Alice McFlurry :bc:

Mostly one-liners at my own expense

Awkward AF

Midwest to West Coast

Photos on Pixelfed: Alice McPhotos (npub1xua…s88j)

Please direct any and all complaints to the anthropomorphic hotdog that manages this account.

♾️

Public Key

npub1383fm86uqshxv4rt9kf73l6huaccndd4mtxfj9y8jpcgd3alm6hshxuxga

NIP-05 Address

alice_at_beige.party@momostr.pink

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsgnc5anawqgtnx234jmylglat7wuvfkk6a4nyezjrequyxc7laatcwrvxtz

Author Public Key

npub1383fm86uqshxv4rt9kf73l6huaccndd4mtxfj9y8jpcgd3alm6hshxuxga

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Last Notes

2024-09-14 16:45:38

My father and I don’t talk much, but every so often he'll send me a ridiculous text out of nowhere.
Forgive the weird formatting because he never learned how to text properly and/or form complete sentences with proper grammar, but he is definitely where I got some of my sense of humor.
Also, in case it's unclear, my father has never been a Trump supporter.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/136/914/451/571/131/original/bb5be9cf675b84bf.jpeg

2024-08-19 23:53:17

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You just reminded me of this lady I saw on a bus who was wearing this hat with photos of killer whales taped to it.
Another lady was politely conversing with her and was like "I like your hat with the killer whales on it" and hat lady was CLEARLY bothered because she kept repeating that they're "orca whales" like she was SO fed up with the stigma surrounding them being called "killer whales" so she just kept trying to politely and subtly teach the other woman that it's an orca, not a "killer whale."
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/991/377/568/892/918/original/081cc2b3ab559f38.jpeg

2024-08-17 16:41:23

There should be a mnemonic device to help people remember how to spell mnemonic.

2024-07-21 14:58:18

Throwback to the time when I woke up and realized my husband's butt kind of reminded me of Scarlett Johansson's butt in the beginning of Lost in Translation so I took a photo and created this monstrosity.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/825/066/916/587/490/original/4df2c9de40815b25.jpeg

2024-07-20 16:57:00

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Bonus points if I can rig it so it shoots mustard.

2024-07-20 16:00:46

I get annoyed whenever I see "influencers" recording TikTok/Instagram reels in public and now I’m wondering how many times I've shown up in the background of their videos, standing there with my arms folded, rolling my eyes and visibly judging them.

2024-07-18 16:06:43

I don’t know what it says about my fashion sense, but all of the targeted ads for clothes that I actually like end up being toddler clothes or for places like BabyGap.

2024-07-15 13:51:22

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Is there a way to find out how many people have blocked you?
I can be polarizing with the way I'm constantly flipping between "wholesome" childhood stories and boner jokes, so I would love to know this.

2024-07-09 16:37:35

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Hugs, Kim. Sad to hear this, but happy to learn that Baxter had six extra years of being loved by you.

2024-07-09 13:56:22

We need to come together because we can't expect to beat Trump if we're all divided while his side is united.

2024-07-08 19:07:44

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For those who prefer numbers over words:
Let’s say we have 11 possible votes for best apple.
5 rotten people are guaranteed to vote for the rotten apple
Gala gets 1 vote
Fuji gets 1 vote
That leaves a max of 4 for the Granny Smith which means the rotten apple wins by default.
If the Gala and Fuji fans instead vote for Granny Smith, that means it gets 6 votes over the rotten apple’s 5, securing a win for Granny Smith and a defeat over the rotten apple.
Please don’t split the vote and instead come together to vote for Granny Smith in 2024.
#GrannySmith24

