disrupted by emergent chaos. The footage has a defined presence, but it crumbles with a single breath.
With narrative, Perigee wants to know how participant would behave as a character. If you discover that the path splits up ahead, you also notice that there is a path and you are still on it.
__
We previously collaborated on the experimental and very personal short FULL, “a collage film documenting dissociation, sexual assault, and all the times I didn't have words for myself.” Perigee did the music (under a different name) and the project premiered in Szczecin, Poland. You can find the link here - please take care of yourself in any way you need to before, during, after watching. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mditaCpDu4

2024-07-28 05:35:49

4 the scrapbook cuz today i drove a car for the first time in 15 years!! felt like a very special turning point for me, as i largely stopped driving because of intrusive thoughts. yes to doing things when you’re ready to. if you’re looking for a rec for a trans friendly driving teacher for re-learning in nyc, i know just the friend. (she won’t see this here, but thank you, joy - you have just the right name for the moment) - https://image.nostr.build/4da340002de7e689bbda1610adbd284831cbd5c2ccf556b9effe3a8eb733eb7e.jpg

2024-07-26 15:38:37

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music by brandon gilbert, “joe’s trader”

2024-07-26 15:35:58

https://video.nostr.build/8e33c5fc533938b86131c8668eaa0bb5d8829f623bed8ec3ce6e4f8ec5a9294b.mp4
another small moment of improvisation in performance with cuy cph. other friends and i are slowly building a show in nyc, and i have the dream of combining my contact improv training with my roller skate training. if that interests you in joining or supporting in some way, you should write me :)

2024-07-26 15:25:55

https://www.nos.social/career/product-intern
Nos is seeking a paid product intern to support the app through its public launch! P cool opportunity for any students in your life.

2024-07-26 06:01:34

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music by brandon gilbert, “joe’s trader”

2024-07-26 05:58:45

https://video.nostr.build/5260628e32451af3b650ff1fb60b32eed7f68899c9cc8bef6856f7ca86882a6f.mp4
a favorite dance moment from the vault - something i return to when i doubt myself / ft a top 3 contact improv dance partner of my life, cuy cph

2024-07-24 23:07:53

https://www.gofundme.com/f/urgent-help-jihade-relocate-to-a-trans-safe-country
A good friend of mine is looking to get out of Morocco asap to escape a dangerous family situation, on top of struggling with employment and safety as a trans person. If you’re able to support or share, here is the link to their fundraiser. They have been tryin real hard to maintain hope, and I just wish them a world with more ease.

2024-07-19 16:19:37

https://image.nostr.build/9e31e2a80344c0ceddbd9c89daf96ef79ee2d510e72f2e5ceecb949da407b8d4.jpg
“copper country strong” collage inspired by “the ship we built,” and the ways in which rust belt communities rely on the nostalgia of what once made them strong, powerful, or at least worth looking at by people in power.
but also very much on my mind with the republican party (and politicians as a whole) doing the most to take advantage of people so desperate for a second chance at something. my homestates are swing-states for a reason; as the dang dad in “ship” says, the rust belt is “just a themepark for other places.”

2024-07-17 04:36:57

https://image.nostr.build/bc0a2163d792714240d55704c7bfaf5001f1793e06474dfe9eac3fff1cf9e698.jpg
a highlight for me from @npub1n8g…ufd0 at tonight’s “redefining the future of digital journalism” event in nyc. this section focused on helping journalists in authoritarian regimes get their stories out, and those of us in the usa sure have a lot to learn from him.

2024-07-17 04:30:06

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yes, @npub1n8g…ufd0, you were amazing!

