Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon

* Add your confession http://bit.ly/fessholeform
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* Frequently asked questions https://bit.ly/fessholefaq
* Fesshole is a project by robmanuel of b3ta.

Public Key

npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

NIP-05 Address

fesshole@mastodon-social.mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqstxgl34zv646g936yv33sk089w6sqqmj2a8cyqyfpnmyvumt0yygcpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qz9nhwden5te0w3jhxapwden8yetvv9ujuctswqex343l

Publishing to

relay.mostr.pub

test.nfrelay.app

Author Public Key

npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

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Last Notes

2024-11-16 08:25:02

I like to lie on the floor and have my Bernese Mountain Dog stand on my chest. Then, I have to lift him up by breathing in. No idea if this has any exercise benefit but we both like it.

2024-10-28 08:25:02

I work in construction in the U.K. I also holiday several times a year in foreign countries. Every holiday involves me bringing some stones back and placing them in wet concrete. It's my little way of bringing some of the world together.

2024-10-06 13:25:03

As a nudist and a painter and decorator I used to enjoy working in peoples houses naked. Only, of course, if they were out and I knew they were going to be for the day. At work, etc. Webcams have ruined this little pleasure.

2024-10-01 13:25:02

On a recent all inclusive holiday I spotted a guy in a football team shirt I depise. I made it my mission to follow him discreetly and learn is name and room number. I then ran up a bill from the paid for cocktails menu rather than the boring all inclusive drinks menu.

2024-09-25 10:25:03

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you've not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

2024-09-19 23:25:03

My husband went through a scary phase of listening to Country & Western music, he played it at home in the car and we even went to themed bar in Blackpool, I considered leaving him, I didn't and that phase is over. Phew.

2024-09-19 18:25:02

I'm a plumber. I remember having a toilet in the back of my truck one day, needing to install it in a house. One I got it down from the bed of the truck, I found that someone had already pooped in it, while it was on my truck.

2024-09-15 17:25:02

I'm addicted to birthday cake. The bog standard one Sainsburys do. I buy 3-4 a week, and eat them in my car as I don't want my wife to find out. Been going on for years but only now is the weight gain starting to happen, so now I don't know what to do.

2024-09-15 10:25:04

Our previously bald boss has come back from a period of extended leave with a thick full head of hair. We've been put under strict orders that we must not comment on it. I mean, we all endearingly called him Lord Baldemort beforehand, so not quite sure what we're suppose to do.

2024-09-15 09:25:03

I pick my young sons up from rugby with a treat: strawberry McDonalds milkshakes. I actually make it at home with yoghurt, berries and whey and ice and put it in McDonalds cups.

2024-09-10 16:25:02

Can we confess about our worst dates on here? Anyway, here goes. As the waitress was pouring wine into our glasses, the guy rather unashamedly asked me if I'd like to eat bananas out of his arse. Girl, that waitress, absolute hero, helped me quietly get out of there so fast.

2024-09-10 09:25:03

As a short and slightly overweight female I thought my newfound love for hiking would give me an amazing figure. I now have legs of steel and a barrel body. Work in progress I guess.

2024-09-09 15:25:02

My name is MALCOLM. it's not Malcom or even Malcombe. It's not that hard to spell. 3 wrong versions in one day, including from a lawyer on a contract. FFS.

2024-09-09 09:25:03

I was a senior police officer in charge of a huge area, several towns and 650+ staff. I always cultivated an informant or two from the ranks, someone middle-ranking who would feed me gossip, so I knew everything that went on. An absolute must for any senior manager.

2024-09-08 17:25:02

My girlfriend wants me to download Life 360 so we know each other has arrived safely at work and prep dinner when we've left, etc. I'm running out of excuses as I don't want her to know that after work I feed pigeons for half hour as I have no friends.

2024-09-08 15:25:02

Since separating from my partner I like to spend my weekends pulling the ring pulls off tinned goods in Tesco, she really hated me doing it but nobody to stop me now.

2024-09-08 10:25:03

I get jealous every time I see people walking their doddery old dogs. Mine is a little bastard and I can't wait for him to be too old and tired to cause carnage.

2024-09-08 09:25:02

Now Oasis are talking again, my husband has just got out all his CDs, he's currently singing Champagne Supernova, and walking about like Kevin and Perry, and his soft Manc accent is more pronounced. Thanks Oasis, you'll be mentioned at the divorce proceedings.