2024-07-08 19:05:17

Many people don’t like talking about politics, so let’s talk about apples instead.
In November, Americans are going to be making a very important decision about the best apple to represent our country.
There are many different types of apples in the running, such as Gala, Fuji, and Granny Smith apples.
Honeycrisp is my favorite type of apple; however, we don’t have one of those in the running this year, so we need to vote for the most reasonable and responsible option from the basket.
Gala and Fuji are pretty good, but they’re newer and a lot of people have never tried them and they’re afraid of what they don’t know, so those people simply won’t vote for them due to lack of familiarity. This means that those types of apples will never get a majority of the vote to win, at least not this year.
This brings me to the Granny Smith. Sure, it’s old and average, but it’s FINE. It's already serving a term as “best” apple and it's not doing a GREAT job, but it has proven itself to be a BETTER option than the rotten apple that preceded it.
To make matters worse, that rotten apple is back and there are a LOT of rotten people who LOVE rotten apples, so there’s a legitimate chance that the rotten apple may get a majority of the votes and actually win.
With that, I am making a desperate plea to my fellow Fuji and Gala fans. I get it. We all think our apples are better than a Granny Smith, but our apples can’t win, so any vote for one of those is one fewer vote for the Granny Smith, which splits the non-rotten vote and essentially makes those votes count as a vote FOR the rotten apple.
I know it feels like settling, but I genuinely hope we can recognize what needs to be done and come together to vote for Granny Smith in November because our future depends on it.

2024-07-08 15:28:29

We've reached the stage of COVID where so few people are wearing masks so you get excited when you see another person wearing a mask, but then realize it's probably because they actually have COVID and their boss is requiring them to wear it so they can still come in to work.

2024-07-08 02:58:02

I put the FIRST "i" in narcissism.

2024-07-07 03:15:06

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That's why I’m grateful that I never got bigger than the understudy to the mayor in my elementary school's production of The Pied Piper.
I was so annoyed about being cast as an UNDERSTUDY that I didn't bother to learn any lines and, when the actual mayor broke their leg, I convinced them to carry on with performing (because I didn't know my lines and didn't want to perform, anyway).

2024-07-07 03:08:52

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There's nothing wrong with being a kid into Barret Oliver as a kid.
BRB, googling what he looks like now.
Fingers crossed that I don’t get Edward Furlong-ed, AGAIN.

2024-07-07 02:37:24

If you're wondering why I am like I am, it's because I spent my youth watching game shows with my grandma and she loved Jeopardy, but would get upset whenever Wheel of Fortune came on because it was "Jeopardy for idiots."

2024-07-07 02:24:41

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No! You're right. It was there. But then Kev reminded me that it was actually mid-century modern design and Tetris/dr Mario were farther down so I had to edit.

2024-07-07 02:20:28

@npub1sdt…pz3h I love that this was deleted, but I really don’t care. I wouldn't have posted it if I were weird about it. I mean, it's WEIRD, but I don't care.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/742/814/637/222/016/original/515c2bff43e299a8.jpeg

2024-07-07 02:01:47

I was just reminded about my "Top 5 interests" on MySpace which was:
1. Minimalism
2. Swedish Indie Pop
3. Multiples of 5
4. Graph Paper
5. Tetris

2024-07-07 01:54:59

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I had a HUGE crush on D.A.R.Y.L. and Barret Oliver.

2024-07-06 15:39:04

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Something tells me the WKUK do not care about any insinuations with their initialism. They were probably stoked when they found out what kuk translates to.

2024-07-06 14:46:01

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Same! People are always like "why don’t you go out for a walk or something?" but we seriously live in a studio apartment so any slight movement would wake him up, especially the sound of the door opening and closing. As a result, I’m absolutely quiet to ensure he gets his full sleep but when 9am hits IT'S ON!

2024-07-06 14:44:02

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😂🏹
OG video for those who have no idea what Ben and I are talking about.
https://youtu.be/qFSJ6gyiffE

2024-07-06 14:34:05

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I sleep about 4–5 hours a night and then I’m ready to go. Like, wide awake, no more sleep needed, LET'S DO THIS!
@npub1fwt…p7gn, on the other hand, would probably sleep in until noon on a weekend if he could.
As a compromise, our weekend days "start" at 9am so I wake up naturally around 5am and try to be as quiet as possible, either reading on my kindle or rambling on the internet, but when 9am hits, I’m allowed to shout "IT'S SATURDAYYYYY!!!!" and run around the room like an idiot.

2024-07-06 13:04:01

My email keeps bouncing back and I’m pretty sure my computer has been possessed by a daemon.

2024-07-05 14:45:37

As a dumb American, I don't speak whatever language they speak in England, so can someone please summarize what happened with their elections?