2024-07-16 06:14:22

Some of my work has been disappearing from different corners of the internet - which is surely an issue a lot of writers have, especially in the digital-age and for those of us writing about controversial~ topics, identity, politics, and youth. My piece, "Abuse Didn't Cause My Transition, It Delayed My Transition" published last spring on TransLash can no longer be found online and thankfully I took screenshots of it back then. The essay breaks down ways anti-trans legislation actually makes matters worse for childhood sexual abuse survivors and creates conditions for there to be more survivors made.
I am poking around with my editor at the time to see if it's possible to resolve this. In the meantime, I am going to share it here to trust my work will be available somewhere and for it to be a resource for people looking to have more nuanced conversations within your communities leading up to the election.
***
"Abuse Didn't Cause My Transition, It Delayed My Transition"
Anti-trans legislation Promises to Protect CSA Survivors But Creates The Conditions for More
The ACLU Is tracking over 450 anti-LGBT bills in the U.S. in some form, most bills focus on trans identity and claim to protect children from pedophilia. The promise of many of these proposals is that trans people are groomers or secretly cisgendered and broken from abuse. This mythology erases actual trans childhood sexual abuse (CSA) survivors, like myself.
Ironically, anti-trans legislation creates conditions that will lead to more instances of CSA. There's a paradox in legislation of centralizing CSA narratives as evidence while dismissing the most harmful parts of CSA survivors' lived experiences.
As someone who has been impacted by CSA, it was inherently isolating because nowhere, including my body, felt self. The future seemed impossible - especially one where I felt whole, respected, and loved. Lastely, it took my language away. I stopped speaking and believed all traces of stability would be ruined otherwise.
Trans CSA survivors are isolated even further on the political stage by the narrowing of our existence. The legislation diminishes our futures with healthcare bans. They erase our language by censoring schools. Each bill breaks down critical systems we rely on for information and life-saving care.
For example, this year, Tennessee became the first state to sign a drag restriction, which "protects children from obscene, sexualized entertainment." Last month, 14 proposals for drag show restrictions declared that visibly gender-expansive people are dangerous to youth. Labeling gender non-confirming adults as predatory and building laws around the visibility of our community further isolates both people who are and aren't out as trans. Solitude is a primary reason people fall into abuse. It encourages us to accept any kind of love or care. In removing youth from community spaces, it's more likely they'll make unsafe decisions in desperation to belong. This sets youth up to blame when the system at hand creates conditions for loneliness.
Meanwhile, nearly 80% of states on the ACLU's tracker have bills advancing related to LGBTQ+ students. Many restrict conversations around gender and sexual orientation with clauses like duty-to-report to parents, schools, and/or Child Protective Services when flagging a student's gender or sexual orientation. Involving these authoritative parties without a person's consent is bad for survivors. Youth with unsupportive families could be punished privately by family in addition to state-level punishment. Youth with supportive families are now threatened with CPS or school suspension.
It is harmful when a survivor lacks clarity about the repercussions of disclosing new information about themselves. This is both true for sharing with others the most beautiful parts of life, like a new name, or the hardest parts, like being molested.
Equating LGBTQ+ identity with abuse in schools is additional damaging. To the legislators of these bills, child abuse is defined as a trans person simply existing at home, at school, in media, in public, near children, or being a child at all. Without correct definitions of abuse, naming CSA when it happens is delayed. It already takes 17 years for most CSA disclosures to come to light. Removing words relating to our bodies and experiences and replacing them with misinformation creates another generation seeking language and thus resources.
Anti-Trans Legislation Is Abuse Masquerading as Protection
The second most common type of bill bans gender-affirming healthcare for minors, which has bassed in Utah and South Dakota, and is advancing elsewhere under names like "Protect Children's Innocence Act." If youth seek gender-affirming care, authorities assume it's because of home abuse and mutilation by doctors. Parents supporting their child's journey are assumed criminals by law. With so much legislation mislabeling abuse, child welfare agencies are further limited in their ability to help actual survivors. Doctors are criminalized or lose licenses for these health practices. This upholds fascist rhetoric where politicians are experts and, like abusers, promise they're doing what's best for you.
States are now expanding these bills to trans adults, revealing that anti-trans legislation was never about protecting children. Additional healthcare legislation, similar to SB 897 in Oregon, targets incarcertated trans adults. Trans inmates are more likely to be CSA survivors, and these bills make more survivors by placing them in facilities where they're more vulnerable to being preyed upon. As anti-tran laws pass, more people will enter this pipeline.
Perhaps the least obvious corruption of CSA narratives is bans on trans youth, especially girls, from sports. These claim we cheat to win, perpetuating we're not trustworthy. Additionally, these bills experiment with proving athletes' gender. In the case of Ohio, legislators hoped to put kids through genital inspections, which reminds us again this was never about protection. Quite the opposite.
Bills in other categories use backward abuse narratives; for instance, a recently proposed bill in Arkansas bans trans adults from using public restrooms in the presence of minors, naming it "sexual indecency with a child." Or many states are establishing a "Women's Bill of Rights" emphasizing biological sex, which impacts all genders seeking domestic violence services that narrowly support cis-women.
It's worth noting that it's not only the far-right who believes in many of these myths that link abuse to transness. It is ever-present in liberal communities and even centrist publications. One of the most common misconceptions across the political spectrum is that domestic violence and sexual abuse underlie victims' decisions to medically transition.
My experience contradicts this. Abuse has delayed my coming out and transition process. The person who abused me as a child would cut my hair and held a very firm rule that anything above my shoulders was a "boy's haircut." A type of gender exploration so basic was a punishable offense.
To this day, if a cis man asks me about my interest in medically transitioning, I soften my wishes, fearing they might hurt me. If a cis woman asks, I again shrink myself because I don't want them to associate me with the men who may have hurt them. Ultimately, childhood sexual abuse stamped me with the question - is my body ever my own? To make the choice to explore my gender and transition requires a type of agency many of us CSA survivors are slow to come to. Amongst our local communities and the media at large, it is deeply unfair to speculate that the decision to become yourself is a result of weakness or victimization. Preventing people from transitioning or exploring their genders with legislation will never be the thing that will save them.
Protecting survivors is listening to survivors. Legislating virtually every space, even a supportive home, promises that help is not for us. To tackle these bills, we need to honor that trans CSA survivors exist and, at any age, deserve belonging, a voice, and a promise that tomorrow comes without punishment.
***
Noting again this is from last spring - meaning some things mentioned above have gotten worse, some things have gotten a tiny bit better, and some of my personal reflections have shifted.
And! As an aside - I am planting seeds for a documentary project on these very things, and I want to talk with you if you're interested in helping to bring that to life. https://image.nostr.build/7ba50a89a76f426640e51c27ebda8ad84ab11fdd6985c8c3aff782c2dab3441f.png

