Kevin Davy

58 years old, ish (Yes, I'm sticking with this lie, because it still remains my only chance for immortality) Autistic and British. Into philosophy and spiritualism and pretty much anything that might explain the meaning of life, up to and including that it might really be 42.
Male, he/him

#ActuallyAutistic
#Autism
#Neurodiversity

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npub1fehjny9smtdwg3nan08k3w2clpakulrx0cz3dzkstkvs5wqummvsz8yhe6

NIP-05 Address

pathfinder_at_beige.party@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsyumefjzcd4khyge7ehnmgh9v0s7mw03n8upgk3tg9mxg28qwdakgvj6e90

Author Public Key

npub1fehjny9smtdwg3nan08k3w2clpakulrx0cz3dzkstkvs5wqummvsz8yhe6

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Last Notes

2024-10-14 00:40:39

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@npub1cuz…se6v @npub1mew…tau6
Yes, the "I don't stim" phenomenon, and then slowly realise that you stim like hell on the quiet.

2024-10-14 00:23:55

@npub1mew…tau6
For all those who might be interested. I thought I might share some of the things I learnt whilst realising I was autistic. These may, or may not, apply to you, but I hope someone finds something helpful.
I started upon the path of realising I was autistic by taking one of the tests. But a single test is only indicative. Taking a number of the tests and repeating the results, becomes, of course, ever more indicative. But, in a sense, it is still not proof. Sooner, or later, you have to do the work and look into it properly. The best sources of information are your fellow autistic's and there are numerous excellent books and websites, YouTubers and places like this, where such information can be found.
But, one thing you must always bear in mind, is that there is no such thing as a one size fits all, autism. We are all different from each other, even more so than non-autistics (allistics) tend to be. Think of it like a pick and mix bar. All the various traits and the manifestations of those traits and we all come away from that bar with our own individual bag of goodies. So it's OK to not see yourself in how others describe themselves. It's OK not to experience the difficulties that others might, or even the way that they may see some things as strengths or positives, when to you, they are not. This is normal.
It's also important to bear in mind that we can often not see traits within ourselves, not at first anyway. Sometimes it's because we see them as normal. Perhaps, we've picked them up from parents, or siblings, without realising that they may have been just as much in the dark about being autistic as you were. Sometimes it's because we've become too adept at not seeing them, at masking our own awareness of them from ourselves. It can also be that we don't think we have them, because we're not affected by them. This can often be because, without realising it, we've either carefully arranged our lives not to be, or have gone to great lengths to create the necessary accommodations that enable us to deal with them and just think of those processes as a normal part of our lives now, without taking the step back and thinking about why they are.
The fact that we all can be so different from one another, is also why we sometimes struggle to see ourselves in the official criteria for autism as outlined in the diagnostic manuals. The thing to remember about these, is that they are almost entirely the product of allistics looking in, rather than the experiences of actual autistics. They can also seem too deficit based and you might struggle to see yourselves fitting them because of that. Mostly because as adults we've spent a long time learning how to cope with the problems and also how to avoid them. But, the thing to remember about this, is that an official diagnosis is far more to do with determining how badly you might be affected by being autistic, than it is about whether you are autistic. And, unfortunately, the less experienced an assessor is in dealing with adults, the more this is likely to be the case.
For this reason and many others, self-diagnosis is considered as acceptable as an official-diagnosis to the vast majority of autistics. And, I suppose, this is the final point I want to make. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that this is something that has to be dealt with by the medical community. That it's something that should be diagnosed by a doctor and this is the appropriate route to follow. That only professionals can help you and that they will be the source of any information and guidance you need. Because, after all, for so much else it would be the route and I'm not saying it's not. For many reasons, getting an official diagnosis is often the right path for someone to follow. What I'm saying is that after doing the work, after taking the time to learn and process it all and having come to the point of accepting and realising that you are autistic, that perhaps taking the next step of trying to get an official diagnosis, is no longer required, or needed.
#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