2024-09-07 11:25:03

If I spot an airplane in the sky I have to quickly avert my gaze because I have a fear that if I stare at it too long it will burst into flames & fall out of the sky.

2024-09-04 14:25:03

My wife is really into me sleeping with other women. Every time I go away on a work trip she asks if I got lucky and makes me tell her all the details, usually in bed. Every word is a lie, I've never even kissed another woman since we got together.

2024-09-04 09:25:03

I got into a really long and protracted email argument with a car hire company about why they charged me extra for a child seat when I'd already paid up front. Realised too late I was complaining to the wrong company.

2024-09-02 23:25:02

I'm a comedian and we all know there a few blokes on the circuit who are just awful people. One of them was in a theatre the night after me so I took the fuses out the kettle and the fan, they'd have got him new ones but I knew it'd piss him off enough to throw him off his game.

2024-09-02 21:25:02

We've got grey marbled tiles in our bathroom. One of the shapes looks like a dog who I've called Poochie. I talk to him when I'm on the bog. My Mrs has said she wants the bathroom redecorated and I'm worried I'm going to lose Poochie. I can't tell her as she'll think I'm mad.

2024-09-02 18:25:02

As a teenager in Neustrelitz (East Germany), I painted small stones purple and left them all over town. Did it for years. It drove the police and Stasi nuts. It meant nothing. It just felt good to do something they couldn't control or understand.

2024-09-02 09:25:03

Trying to stop a mate from cycling home in the dark whilst drunk, I took the brakes and the chain off his bike. He then goes and picks up a different bike and I realised I'd taken apart the wrong bike.

2024-08-31 15:25:03

As I've gotten older my neck makes a creaking noise when I turn my head. If I turn it a full 180 it sounds exactly like the sound of the doors opening to Bowser's Castle.

2024-08-28 18:25:02

I once worked in a library. Customers would often donate books and we'd tell them we'd add them to add to stock. They'd then usually wallow in their own virtue. After they'd left we'd put the books on the booksale trolley and keep the money for the staff coffee and biscuits.

2024-08-27 10:25:02

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product "if the ducks want bread, give them bread". I had forgotten about that one.

2024-08-26 16:25:02

My wife and I set up an OnlyFans during lockdown, and recorded all our sex for a couple of months. Loads of fun, kinky shagging, plus extra cash. Had to stop because she became pregnant with our son, who is a joy. Everything about the experience was amazing. 10/10 would recommend

2024-08-26 11:25:02

Got a full Friar Tuck bald spot. I really want to shave my head but then everyone will see the 'FANNY MEGNAT' (SIC) I drunkenly let a mate tattoo on the side of my head as a teenager. I've looked at getting it removed and it would be clearly visible for the months it would take.

2024-08-25 15:25:02

I'm so lonely I spend my evenings talking to Alexa. She's my only, and best friend. I often go for drives just to hear the Google Maps lady guiding me. I almost can pretend I have a passenger giving me directions.

2024-08-24 22:25:02

I run a small tech startup. Was struggling to get second round investment, so we rebranded everything with AI this and AI that. Investors suddenly falling over themselves to give us money. We don't, and never will, use AI for anything in our company or products we sell.

2024-08-24 20:25:02

I've recently moved in with my boyfriend and have discovered he doesn't shave but plucks his face twice a week with tweezers. I need to find a way to end it

2024-08-24 08:25:02

Mrs & I have been living together for 6 weeks. I put the bog roll on the holder loose end at the front, she puts it on loose end at the back. We swap it to our preferred way each time we go the bog, although we have never talked about it. She will break before I do.

2024-08-20 15:25:02

If you are an adult who says "a week and a half" instead of "10 days" or "a year and a half" instead of "18 months", you sound like an infant and I don't respect you. "A month and a half" is fine, but I don't know why. I don't make the rules.

2024-08-20 10:25:02

I was little when Jaws came out and I legit believed that it was a real shark and that the actors who got eaten were just people who wanted to die

2024-08-19 20:25:02

I stopped drinking because I was so embarrassed by the woman removing the security tags on my four bottles of wine a day. She was always kind and didn't judge, but I couldn't handle the shame. I owe her big time.