2024-07-14 14:23:40

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unfort, i think it might have the opposite effect where they can say they will be extra needed for self defense & they’ll praise that it’s a gun that ultimately took down the shooter. hope i’m wrong tho.

2024-07-14 05:57:48

It is clear to me that today’s event in PA will be used to frame people who criticize or protest Trump (especially if elected) as potentially dangerous, radical, and therefore punishable. & the right/left gap will widen with a deepening belief on both ends that it’s the other side that’s responsible for fascism and politically motivated violence.
My hot-take doesn’t really matter that much. But, what matters, is that we deepen our ways of looking out for each other’s safety and sense of future with these things in mind. If you have tools, articles, historical moments to point to, and/or strategies on that you want to share below - I’d be curious to read them.

2024-07-13 03:22:43

My anthology-in-progress, “Meet Me There, Another Time,” is featured in PRIDE today. The collection focuses on queer and trans people writing to places they’ve left behind; this is a lil write up of some of the surprises throughout the curation process.
“Where do we escape to? Who gets to leave a place? What does it mean if we love a place that doesn't love us back, or vice versa? How does this all develop our sense of past or future as individuals and as a community?”
https://www.pride.com/voices/lexie-bean-loss-and-love

2024-07-13 03:02:37

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i’ve never been, but maybe i can stop in & check it out! the only thing that might stop me or keep my visit short is that i’m trying to be extra COVID safe & might not eat at indoor restaurants/bars this upcoming week with a big event i really don’t want to miss the following weekend. but i’ll for sure be at the journalism event wit my mask on :)

2024-07-12 19:08:22

Ok! I received a shocking number of submissions for my anthology, “Meet Me There, Another Time” - for queer and trans people who are writing to places they’ve had to leave behind. I tried n tried several strategies to include everyone in the main book with word count. &! I finally worked out a solution with the publisher.
I will offer an expansion pdf of pieces that don’t make it into the main book. & Make it available to ppl who pre-order + work with the pub to find other ways to elevate the pieces, too.
So, if you’re someone who really wanted to submit something, but missed the initial open call, NOW is your chance. Let me know if you want in by the end of this weekend, and we will work it out. The initial call for submissions is here for context, tinyurl.com/meetmethereanothertime

2024-07-12 18:43:53

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@npub1ajt…c0cs morre skates for now

2024-07-12 18:28:23

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thank you <3

2024-07-12 18:27:53

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also good job flying

2024-07-12 18:27:05

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https://video.nostr.build/f49beb03c503679186c37d5bf1431c13a25816a1a023115888c1d4c3188f9cbc.mp4
u got it. here’s a tiny moment.