2024-09-30 23:10:00

@npub1mew…tau6
One of the consequences of realising that I was autistic so late, is the dark side of it, of having to see the things that will now never change, that will never get any better. The most obvious example of this is my sensory difficulties. When it was just me, when no one else seemed effected, or even saw the impact. When it was effectively being denied by the whole world around me, it was somehow easier to just disassociate myself from the impact, to bull through and to bury the pain and discomfort, the ever-increasing stress and agitation until, well, well as often as not, until I exploded and then of course got blamed for creating a scene for no reason and ended up believing that if there hadn't been a reason that made any sense to anyone else, then there could only be something wrong with me and that it was time to double down on controlling this.
Realising that I was autistic allowed me to see what had always been going on. To understand it and to begin to be able to do something about it. But, also to have to see that it's never going away. ANC headphones and earplugs, for example, can only defend me from the world, it doesn't change that world from what it is and that is bloody noisy. Noisier than it should be half the time and certainly noisier than it has to be. It could be so much quieter, if only the world cared.
But, the world doesn't care, unless it's made to do so and even then it has to be dragged kicking and screaming to do even the barest minimum. The world just wants to carry on the way it is and in some respects why shouldn't it? Because it's their world, made the way they like it. Being autistic is becoming, if only slowly and barely, more acceptable. But mostly, only if we don't threaten this, if we can fit in and not be a problem. If they can see the benefit of us and not have to see, or be confronted by, the negatives that haunt us.
Depression, burn-out, losing the ability to speak, the effort even to leave the house or to do so many things. That I still can't understand why they want things done in a certain way, or the politics and hidden agendas that seem to dominate so much of their lives. Their strange preoccupations and power plays, the irrational emotional demands, the time and effort they demand from me without any explanation, simply because they're assuming I'll understand. Realising I am autistic hasn't ended any of these things, or given me access to the understanding to really deal with them. Because in so many ways that actually depends on them. On them explaining, or giving me time when I need it, on allowing me to struggle as much as they welcome me when I thrive. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Both in creating the situations that push me down and the ones that can lift me back up.
So much of my life has felt like swimming against the tide and barely being able to stay put, let alone go anywhere. In part, my search to explain why I was so different and felt so broken, was an attempt to cure this. To find the way to swim with the tide like everyone else. Realising that I was autistic kind of crushed that hope. But also made me have to realise that the tide was never going to change. Not really in the ways that I needed it to. In some ways it can be managed and accommodated, but not changed, not by me at least. Sure, I can gnaw away at the edges, here and there. But, the dark truth that I, and perhaps we all, have to face, is that the world that causes me so much pain and trouble, that drags me down and then kicks me for good measure, is the world that others wanted and, for the most part, still want. That the reality of being different, of never being able to swim with their tide, is that this is never likely to change, unless they change it. And that means that whilst realising that I am autistic has opened so many doors, in so many other ways nothing has really changed and never will.
#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic
#Neurodivergent

2024-09-20 15:39:17

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@npub1rax…8p4w
This could have been far worse news. The stroke explains much, but also means recovery is likely. Epilepsy properly maintained with meds isn't always a problem.
♥️

2024-09-12 01:01:21

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@npub1yq6…eavx
Perhaps, because here we do this strange thing called, talking and listening. ❤️

2024-09-10 22:01:35

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@npub1rax…8p4w
I would advise you to relax and rest. But, seeing that you are intent on watching the debate, that's not going to happen. 😀

2024-09-10 19:49:43

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@npub1rax…8p4w
It's my understanding that this can be quite common and normally temporary.

2024-09-10 17:28:04

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@npub1rax…8p4w
In many respects, it sounds positive. Hopefully they are right and the meds will sort you out. But, you're also right, things in your life obviously need to change.

2024-09-09 15:06:11

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@npub1rax…8p4w
Worrying times. Hang in there :bear_hugs:

2024-09-05 02:50:41

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@npub1rax…8p4w
I loved it. Not least because that is my song too. To be able to scream to the world that I am what I am, see me and accept. God, if only. ♥️

2024-08-20 01:37:19

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
It's as good a way of describing it as any. Brute forcing my way through the world by sheer determination, stubbornness and fuck-you-ness, pretty much describes my life.

2024-08-19 12:34:44

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@npub1rax…8p4w
Hopefully you can find something better soon. But in the meantime wishing you all the strength and luck you need.
❤️

2024-08-18 12:58:33

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@npub1fgl…4jl4
Hope you are treating yourself to something nice and special on your auti-birthday. 😊❤️

2024-08-14 02:26:10

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
Overwhelm. The inability to cope with the demands upon us. But in terms of long term damage, as someone going through it, fuck knows.

2024-08-05 12:36:47

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@npub1rax…8p4w
Mask are often exaggerated aspects of ourselves. So may be you are not quite as lost as you think if you just try to remember what the roots of those exaggerations were. 😊

2024-08-03 02:04:56

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
Perhaps a new one then 😀

2024-08-03 01:49:35

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
Have you thought of getting a mattress cover? It helps to protect the mattress and may help with this.

2024-07-26 23:12:57

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
It takes time, apparently. I am in my eighteenth month and still not fully back. Assuming I ever can be. Although, looking back, I can see definite if slow progress.

2024-07-25 02:13:24

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
Exactly.

2024-07-25 02:03:03

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
Pretty much always been this way also. If a rule makes sense I'll follow it, otherwise, well, I've always tended to go my own way.

2024-07-06 23:53:11

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@npub1rax…8p4w
Technically, you can't have a world post you. For your presence will reverberate through all time to come. ❤️

2024-05-26 00:18:59

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@npub1gnx…d5kh
Certainly a hangover like headache. My migraines are rare enough, thankfully, that I've never really been able to map any patterns about them, not even triggers.

2024-05-12 23:29:09

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@npub1rax…8p4w
You and I will never agree on you being a terrible person. Apart from anything else, terrible people don't actually care if they are terrible. Because to their minds, they can't be.