2024-07-04 15:19:46

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Maybe? I've only heard grooming in terms of tidying one's appearance or being predatory on younger children.

2024-07-04 14:56:44

As I was getting ready this morning, I learned that the French word for grooming is "toilettage" and now I'm wondering if they even have sinks in France.

2024-07-04 03:02:59

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Babe, don't worry. I'll let you crack it open.

2024-07-04 02:54:00

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I tried to get this personalized plate for my Prius, but they said it would be wider than the car itself.

2024-07-04 02:30:27

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I’m in my Sexual Prime which is what I named my 2019 Prius. Good luck finding me in the Whole Foods parking lot.

2024-07-04 02:06:44

I’m in my sexual prime which means I’m content with myself and nothing can divide me.

2024-07-03 23:56:55

If anyone is wondering what they're missing on threads, it's a seemingly endless stream of annoying people making customer service complaints.

2024-06-30 00:35:09

The difference between an IPA and a triple IPA is that the triple IPA contains three times as much cat pee.

2024-06-29 18:43:34

As a person in a committed relationship, I only care about one person being attracted to me, and that person is Ryan Gossling.

2024-06-29 17:09:37

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I’m terrified because one of these things will eventually prove to be prophetic.

2024-06-29 15:55:19

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I just got so excited about the prospect of you walking around Oakland.

2024-06-29 12:45:00

All of my pants are sweatpants with enough effort.

2024-06-29 04:09:46

Live from Newark it's Sadderday Night!

2024-06-29 02:38:19

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Look! I found your fellow capybara!
@npub194m…a2mc

2024-06-28 23:04:33

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Every so often, someone randomly likes this super old post and I’m reminded of how awkward I am so I boost it all over again because I think it's important for everyone to know.

2024-06-28 19:01:01

I am so mad at that one butterfly that flapped its wings that one time that resulted in this absolute mess being our current reality.

2024-06-28 14:50:39

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This isn't true. Please don’t do this to anyone because I don’t think anyone wants to be slowly stabbed and swiped with a tongue.

2024-06-28 14:45:01

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I prefer Morse code.

2024-06-28 14:31:59

It's #FollowFriday so it's time for my seasonal check-in to ensure you're all following @npub1c6z…q3gp.
He's constantly spitting out the most hilarious thoughts and absurd ideas and he's absolutely delightful in every possible way.

2024-06-28 14:19:02

If the devil ever finds a way to monetize, there's going to be hell to pay.

2024-06-28 14:10:16

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I have this tattooed on my lower back.

2024-06-27 22:28:56

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I didn't have a problem with living in a condo.
I will gladly pay someone a monthly fee to take care of tedious maintenance and/or repair of all of the exterior household things that I don’t want to think about.
Case in point: I now live in a house and it's the smoke detector in the neighboring house that won’t stop beeping, so apparently you can't avoid it unless you live in a house that is VERY far away from other people, which brings me back to my original point about not wanting to maintain the exterior of my home, let alone a much larger parcel of land to keep me farther away from other people.
To be honest, the only reason I moved was because the pandemic hit and I didn't have any outdoor space aside from my parking space in a parking garage and I was kind of going crazy; otherwise, it was a great condo and I liked living there, even when the dumb alarms went off whenever pasta got too steamy.
It's give and take and people need to find what works best for them.
Photo is a throwback to one of our many parking spot picnics that kept us sane in the first half of 2020.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/690/943/418/672/660/original/77565303760c0e95.jpeg

2024-06-27 21:14:25

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This is exactly how I met all of my neighbors. Nothing bonds people more than shared trauma.

2024-06-27 21:03:25

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🤣 The worst is when the nonstop beeping is coming from your neighbor's house and you have NO control.

2024-06-27 19:01:01

I get really annoyed whenever dying smoke detectors start beeping and don't have the patience to change the batteries on my own, but I still understand the importance of functioning alarms so I'm incredibly grateful that I have a supportive partner who is willing to move us to a new home whenever that happens.

2024-06-27 16:40:34

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Related:
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/689/573/614/338/405/original/a34a16625f281a72.jpeg

2024-06-27 16:12:02

My favorite workplace game is proposing absurd solutions in a deadpan manner just to see how my coworkers react.