2024-07-12 00:27:51

Since I’m new to the Nos Creators’ Residency, I’ll take a few minutes to introduce some of my work and what’s cooking for this summer. I’ve recently learned ChatGPT knows how to write a nicer bio for myself than I can haha! But I’ll say a few of my own words here -
I am passionate about generating creative resources relating to bodies, homes, cyclical violence, regionalism, too. In part, it’s finding a way to pay forward some care and nuance after surviving some of the things I’ve survived. Also, I’ll leave my own words for a sec to offer a quote from my pal Heather, “Healing is like being stuck in traffic.” All the cars around ya gotta move if you wanna move. So, here we are amongst risk, and patience, and impatience.
In recent years, my work speaks most directly to the cross-section of trans identity and childhood sexual abuse (CSA). I am especially keen on this as so much of the hateful legislation and rhetoric mishandles CSA narratives as a way to punish and further scapegoat the trans community. I’ve explored this and other DV/SA survivor advocacy through universities, books across genres + ages, protests, essays, creative + tool-building + holiday themed workshops, staff + helping professionals teach-ins, prevention education, filmmaking, performances, tours, etc. This werk, of course, intersects with other lived themes (like suicide, migration, addiction) and unexpected emotional realities (like joy, bro) because we are all complex and (again) alive.
Anyway. Here are some projects very in motion this month -
WHAT WILL I BECOME? - A feature documentary I’m co-directing now in post-production. We have a big announcement related to this project happening this summer. The log line - “More than 50% of transgender boys have attempted suicide. Through two life stories, directors Lexie (hi!) and Logan unravel why their community is particularly vulnerable to living and dying quietly.”
THE SHIP WE BUILT - This is a middle-grade novel I wrote with PRH that is already out! It deals with themes of CSA, gender, incarceration, loneliness, Rust Belt living, imagination as a tool for survival - all from a 10 year old lens in the late 90s attaching letters to balloons. However, I wrote a screenplay version of it while doing the book! I’m dyslexic, have a banned book, and I am deeply aware reading can’t be for everyone for several reasons, and want the story to be accessible. Anyway. Last week, we finally found a first production company to hop in!! After so long (over a year!) of looking. Will be glad to share the who’s-who of that later this month. And will be glad to share lil windows into that process of giving something so special to me another way of living. Also, bro, this is the kinda project and stage where if you wanna help make it happen - talk to me!
MEET ME THERE, ANOTHER TIME - This is an anthology I’m putting together for JKP (Hachette imprint) and wow it is due end of NEXT MONTH!! ah. This is my second anthology with them. This one is focused on queer and trans people writing places that they’ve had to leave behind. I am excited n curious to think about other shapes this project can take, but gotta finish this step first!
There are several other things in different shapes and stages, such as a book relating to tables and a v special roller skate x saxophone collab, and maybe you’ll hear about those. I am also really wanting to develop a documentary about the cross section of CSA and anti-trans rhetoric - talk to me if you wanna get in on that somehow?? I’m feelin a bit on fire with this topic. (Are you?)
I’ll close with some things I love - pie (gluten free), feta cheese, feta cheese in pie (spanakopita), my cat (below), risk (the feeling - NOT the board game), surprising myself & being a beginner as often as possible, teaching roller skating and finding other ways to support people in their agency. I’m pretty deep into a dance form called contact improv. Helping out @npub1wmr…g240 (they’re the reason we are all here!) part-time is a really neat thing. And, in an alternate life, I probably would have pursued wildlife conservation work and animal welfare.
I don’t know. You’ll learn more another time! Or not! Congrats if you read this all the way to the end.
Closing out by shouting out a few other groups in this residency cohort who I have admired for a while! @npub1u5n…vv2r @npub1j4s…tlyh @npub1z3t…2du7 https://image.nostr.build/26846c948112cec514b5b82339be023295edc21aee738f1428fdffc000e6d338.jpg

2024-07-11 21:09:06

I’m in the latest Nos Creators’ Residency cohort! Thank you @npub1j60…d7ua for doing so much to put this program together. For people who want to participate in the future, here is the link! https://www.nos.social/creator-residency There is also a sibling program for journalists! Applications are rolling this summer, and it’s a cool way to explore this space while it’s in TestFlight and get to know the work of others with thoughtful minds.

2024-07-11 20:00:49

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excited to be a part of this, yaa <3 will be posting fun updates related to several films & a book this summer. in the meantime, here is a first roller skate as promised - https://vimeo.com/72995468 - an early improvisation.

