A Fren

Growing

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npub19d3ccdzu9r4ujq4qvmg9756xeflh0ll8nw62ancwlleu47ukkmcqsc6e78

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nprofile1qqszkcuvx3wz367fq2sxd5zl2drv5lmhllnehd9weu80lu72lwttduqtnxkz4

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npub19d3ccdzu9r4ujq4qvmg9756xeflh0ll8nw62ancwlleu47ukkmcqsc6e78

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Last Notes

2024-02-27 04:17:01

Thankful for nostr 🤍

2024-02-23 17:00:22

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🫂💜

2024-02-22 16:44:54

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🫂 hey 🐸

2024-02-22 16:30:57

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🫂💜🙏

2024-02-22 16:27:23

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hey, thank you Sarah. still here and working on this - some days better than others 🫂

2024-02-22 16:26:11

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hey, sorry for the delayed reply. i appreciate your support, and it's great advice 🫂

2024-02-22 16:22:30

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Hey Dakota - I dont think I ever saw your message. but reading it today I feel deely grateful for your support, empathy, and encouragement. this stuff sucks so much sometimes, so having people to talk to, who get it, really helps 🤍

2024-02-22 13:15:47

#asknostr
#note153r…lqc7

2024-02-22 08:31:08

it's been a while since I've been awake this late 😶
have #slowstr and #nostrafterdark quieted down?
#note153r…lqc7

2024-02-22 08:19:22

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Thank you 🫂 didn’t even realize people were still seeing this note 🤍

2024-02-22 08:12:07

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hi 🫂

2024-02-22 08:09:54

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@nprofile…jx8u you gave me wise advice before. Tagging you here because this account’s relays are sub-par, it seems…
@nprofile…zyjn my friend, you’ve shared before that you’ve been through relatable experiences. If you’re at all comfortable sharing or offering support, you’re someone I’ve grown to trust and respect here. (Obv this is a “side” account but I’m a regular old nostrich most of the time).
Thanks to you both or anyone you might suggest I try reaching out to 🙏🤍

2024-02-22 07:56:30

okay... so I fucked up.
the patterns of "dopamine-craving" have grown stronger over the past week, and I've had more difficulty pushing back and/or sitting with those feelings without acting on them. I've been acting on them.
last night involved a lot of (social) alcohol. but the way my psyche relates to drinking, there's kind of no such thing as "social". maybe a taste or a single delicious drink on a special occasion. but no matter how many friends are taking shots, it's not a good fit for me.
tonight involved more alcohol, to start. it then moved to drug cravings, and I made a number of choices that I would not have made, were I sober tonight. some of these decisions are more reckless and damaging than others. I put my health, happiness, and relationship at risk when I do this.
these types of slips are often catalyzed by drinking, but I also notice that by the time I am in the mood to "drink to get fucked up", something is aready wrong inside me.
I want to not drink, so that I can steer clear of making second-order bad decisions. always chasing that dopamine rush, in its many forms.
but I also think that to truly heal and recover from these vices or addictions or weaknesses or whatever I call them, it needs to start with the underlying "source material".
the "why" along with the "what". im not sure though, and to be honest this path is new for me. usually I impose external limitations when I need to get myself in check. but that doesn't solve or heal those parts of me that actively want to use again tomorrow.
to anyone more experienced with recovery, from any sort of addiction or self-destructive patterns... im aal ears.
holding on, no matter how hard 🤍
#recovery
#addiction
#asknostr
#grownostr

2024-02-12 15:05:19

A couple of weeks ago, I posted here asking for support. I was coming to grips with the magnitude of a challenge I’ve faced for more than half of my life, and I was feeling extremely lost, overwhelmed, powerless.
Your kindness, guidance, and supportive replies helped to point me in the right direction, and bolstered my spirits such that I felt more empowered to work on myself.
It is daily work, with many falters and failures. But — and I pray it’s not too soon to say — it is working. I’m navigating these challenges with more insight and self-love.
There is so much ground I still need to regain, and I have an enormous amount of work to do.
I am deeply grateful to all of you here, and will do all I can to continue contributing to this community (albeit from my primary account).
Love to you all 🙏🤍🤙
#recovery
#plebchain
#grownostr
#gratitude

