npub1mewd58tz390gcnw0ml99alkzzgcuj2yg9tdsjwt45zga54rtsj8qketau6 (npub1mew…tau6)
One of the consequences of realising that I was autistic so late, is the dark side of it, of having to see the things that will now never change, that will never get any better. The most obvious example of this is my sensory difficulties. When it was just me, when no one else seemed effected, or even saw the impact. When it was effectively being denied by the whole world around me, it was somehow easier to just disassociate myself from the impact, to bull through and to bury the pain and discomfort, the ever-increasing stress and agitation until, well, well as often as not, until I exploded and then of course got blamed for creating a scene for no reason and ended up believing that if there hadn't been a reason that made any sense to anyone else, then there could only be something wrong with me and that it was time to double down on controlling this.
Realising that I was autistic allowed me to see what had always been going on. To understand it and to begin to be able to do something about it. But, also to have to see that it's never going away. ANC headphones and earplugs, for example, can only defend me from the world, it doesn't change that world from what it is and that is bloody noisy. Noisier than it should be half the time and certainly noisier than it has to be. It could be so much quieter, if only the world cared.
But, the world doesn't care, unless it's made to do so and even then it has to be dragged kicking and screaming to do even the barest minimum. The world just wants to carry on the way it is and in some respects why shouldn't it? Because it's their world, made the way they like it. Being autistic is becoming, if only slowly and barely, more acceptable. But mostly, only if we don't threaten this, if we can fit in and not be a problem. If they can see the benefit of us and not have to see, or be confronted by, the negatives that haunt us.
Depression, burn-out, losing the ability to speak, the effort even to leave the house or to do so many things. That I still can't understand why they want things done in a certain way, or the politics and hidden agendas that seem to dominate so much of their lives. Their strange preoccupations and power plays, the irrational emotional demands, the time and effort they demand from me without any explanation, simply because they're assuming I'll understand. Realising I am autistic hasn't ended any of these things, or given me access to the understanding to really deal with them. Because in so many ways that actually depends on them. On them explaining, or giving me time when I need it, on allowing me to struggle as much as they welcome me when I thrive. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Both in creating the situations that push me down and the ones that can lift me back up.
So much of my life has felt like swimming against the tide and barely being able to stay put, let alone go anywhere. In part, my search to explain why I was so different and felt so broken, was an attempt to cure this. To find the way to swim with the tide like everyone else. Realising that I was autistic kind of crushed that hope. But also made me have to realise that the tide was never going to change. Not really in the ways that I needed it to. In some ways it can be managed and accommodated, but not changed, not by me at least. Sure, I can gnaw away at the edges, here and there. But, the dark truth that I, and perhaps we all, have to face, is that the world that causes me so much pain and trouble, that drags me down and then kicks me for good measure, is the world that others wanted and, for the most part, still want. That the reality of being different, of never being able to swim with their tide, is that this is never likely to change, unless they change it. And that means that whilst realising that I am autistic has opened so many doors, in so many other ways nothing has really changed and never will.
#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic
#Neurodivergent
Kevin Davy /
npub1fe…8yhe6
2024-09-30 23:10:00
Author Public Key
npub1fehjny9smtdwg3nan08k3w2clpakulrx0cz3dzkstkvs5wqummvsz8yhe6Published at
2024-09-30 23:10:00Event JSON
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"content": "nostr:npub1mewd58tz390gcnw0ml99alkzzgcuj2yg9tdsjwt45zga54rtsj8qketau6 \n\n One of the consequences of realising that I was autistic so late, is the dark side of it, of having to see the things that will now never change, that will never get any better. The most obvious example of this is my sensory difficulties. When it was just me, when no one else seemed effected, or even saw the impact. When it was effectively being denied by the whole world around me, it was somehow easier to just disassociate myself from the impact, to bull through and to bury the pain and discomfort, the ever-increasing stress and agitation until, well, well as often as not, until I exploded and then of course got blamed for creating a scene for no reason and ended up believing that if there hadn't been a reason that made any sense to anyone else, then there could only be something wrong with me and that it was time to double down on controlling this. \n\n Realising that I was autistic allowed me to see what had always been going on. To understand it and to begin to be able to do something about it. But, also to have to see that it's never going away. ANC headphones and earplugs, for example, can only defend me from the world, it doesn't change that world from what it is and that is bloody noisy. Noisier than it should be half the time and certainly noisier than it has to be. It could be so much quieter, if only the world cared. \n\n But, the world doesn't care, unless it's made to do so and even then it has to be dragged kicking and screaming to do even the barest minimum. The world just wants to carry on the way it is and in some respects why shouldn't it? Because it's their world, made the way they like it. Being autistic is becoming, if only slowly and barely, more acceptable. But mostly, only if we don't threaten this, if we can fit in and not be a problem. If they can see the benefit of us and not have to see, or be confronted by, the negatives that haunt us.\n\n Depression, burn-out, losing the ability to speak, the effort even to leave the house or to do so many things. That I still can't understand why they want things done in a certain way, or the politics and hidden agendas that seem to dominate so much of their lives. Their strange preoccupations and power plays, the irrational emotional demands, the time and effort they demand from me without any explanation, simply because they're assuming I'll understand. Realising I am autistic hasn't ended any of these things, or given me access to the understanding to really deal with them. Because in so many ways that actually depends on them. On them explaining, or giving me time when I need it, on allowing me to struggle as much as they welcome me when I thrive. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Both in creating the situations that push me down and the ones that can lift me back up. \n\n So much of my life has felt like swimming against the tide and barely being able to stay put, let alone go anywhere. In part, my search to explain why I was so different and felt so broken, was an attempt to cure this. To find the way to swim with the tide like everyone else. Realising that I was autistic kind of crushed that hope. But also made me have to realise that the tide was never going to change. Not really in the ways that I needed it to. In some ways it can be managed and accommodated, but not changed, not by me at least. Sure, I can gnaw away at the edges, here and there. But, the dark truth that I, and perhaps we all, have to face, is that the world that causes me so much pain and trouble, that drags me down and then kicks me for good measure, is the world that others wanted and, for the most part, still want. That the reality of being different, of never being able to swim with their tide, is that this is never likely to change, unless they change it. And that means that whilst realising that I am autistic has opened so many doors, in so many other ways nothing has really changed and never will. \n\n#Autism \n#ActuallyAutistic \n#Neurodivergent",
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