2024-07-09 21:58:37

https://image.nostr.build/ab475ec44d9056f6de23df0b2f15b41bd30f62f025f06d5499380c9b535f74cb.png
for any music &/or afrofuturism nerds out there, there is a kickstarter for a feature doc about SUN RA. tiers include rare records, collectable prints, and more classic fan merch. there is just over a week left. here you go, https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sunradoc/sun-ra-door-of-the-cosmos

2024-07-09 04:25:53

Independent media is suuuuuffering in print & we have had to increasingly rely on digital. However, digital comes with a whole other wave of problems and we gotta be responsible with it for our future.
Here is a pic of me with the first time a piece I put together was published in an indie magazine's print and online edition. And unfortunately Bitch Magazine no longer exists in either format. Everywhere else I have written for has had incredibly high staff turn-over due to the instability. It is becoming increasingly common-place that digital publishers I’ve previously worked with disappear articles, essays, and dialogues created by myself and others. Pay-rates, AI, and click-bait are not sustainable for many of the experienced or skilled writers to maintain their career or adequately produce long-form, investigative, or even nuanced work. And, especially with the way things have been churning politically in the US, I have had sincere questioning around my the future of my writing work and my general safety as a result of my writing. For sure, I could go ON. But perhaps there is some room to be hopeful here as we put our heads together because I am surely not alone on any. of! these~ things.
This is an event I’ve had a small role in putting together, but it was largely developed and loved on by @npub1j60…d7ua (who will also be speaking!) - Redefining the future of digital journalism.
Introducing user-first technologies for journalists and publishers..With the implosion of Twitter / X, new social media tools have emerged designed specifically to counteract the damages wrought by corporate owned platforms. Putting the user at the center enables a new era of audience interaction and connectivity. This event will feature journalists and technologists using and building tools for a new digital future for journalism - one in which journalists and publishers retain agency in ways that have previously been impossible in the Web 2.0 era. Topics include:
- Establishing reach outside of the algorithm-dopamine machine
- How to build one audience across multiple applications & the social web
- Experimentation with micropayments
- Censorship resistance for journalists working in authoritarian regimes
- Discourse distortion via trolls and state control
6-8pm Betaworks West Village NYC
REGISTER HERE - https://lu.ma/p1qy049p https://image.nostr.build/62e06481c3b97242d83270eb2df4013f7b1ea43de450449f5e6f977d04a45ea3.png

2024-07-06 18:04:52

https://image.nostr.build/86601c93b6ba849f5c297d1f9a9dad50bb69abcf6eb1f0d1fdce1fd11eb96fc8.jpg
my roller skate beginner group classes start again this monday - 11 to noon, sliding-scale in nyc. if you or loved one are interested, or wanna build around another day/time, or wanna do private lesson - great, lmk. i’ve worked with all ages, but do have a soft spot for adult beginners.
priorities will be gaining confidence and boosting safety as beginners! it will NOT be focused on tiktok(!) or simply looking cool. i am very much about supporting y’all to build the skills that wills support your agency on skates!! and ultimately offer the confidence and security for going out on your own. we will get into getting up, stopping, getting around, making turns, going backwards, things to do at home, etc.
pic from my ol competition days; likely this one in nebraska.

2024-07-06 16:56:48

https://image.nostr.build/a9673505b10adf6c95ce73db2aa557af04213b96301aa4b3e11f23fe16f18a96.jpg
“it’s a long way,” a collage inspired by “the ship we built” & distance from happiness, maps other people/structures make for u.

2024-07-05 15:48:52

https://image.nostr.build/3ded703c5eab7ef83b7e68dd35e6cec81b546362a13e328a92509fbfc825c784.jpg
“to whoever is listening” - a collage i made when developing my debut novel, “the ship we built” (prh). even when writing a 200+ page book, words can’t do everything.
during book development, i also made a screenplay version to largely help me understand the reality of the narrator vs his 10 year old interpretation of it. what he can see, can’t see, what he doesn’t have the words for yet, but surely have reality and impact. yesterday, we had an exciting break-thru on the filmmaking front after years of exploration. thankful and excited to share more. in the meantime, will occasionally be sharing windows into that long ongoing project and process here.

2024-07-03 22:38:20

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v pro taking a break when it’s needed!