2024-01-28 00:59:54

Nostr frens
You massively showed up for me when I was overwhelmed and deeply discouraged. I’ve never reached out like that before, and you showed me love, support, and encouragement.
I’m working with your wisdom, and my own, to move in the right direction. It’s early and I don’t know the path ahead of me very well, but trying to walk it better than I have been.
It’s an honor to be a part of this community 🤍
Thank you.
#recovery

2024-01-28 00:47:15

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Hey, thank you for so many thoughtful and helpful answers. I’ve spent a fair amount of time working with a great therapist on “old stuff” and have some practice with the self-love and understanding methods. Of course, there are significant aspects of myself that still need a heck of a lot more of that.
I’ve spent the last couple of days sitting with some of these impulses and noticing (and note-taking), to try and stabilize and get more present and less reactive to certain inputs. I feel like I’ve identified the stuff I need to change/heal the most, so definitely focusing on those. It’s also stuff I have less experience working with and have only very recently begun to understand better.
Thank you again 🤍🙏🤍

2024-01-26 22:22:19

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Franny 🫂 I always appreciate your wisdom. Thank you for the thoughtful and kind support 🤍

2024-01-26 22:21:03

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🙏 thanks for sharing this, Duncan

2024-01-26 22:20:11

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Working on all of these, thank you my friend 🫂

2024-01-26 22:19:47

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🫂🙏🤍

2024-01-26 22:19:37

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Thank you Zach 🫂🤍 gotta start somewhere

2024-01-26 22:18:29

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I’m very much considering some form of group work like this. Really appreciate the reply 🤍

2024-01-26 22:17:07

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In your coaching/experience, how do you usually advise someone with a variety of addictive behaviors? Ie working on the most damaging thing first, or working on “everything” at the psychological habit level?

2024-01-26 22:15:05

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Thanks for responding 🫂 working on the gratitude piece. It’s a hard balance to strike - between allowing room to grow and reducing damaging behaviors. Almost seems like the hardest or most overwhelming task is changing the deeply-set psychological patterns that give way to regrettable actions.

2024-01-26 22:11:15

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Appreciate you Ryan, thanks for replying and for your support 🫂🤍

2024-01-26 22:09:54

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Fasting doesn’t feel like an intuitive “fit” for me at this stage, but I appreciate it nonetheless and will revisit in the future 🙏🫂

2024-01-26 22:07:47

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Austin, thank you for this. I’ve explored the 12 step concept (in a very preliminary way) a few times and recognize the value. Been trying to implement the first stages in an organic way recently, but I think what I’m coming up against is that trying to work through it solo is extremely challenging. And I completely agree it’s applicable to any range of dopamine-inducing behaviors. Thanks for replying 🤍

2024-01-26 22:03:53

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Hey 🫂 appreciate your supportive reply

2024-01-26 18:28:24

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Hard to put into words how much I appreciate and relate to this guidance 💜
For me, it’s not as much a dependence on a particular substance or behavior, but a predilection toward various ones. Learning about the internal states that cause me to reach for whatever that escape may be.
I’ve done some work in the past around sitting with myself in those uncomfortable moments, but I’m out of practice when it comes to interrupting the more compulsive responses.
Thank you so much for your support 💜

2024-01-26 18:22:05

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🫂

2024-01-26 18:21:42

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Hey Derek, thank you for the support. You’re absolutely right that sharing helps. Acknowledging that this is real is hard, but feels absolutely necessary. And I know you’re right re: sharing in-person. Considering different options/starting points. Appreciate you man 🫂

2024-01-26 18:18:37

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Thank you, my friend 💜🙏🫂

2024-01-26 18:18:15

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Training that muscle to be present and kind to the parts of myself that shouldn’t be in the driver’s seat is absolutely my work right now. Appreciate your support 🤍

2024-01-26 18:16:39

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Thank you 🤍 very sound advice. I’m glad it sounds like you’ve worked through some stuff and come out the other side. Meditation for sure (and probably some therapy). 🫂

2024-01-26 18:13:23

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🤍

2024-01-26 18:12:13

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🫂

2024-01-26 18:11:56

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🙏🫂

2024-01-26 18:11:01

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You’re completely right. I’m hopeful that opening up, reaching out, and learning to ask for help even in a small way like this can move me in the right direction. Thanks for your reply 🫂

2024-01-26 18:09:13

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🫂 appreciate your encouragement, Fishcake. Thank you fren 🤍

2024-01-26 18:07:55

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Not Loki, just a fren. Appreciate your support 🫂