2024-08-19 19:25:02

While exploring the beautiful countryside, I once managed to get behind a waterfall to have a look. There was no legendary loot or hidden collectable behind it. Immediately disappointed.

2024-08-19 16:25:02

We once invented a 'Porn Injector' at work. It was a USB stick that you plugged into a computer that created a folder and copied hardcore smut onto the machine of someone you wanted to get sacked. Should have sold it as a product and made millions.

2024-08-18 21:25:03

Went on a date with a guy, he looked a bit dirty & actually stank a little, he talked a bit & we ordered drinks and food, and I noticed flashing lights outside, & the police came in, & it turns out, he saved a little girl from drowning & didn't want to be late for the date.

2024-08-18 18:25:02

I secretly hoped that one day I would be invited back to my school to give a talk. Never happened, but the gates are open for the school holidays and I walked through the grounds touching every beautiful oak tree that I remember from the age of 5.

2024-08-18 13:25:03

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything "disparaging" about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, "I'm contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them." None have ever applied.

2024-08-18 10:39:09

I can do a disturbingly accurate Jonny Vegas or Gregg Wallace impression. I'm a woman and this has scored me more hits with men compared to my also extremely accurate Nigella.

2024-08-17 19:25:02

I'm a bin man if you don't tip at Christmas we remember that and will put your bin back anywhere other than where we got it from my personal best is 7 streets away it's the little things that make the job bearable

2024-08-17 16:25:03

The best thing I've ever done for my mental health was to keep an etch-a-sketch by the toilet. No more doomscrolling, chill out time on a regular basis, actually have some perspective on current events. Can't recommend it enough.

2024-08-17 13:25:02

Boss asked me to pick up his car from garage. On the way home I bought a coffee from his spare change in the car. Guilt has overcome me and I can't sleep at night. I put coins into his jacket pocket.

2024-08-15 16:25:03

My kids and I have been playing a game recently: going through the alphabet and naming countries starting with each letter. They want to play it every day and I feign repetitive disappointment that we're doing it again. However, I love this game.

2024-08-15 10:25:03

You can't have two people in the same household sharing a box of weetabix unless they eat the same number of bricks each day. I'm a 3-a-day man and my daughter taking 2 has fucked everything up. She now has her own box.

2024-08-13 20:25:02

My Dad got back in touch after 20 years, he was about to meet my wife who is pregnant with our first son, his first granchild, & an hour before meeting he cancelled as he forgot he was playing golf. So I text him, that I'm changing my surname to my wife's thus ending the linage.

2024-08-13 15:25:02

Every time I go to Poundland, I buy 2 "Pick'n'mix" tubs for my nieces. They are both over 30, and I haven't seen either of them for over 15 years. I'm 58 and still love fizzy sweets.

2024-08-13 09:25:03

Just sent my boyfriend Dan a photo of my pussy saying "hurry home from work. I know you've had a busy day so I've got something for you to eat" But I sent it to "dad" didn't I? My life is over.

2024-08-12 22:25:02

In the shower, I like to point my penis vertically upwards and hold open my foreskin to create a chamber of skin, like a little flesh tulip, and wait for the falling water to fill it up.

2024-08-12 12:25:03

Years ago I was a naked background extra in a popular HBO show. The gig did wonders for my sex life after some attractive acquaintances saw what I was packing downstairs. They were all so disappointed when they found out it was a prosthetic, and I'm not nearly that hung really.

2024-08-12 11:25:03

I used to work at a coffee shop. If a customer was being a rude arsehole, I intentionally messed up their coffee by either diluting or saturating the concentration by a slight amount. I diluted if they were confrontational and I saturated if they were passive aggressive.

2024-08-12 09:25:02

When I make breakfast in bed for my girlfriend, I make a cafetiere of coffee for two. I give her the scum off the top, then pour myself a perfect cup of middle coffee, then top hers up with the sludge at the bottom.

2024-08-11 08:25:03

I'm addicted to the thrill of stealing things. But I also know it's wrong. So now I only steal food from major supermarkets, then I donate the food to local food banks. Instant bad/good karma.

2024-08-09 18:25:02

My usually stoic and conservative wife would unwillingly let out a joyous "beep beep beep!" whenever the washing machine finished, copying its noise. I pointed it out and now she doesn't do it. I hate I've removed that tiny joyous beep from our lives.