2024-07-03 21:01:16

https://image.nostr.build/89f0b15182c1240bef07f50f16ec54ee4d6be5629ac858011a756f69f059d106.jpg
baby goat

2024-07-03 20:59:18

https://video.nostr.build/49c0f6de6f4eec0ebb83413c4a954bc6dd44953ba7759be086b740ae78c34a66.mp4
BABY GOAT ALERT

2024-07-03 06:00:07

okay VERY special shout out and thank you to the woman working at jkp (the publisher of my next anthology on queer and trans people writing to places they’ve had to leave behind). she is now handling consent forms for over 100 contributors and we need to throw her a party or a bouquet of flowers <— i initially wrote that v last part figuratively, but now that i am reading this again, i believe we should make it happen.

2024-07-02 04:16:57

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https://www.neh.gov/program/dangers-and-opportunities-technology-perspectives-humanities - also this v cool grant

2024-07-02 04:15:20

thought someone here (or one of your pals) might be a good fit for this sweet computational journalist position at propublica to write about emerging technologies,
https://boards.greenhouse.io/propublica/jobs/4371750006

2024-07-01 03:35:08

& here is one more for now!! I shared this graphic on my Instagram as I think this space & what is built naturally into this protocol has so much potential for activists feeling fed up with Meta and other social media networks narrowing movements. Shadow-banning, the selling of data, banned accounts is not the way. Anyways, leaving here in case anyone else resonates and wants to share these within your other social media networks. https://image.nostr.build/7fb25ed91e0cb0d325056673231e5453321b6361a7c09ff7fd73d0fe2d7e7022.png

2024-07-01 03:30:08

I shared this graphic on my Instagram as I think this space & what is built naturally into this protocol has so much potential for activists feeling fed up with Meta and other social media networks narrowing movements. Shadow-banning, the selling of data, banned accounts is not the way. Anyways, leaving here in case anyone else resonates and wants to share these within your other social media networks. https://image.nostr.build/d83370bd13531a17d2be28543e1a54aae6a27d133bde7674fe65cb59020e80ff.png

2024-06-27 23:37:33

Woo, come thru NYC for this event July 16th! “Redefining the future of digital journalism.” @npub1j60…d7ua will be speaking, as well as Patrick Boehler (who helps journalists in authoritarian regimes get their stories out), and Jeff Jarvis (journalism professor!) Glad to be a small part of bringing this all together. Here’s more info with registration link at da bottom.
With the implosion of Twitter / X, new social media tools have emerged designed specifically to counteract the damages wrought by corporate owned platforms. Putting the user at the center enables a new era of audience interaction and connectivity. This event will feature journalists and technologists using and building tools for a new digital future for journalism - one in which journalists and publishers retain agency in ways that have previously been impossible in the Web 2.0 era. Topics include:
- Establishing reach outside of the algorithm-dopamine machine
- How to build one audience across multiple applications & the social web
- Experimentation with micropayments
- Censorship resistance for journalists working in authoritarian regimes
- Discourse distortion via trolls and state control
https://lu.ma/p1qy049p

2024-06-18 22:04:28

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@npub1uux…ahzv if it’s a topic yall want to cover - i could likely connect you to some of the other people who were in attendance

2024-06-18 21:20:07

Surprise shout-out in this GLAAD piece brings about complicated feelings. This week, I attended the Community Education Council for NYC’s largest school district - where I arrived as a local babysitting, children’s author. But, most importantly as a former nationally ranked athlete, trans person, and as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
At this event, the council upheld Resolution 248 (originally passed in March) targeting trans people in sports. Like all anti-trans bills, this is done with false narratives of protection. Something underlined even in one of the USA’s most “progressive” cities. After a few students, I spoke with shaky legs and was met with several council members texting on their phones. Namely, Maud Maron and Charles Love. I especially thank the middle schooler who stood up in my defense. My blood boils knowing the same child left only 20 minutes later sobbing when a Mom’s For Liberty person referred to us all - and especially young trans girls - as purely delusional. The council members who texted while we spoke perked up to record such interactions in pleasure. This is not appropriate leadership. This s not about protection. & Absolutely None of this is about sports. It is also worth noting that since this event Maud was asked to step down from her role for inappropriate behavior and mismanaging of past text messages.
https://glaad.org/lgbtq-activists-youth-and-parents-defended-trans-students-in-tense-nyc-education-council-meeting-heres-why-it-matters/

2024-06-14 01:53:59

facilitated a workshop today for people struggling with fathers’ day. here are some of the prompts we explored in case you’d find any useful for yourself -
(1) create a map of the distance between you and your father. (2) if you’re thinking of talking to your father on this day, how do you navigate performance of saying “happy fathers’” day or forcing gratitude. (3) what are rituals/activities you can do when not wanting to reach out to anyone that day - routes to extending the celebration to yourself. (4) where do you find alternative fathers? &, at the end, we took some time to list out some of those alternative fathers, many were teachers, friends, co-workers, youtubers, and reach out to a few we could.
i’ll be doing one more on fathers’ day and building around the needs and ideas of people who show up. you can message me if you’d want to join last minute <3 - it’s virtual and sliding-scale.