2024-01-26 18:07:30

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🫂 It doesn’t sound trite. It’s exactly why I felt I could reach out here. Thanks Ava 💜

2024-01-26 18:06:39

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🫂🤍

2024-01-26 18:05:58

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Hey Paulo, thank you 🫂
There’s a part of me that wants to share, that hates the dishonesty and loneliness around my favorite person in the world. But there’s also a real possibility that opening this book would do irreparable damage to the relationship, or that I might do more harm than good, at least at this point in time. I’m hoping to come forward from a stronger place.
But the paradox is trying to manage something alone and “getting better first” is much more difficult, and I know that. You’re also completely right that it isn’t fair to either of us. It’s another layer in all of this…
Really appreciate your support 🤍

2024-01-26 18:01:31

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TJ, thank you. I’ll listen to this episode today. The day-at-a-time model makes a lot of sense. It feels almost harder to heal the mental habits as it is to change the behaviors that result from those habits. Congratulations on your anniversary - sending love and support to you as well 🤍

2024-01-26 15:49:52

Wow 🥹😭😳🫂🤍
I’m not even sure what to say, besides thank you.
Your replies, support, and love were exactly what I needed to hear.
I’m committed to working through this stuff. It’s extremely difficult and can be overwhelming and discouraging when I see how old and deeply ingrained some of it is. But I’m also grateful to be present enough to notice it and work with it.
I’m going to respond each of you, but slowly and thoughtfully, as each reply deserves my full presence in answering.
Thank you so much for showing up ❤️
#recovery #plebchain

2024-01-26 05:14:55

Thought I might improve my relay configuration and reshare this more intentionally 🤍
#introductions
#addiction
#recovery
#nevent1q…rd8t

2024-01-26 05:03:39

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Thank your for replying; I’m grateful. Listening and surrending in those moments can be so difficult. The guilt and shame that come with ignoring that guidance is painful. And in each of those moments of suffering I know is an opportunity to find love and acceptance within, as well. Appreciate your encouragement 🤍

2024-01-26 04:49:05

Hey, Nostr…
This is an #introductions post, but it’s not my first npub.
I’ve become quite close with many of you over the course of 2023. I consider a number of you to be real friends.
But I haven’t found the courage to open up some of the personal struggles I’m facing. Partly out of shame, partly out of the fear of validating my failings by putting them in writing.
But what I do know is the love and support and kindness that exists among this crew, and I’m feeling like I could really stand to lean on that energy a bit right now. I’m hopeful that, even through this anon account, there’s room for friendship, freely given.
I’ve struggled with a range of compulsive/risky/addictive behaviors for a long time, but it’s gotten harder lately. It’s the devil I’ve danced with since my teenage years, and it’s been especially difficult lately to align my active behavior with my heart, intuition, and personal goals.
I believe I “trained” my neural pathways to lean on various dopamine/reward pathways in times of stress during my adolescent development - or, to be honest, from a much younger age - and these mental habits have become deeply ingrained.
It’s not one specific “addiction” the way that people often struggle with, but my tendency to fall into patterns of substance abuse and other ego-inflating activities goes through cycles, which I’m just beginning to understand come from very deep, old parts of myself, and it feels like things have been escalating farther outside of a level of baseline acceptability lately.
I can point to various moments of trauma or conditioning that led me to try to self-soothe in these ways, and I’ve developed compassion for the parts of myself that are “trying to help” even in self-destructive ways.
But I’ve had a harder time with everything lately than I have in a long time. I don’t feel able to share this with my partner, but I am recognizing that it may be too much to handle on my own. Because I’ve tried for years. Self-imposed rules aren’t enough, because they don’t heal the broken parts. And I’m afraid that I’m risking the things I hold most dear, including my loved ones and my own self-worth and self-respect, if I don’t find a way through this.
I know some of you have faced things like addiction, trauma, loss, and personal failures. And I’ve seen the beautiful people that you are. I know and recognize that beauty in myself too, but I’m continually undermining my own happiness and fulfillment. I’m learning to pray again, to turn inward and connect with myself. But I’m also deeply stuck enough that I keep ending up in those patterns that hurt my heart and betray my soul.
I don’t even know if anyone will see this. If the default relays on this client have wide reach. If my VPN is effective or if I’ll dox my identity here.
But man… I sure could use a few kind words, advice, or encouragement from others who have been in a similar place before. If you’ve read this far, I already deeply appreciate you. You’re probably one of the friends I’ve made this last year 🫂