2024-06-26 15:48:29

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This is just a joke. I’m definitely a minimalist. This is what my apartment looks like and I’m low-key upset about the "clutter" that is my tower fan, but it's hot and I don't have air conditioning so I’m DEALING with it.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/683/706/465/038/439/original/befb458b4d189314.jpeg

2024-06-26 15:30:44

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I'd give anything to be a minimalist.

2024-06-25 20:13:32

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[Me, before a social gathering]
"I don’t want to go. It's going to be awkward and I'm inevitably going to say something weird."
[Me, immediately after a social gathering]
"That wasn't bad! I talked to a lot of people and had some really nice conversations!"
[Me, hours/days/months/years after a social gathering]
"OMG, why did I say all of that stuff? I was just rambling nonstop about nonsense. None of my husband's coworkers even asked about which rocks and minerals can be identified by taste, so why did I go into such great detail?"

2024-06-25 19:38:27

I get it, Microsoft Outlook email, calendar, and Teams. There's a meeting. No need to WUPHF me.

2024-06-25 17:47:46

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One hot summer day I decided to make gazpacho and, after hours of shopping, prepping, chopping, assembling, etc., the temperature had cooled down to a point where I no longer wanted a cold soup and instead wanted a hot soup and I’m really only writing this to let you know that cooked cucumbers are TERRIBLE so don’t do what I did.

2024-06-25 17:01:01

Understanding my autism has helped me to become better at detecting when I say things that are awkward or insensitive.
I mean, I still can't tell in the moment, but at least I eventually figure it out when I wake up in a panic at 3am and I’m like "oh no why did I say that?!?"

2024-06-22 17:36:14

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Example:
https://beige.party/@Alice/109739187610453106

2024-06-22 17:30:02

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That coworker also forwarded the screenshots to my boss because my boss was in a different office and not on that local Social group so he had no idea what I was sending.
It backfired because my boss thought they were hilarious and sent them to everyone in his office.
Then he added me to THEIR local Social alias so I could reply to those emails as well.

2024-06-22 17:21:03

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I was just reminded of a mattress story!
My company had this email alias called Social for employees to post things like carpool requests or lost and found or whatever.
One day, a coworker sent an email trying to sell his USED mattress and I was like WTF this isn't Facebook Marketplace?!?
I’m kind of a brat and had a history of sending weird emails through Social, so I responded asking if he could deliver it to one of our conference rooms, stating that I use it as my nap room.
He was NOT amused and reported me to HR. He ALSO sent screenshots of some of the other emails I had sent to further complain about me being a "disruption to the company."
HR did the HR-y thing by simply responding to the thread with something like "Let's keep everything respectful, y'all. We want this to be a great place to work."
My coworkers immediately came to my defense and were like "Alice's emails make working here great!"
A couple of weeks later, we had our monthly awards and my coworkers banded together to vote for me for "Making the company a great place to work."
My award was a $1,000 gift card to use from a selection of our customers' companies. One of those companies was a mattress company, so of course I bought myself a mattress. A NEW mattress.

2024-06-22 16:43:22

Mattress stores are so predatory. If you need to finance your mattress, you probably don’t need THAT mattress.

2024-06-22 02:14:13

I just got my professional headshots back!
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/657/855/394/851/262/original/064ae78cfbe5dc91.jpeg

2024-06-21 20:54:00

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I can see why! 😂
You look fantastic!

2024-06-20 02:42:59

I’m not into sex because most of what I've seen has involved a PowerGlove and a FleshLight.

2024-06-20 02:17:56

Trivia Night? You mean Jizz Quiz?

2024-06-19 20:34:42

My friend Asher is ridiculously funny and he just released a book of some of his cartoons and it's hilarious and I think a lot of you would really appreciate his sense of humor.
It was released in bookstores yesterday, but here's a link to order online if that's your thing:
https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Well-This-Is-Me/Asher-Perlman/9781524892050
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/645/195/371/553/906/original/9d6051f1f84479ea.jpeg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/645/195/508/166/067/original/0778fd70c942763f.jpeg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/645/195/623/790/105/original/6e69719879176237.jpeg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/645/195/740/907/775/original/73fbf9c60eeb650c.jpeg

2024-06-16 12:57:00

Father's Day always reminds me of the time when my husband and I went out to brunch and the server asked if we were there to celebrate Father's Day and we said we were, but that our kids were out waiting in the car.