2024-06-13 22:53:11

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yayyy

2024-06-13 22:52:57

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@npub1u9t…579m

2024-06-10 15:05:39

https://image.nostr.build/2529f9c97c676168eca2ae7a7b053249260914a24b1ba9229239988848156cd3.jpg
I invite you to take in the awe Susan felt at these pink flowers. We rolled by them at Washington Square Park after the dentist. I didn't know this photo I took would be the last picture ever taken of her.
This weekend I said goodbye to my dear friend at her NYC memorial. She was the closest I had to family in NYC. I had been one of her primary caretakers for the past 7+ years. We met initially because she needed someone to take care of her cat Max after she had a back surgery. The three of us quickly became close. And, years later, I'd be taking a walk at midnight and run into her as she held Max on the street. Max was about to die. She got in the car to the emergency vet together, and he died between us. Whenever there would be a lull in a conversation between us, she'd bring up that story with wonder and a loving crack in her voice.
And, years later, we came to find I was also with her the day she died. She, even then, had her own ways of experiencing awe. I played her songs - her favorite the Dolly version of "I Will Always Love You," "How Deep Is Your Love," and her eyebrows raised and her feet kicking. The flowers were out the window that time. I guess, I wonder what's next?

2024-06-07 19:45:17

i'm taking a little time to learn more about other other nostr apps. which are ones you find particularly interesting or useful to your life?

2024-06-05 18:27:22

on june 13th & on fathers’ day, i am hosting a sliding-scale virtual workshop for anyone who also has a tough time with fathers’ day. i have been working with dv/sa survivors for 15 years, and will be keeping that community in mind as i hold the space. if you’re interested, you can message me on primal and i can send more information.

2024-06-02 22:25:58

Reflecting recently on queer & trans safe places online and what the heck that means. For me, AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) was the first place I experienced where the scary questions could be asked. What spaces were vital to your exploration? What would Nos need to also provide a place for lil hidden pieces of ourselves?
Here is an essay long ago me wrote when AIM was officially shut down - “I didn’t know what I would grow up to be, other than afraid… In our suburban world, my friends and I struggled to find ourselves. Maybe sharing our histories out loud would have made them more real.”
https://www.them.us/story/saying-goodbye-to-aim

2024-06-01 00:16:59

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could you further define anti-social behavior?

2024-05-29 20:03:32

https://image.nostr.build/898f888e6fda0ca67440f6e8f55fa4c7c5bbada198efac26dc1c1d27ba70aa07.jpg
having a lot of food for thought this week after having my @ ricepuddingfairy account suspended on IG for sharing in my stories about the tent bombings in Palestine. this was already bookmarked with a picture of a waffle and generic grief poetry to avoid getting shadow-banned. trying to turn to more spaces like this with hope for our movements.

2024-05-26 21:12:04

With Pride Month around the corner, her is another former essay focused on the cross section of trans / non-binary community and DV/SA survivors.
“To be a survivor, to be trans, is to be tricked into believing your body is inherently a burden, in the way of a destination that someone else decided on for you. Named with a gender that was never mine, my body was put in places it didn’t want to go. I have suffered the most when other people find beauty in the wrong things.”
https://www.teenvogue.com/story/what-transisbeautiful-means-to-me

2024-05-21 17:01:43

come be a co-worker & help build this very app you’re using <3 there is an opening for a part-time DevOps position & a contract Lead UX Designer for IOS.
https://www.nos.social/careers

2024-05-19 18:07:39

making wonderful progress on this feature documentary project, and i’m excited to share more news later this summer <3 in the meantime, get to know WHAT WILL I BECOME?
logline: More than 50% of transgender boys have attempted suicide. Through two life stories, directors Lexie (hi!) and Logan unravel why their community is particularly vulnerable to living and dying quietly.
https://www.autostraddle.com/what-will-i-become/