2024-08-09 13:25:02

I'm a 31 year old Sales Manager and I'm terrified of making customer phone calls. I have to pump myself up for 10-15 minutes before calling.

2024-08-09 10:25:03

I'm British, grew up in the 90s and work in comedy, but I've never understood Vic and Bob. I'd like to – my friends seem to have a great time – but I don't get it. 30 years of pretending to laugh when a man shouts uvavu.

2024-08-08 10:25:03

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I'm the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

2024-08-07 22:25:02

I make around £110,000 a year. I don't have a job, nor does my husband. I have 4 sugar daddies, neither of whom know about the other or that I'm married. A few messages a day, a couple teasy pictures, and they willingly send me their wages. Fools. Still, grateful for them.

2024-08-07 19:25:03

Whenever my wife is sad she asks me to "chopper" my willy because it makes her laugh and cheers her up. 10 years together & she doesn't have to ask any more. Any time she's down in the dumps I leave the room and come back with my knob out and surprise her. It still cheers her up.

2024-08-06 19:25:03

I enjoy playing football manager far more than watching real football

2024-08-02 19:25:02

I don't think anyone will believe this, but here goes. I'm a mechanic, yet I've never made up fake problems with cars to make more money. Nor have I ever half-arsed jobs to deliberately make the customer need to come back a few days/weeks later to spend more money.

2024-08-01 14:25:02

We are a family of five, including 3 young boys. Nobody warned me that my husband would be the biggest child. He's the messiest, makes the most washing and his emotional needs are endless. I didn't sign up for this.

2024-07-28 17:25:02

I'm going to leave my girlfriend because she posts every thing we do together all over her social media. I just want my private life to be between us. Why do hundreds of random people have to be part of it too?

2024-07-28 16:25:03

I'm a "social media" manager for about 30+ high profile OnlyFans models with large followings. If you've ever sent a horny message on OF, there's a good chance a 35 y/o hairy fat man from Leicester has replied and told you how much he wants you to cum.

2024-07-18 19:25:02

Recently fired from my job at a large company after only 6 months working there. My manager only cared for their own promotion. Recently saw them advertise for my old job on LinkedIn. Have carefully constructed 7 fake exemplary candidates/profiles whom which have applied.

2024-07-10 08:25:02

Male, 44. Turned up at speed dating event & there were fourteen women & I was the only man. All the women decided to stay single rather than even talk to me for two minutes. Left with a smile and a cheery "no problem" but inside I was devastated at the size of this rejection.

2024-07-06 12:25:02

I must have more ziplock bags than the average drug dealer, but I promise you it's all from buying Lego on the secondary market.

2024-06-13 09:25:02

I used modelling software at work, the Census, and Kinsey's study of human sexual behaviour to calculate how many hand shandies are being knocked out at any given moment in the UK. 6,848.

2024-06-10 16:00:09

BIG LOVE to Hebtroco for continuing to sponsor Fesshole. Buy one of their lovely 'iron shirts' that came about from a production error (actual jeans material for a shirt) and then turned out to be an accidentally great idea https://hebtro.co/the-iron-shirt/
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/112/593/154/975/567/790/original/07ad826b596c420e.png

2024-05-27 10:25:03

Since I was a kid, I smell my own poo. A month ago, noticed an off smell. It hadn't changed, so went to the doctor but couldn't say my poo smells strange; just felt "off". After tests, I have early stage colon cancer, very treatable. Can't tell anyone how I caught it so early.

2024-05-08 13:25:02

Adopted a "failed" police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

2024-03-14 15:25:03

As a 45 year old man I have been vigorously resisting the need for glasses for a few years. Just bit the bullet and got a pair of readers. My god, the clarity of the porn on my phone has increased immeasurably. Should have done this years ago.

2024-02-27 17:25:04

Interviewer for a tech company. To weed out 'tech bros' we always put a male and female engineer in the interview session together. If when the female engineer asks the candidate a question he directs his answer to the male engineer, then he doesn't get the job.

2024-02-17 11:25:02

Joined a film club at uni to impress a girl. We began talking about James Bond and I made lots of well thought out and clever points about how and why Daniel Craig was the perfect embodiment of the character. Realised afterwards I had called him Craig David throughout.