2024-06-15 21:38:19

Taxidermy is a dead art.

2024-06-15 16:49:58

We shouldn't be surprised about any US government misdeeds since congress literally has CON at the beginning of its name.

2024-06-10 18:15:01

Does anybody else do that thing where you find an article of clothing that you like and then buy one in every color and/or five of the same color "just in case" or is that just me?

2024-06-10 10:39:43

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🤣 Thank you for reminding me about this terrible comic.
https://beige.party/@Alice/109847830746833051

2024-06-10 03:22:13

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Jacuzzi is my daughter's middle name. Her first name is Motel 6.

2024-06-10 03:20:56

Of course I named my daughter Jacuzzi because that's where she was conceived.

2024-06-06 16:33:01

Welcome to the future where we have the technology to create replacement organs and we will keep them running for as long as you continue paying your recurring subscription fee!

2024-06-06 14:24:59

Maybe conservatives would be okay with abortion if they knew that all fetuses start out female.

2024-06-06 00:17:12

I’m naughty by nurture.

2024-06-05 13:06:01

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Who TF is (at)slice?!?
Probably just some poor sucker named Alice who had their name autocorrected to slice on their actual user name and now they're stuck with it. RIP, slice.

2024-06-04 17:40:02

Modern-day dystopian version of the old game show called "You Bet Your Life" where you answer a question and if you get it right you get a million dollars and if you get it wrong you get executed on stage.

2024-06-02 23:55:49

Fuck, marry, kill with Looney Tunes characters...
Tasmanian Devil
Tasmanian Devil
Tasmanian Devil

2024-06-02 00:08:25

I feel bad for the kids of today because their music is so terrible when my youth was full of high quality songs such as:
Ass-n-Titties
Buttermilk Biscuits
and
It's Time for the Percolator

2024-06-01 04:26:42

Whenever anyone says we should take baby steps I’m like oh cool so super clumsy where one of us eventually hits our head on the corner of a coffee table sounds great that's my thing let's go hard.

2024-05-30 22:20:51

Who's gonna be the one who wakes up Trump to tell him about the guilty verdict?

2024-05-28 15:14:01

I hate starting everything with "My husband and I..." but it's in my prenup.

2024-05-28 12:03:01

The most common workplace acronym is KISS which apparently stands for Keep It Stupid, Stupid.

2024-05-26 15:39:59

I pulled myself up by my bootstraps that I bought with daddy's money.

2024-05-26 13:43:35

It's FuriOsa not FuriosA!

2024-05-26 02:57:13

The existence of condoms implies there must also be prosubs.

2024-05-25 03:33:41

I know my name seems Swedish, but it's just because I was conceived in an IKEA.

2024-05-25 01:23:34

ATTN: If you plan to attend the Mastodon meetup at the Tampa Marriott this weekend and you are a VIP attendee, please ensure you bring your official VIP lanyard or else you risk being denied access to the VIP soup bar.

2024-05-23 16:04:01

I want to get famous enough to appear on a red carpet so people will ask me who I’m wearing and then I can list off all of my Amazon brands like "the dress is WRZGYA and the shoes are KBVRZY."

2024-05-23 00:01:00

When women were asking for better pockets in pants/skirts/dresses, they were NOT talking about cargo pockets.

2024-05-22 22:36:31

We need less sour cream in this alleged "Supreme" Court.

2024-05-21 20:33:01

Has anyone considered bribing the shady creatures on the Supreme Court with a free group trip on a a Boeing airplane?

2024-05-20 01:41:00

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The BarSeat™️ is also compatible with my patented stroller that has a cup holder big enough for a 40 of malt liquor.

2024-05-20 01:37:43

I invented a car seat that can be installed even when yr tipsy.
Sharkssss. Are ya with me?

2024-05-19 05:26:48

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We were upgraded
To a courtyard view
But nothing compared
To my view of you
As you steamed your slacks
And I creamed my pants

2024-05-19 05:15:31

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Oh no. How can I make this better? Should I change microwaving fish to microwaving popcorn for one minute too long?