2024-05-19 18:04:18

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my brain needed this

2024-05-16 19:00:57

As we are getting closer to Pride Month, I will be sharing essays and work I’ve generated honoring fellow queer and trans people who have survived DV and SA. This is in the face of some wild legislation that often co-opts the stories of those of us living at this intersection. This is “Valentine’s Day Letter To My Body Parts” with Teen Vogue - which details my journey of how I started writing letters to my body parts.
"For years I went in and out of the hospital without a diagnosis. I was simply afraid of my body — heavy with the question, “Will anyone believe me?” I closed the notebook onto my lap, IV dripping into my tired veins, it is from there I started writing letters to my body parts. I had to make it better by carving out a place for myself instead of carving into my own skin.
"I am trans. From a young age I was sexually and emotionally abused. I rarely place these sentences next to each other because I don't want anyone to confuse my trauma with my liberation. Forced into someone else's destination, nothing about rape taught me to be honest with myself. I grew from a place where telling my body’s truth would uproot everything. Language was used to manipulate my boundaries. Silence was better. The hurt said it was best to become a see-through version of myself so I don’t have to keep falling into the trauma of fallen toys.”
full piece here - https://www.teenvogue.com/story/trans-valentines-day-letter-to-body-parts

2024-05-10 15:43:29

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also fun to see you in this @npub1wmr…g240

2024-05-09 22:26:37

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one of life’s big questions. i’ll plan to watch this. thank you.

2024-05-09 22:23:39

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this is a useful lil dictionary, thank you

2024-05-09 21:58:32

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this is great, thank you!

2024-05-09 19:24:12

I am very new to the concept of Nostr! If any of you have links to articles, videos, or other types of tutorials for newbies to get a stronger grasp - drop them in the comments :)

2024-05-02 15:39:38

https://image.nostr.build/d0a0b082aeb2d1b1039007c6e1c466840d766509f72b0b9720d0ef590ba03612.png
TODAY - we are gonna be showing for trans youth, and trans girls especially, in sports. I arrive as a long-term babysitter for the neighborhood. I plan on speaking based on my experiences as a trans person, former nationally-ranked youth athlete, and childhood sexual abuse survivor. These narratives of protection being used to limit ideas of bodies, agency, future, and ultimately harm survivors of DV and SA, have got to go. Come through for today’s event & bring your voice + open heart.

2024-05-01 23:08:28

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yes! i was having the same thought

2024-04-25 23:03:45

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i’m def more interested in the ongoing sequels of this than the actual avatar movies.

2024-04-25 23:02:33

This anthology on conversation therapy that I contributed to is now available for pre-order.
https://bookshop.org/p/books/shame-sex-attraction-survivors-stories-of-conversion-therapy-lucas-wilson/21360797

2024-04-23 18:27:13

https://image.nostr.build/b6ce76a32c14c5cb9913a44eb28b76cd715d9abe12161c215c5e899675cff64a.png https://image.nostr.build/59bacbff5e4cb2539e5011abc464c058ae2672cdea837bc4921d81e2c74f1856.png
Looking at u looking at me looking at me looking at you. To be seen by Caroline was to be celebrated, assured, and it was so deeply comforting yet scared the shit out of me because I did not think I deserved that. We got to know each other in the densest of times, and in moments we never thought to take pictures because what we shared, what was said in the dark of my room in mental health slumber parties, lonely night arb walks, and in art classes where I sat in my towel and you had your snacks that you were so proud of. I love you, Caroline. You were ready for me before I was ready for myself. If you were a close friend of Caroline, and would like access to a group chat where people are sharing memories, photos, and post-funeral grief plans - let me know.

2024-04-15 19:32:22

https://image.nostr.build/d8102505811e419f4502b000ea572124b86655971a4bbc2c15da3b6c6da0108f.png
Today is the last day to submit for my anthology-in-progress - “Meet Me There, Another Time,” filled with letters that queer and trans people write to places they’ve had to leave behind; Jessica Kingley Publishers, est. 2025. You can read more about the project in this essay I did for Autostraddle below. If you’re seeing this on Nos, and need up to a week extension, let me know <3 There have been beautiful & difficult submissions sent to cities like Moscow, Denver, whole countries like Turkey, as well as more abstract places, like fathers, a mother’s dream house, and a past version of ourselves.
https://www.autostraddle.com/meet-me-here-another-time-trans-anthology/

2024-04-14 19:44:30

https://image.nostr.build/a4785468156cbf85323417613fe3abe07f232815ba2ae241db6fda1a5135e8db.jpg
thinking about camping spots for sometime this summer, and would love any reccos. here’s a sweet moment from camping death valley this past winter - where there was a rare, rare moment with water.