Sedj

Disagreeable. Prove me wrong.

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npub12mx9etcam5cjrpv3p6duqucmff23jeznksll5523fhp6hl6m8mqs83zem9

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sedj@orangepill.dev

NIP-57 Address

sedj@getalby.com

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nprofile1qqs9dnzu4uwa6vfpskgsax7qwvd554gev3fmg0l629g5msatladnasgpz9mhxue69uhkummnw3eryvfwvdhk6mafpzz

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nostr21.com

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npub12mx9etcam5cjrpv3p6duqucmff23jeznksll5523fhp6hl6m8mqs83zem9

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Last Notes

2024-09-15 23:41:58

A little silly incremental improvement - for the last year and a half, my primary eating plate (probably 90% of my food intake) has been a sea to summit plastic plate/bowl. I've had it for maybe a decade, but the bottom warped up a little bit, probably in the microwave, a long time ago, so it wasn't used much until I started just cooking my own steaks all the time and wanting all the drippings.
But I'm trying to move away from plastics in at least some ways, and I know the bottom of that plate has seen better days after heavy use with a steak knife. So, picked up a ceramic plate and bowl at Walmart. Curious to see how I like using a serrated steak knife on ceramic. This was a flat glaze, but I don't doubt it is coated with some bullshit - still, hopefully a step up from plastic. I may also try a glossier glaze. I might try a wood option, but I'm concerned about what my knife would do to it over time. The idea of just a cutting board doesn't appeal to me, because I do often have several ounces of fats/juices that I want to enjoy with my steak.
Any thoughts as to the best all around eating vessel for enjoying my daily steaks? #asknostr

2024-09-14 06:43:19

Gn. Today has been a solid mix of everything. I'm okay with that. Putting my life on shuffle is better than putting it on repeat, I think.

2024-09-05 02:27:17

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And your next plan is to buy an electric vehicle with low ground clearance? Interesting choice. May I humbly suggest an even mildly lifted pickup or large SUV that is over 25 years old, maybe 35 years old? It would solve most of this evening's issues, when used strategically. Mine is a '93 Suburban. Also an '87 GMC pickup. Either would likely be swept away by floodwaters before flooding out their motors.

2024-08-30 03:50:16

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The Case Against Reality - Hoffman.
#bookstr

2024-08-28 02:49:13

Pissed off my wife after I tried to tell her I preferred un-marinaded meat, she told me to get over it (or something like that), and I told her eating marinaded meat was like eating meat dipped in motor oil and crack cocaine.
Oh well. I'm an insensitive ass. There's a bunch of carne asada in the fridge. I'm not touching it.
#hownottocarnivore

2024-08-25 20:32:08

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The Case Against Reality - Donald Hoffman

2024-08-25 18:50:28

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I'm not missing that point at all. I started by stating it, amd referenced Inuit earlier.
Did native americans bathe year round as a form of hygiene? I don't know if this is true or not. I'm not willing to assume it. That is still different from experiencing less than 57 degree water for wellness or mental clarity. Exposure to cold temps for fishing or other food gathering also isn't the same as doing it optionally for wellness.
Exposure to heat through sweat lodges and various ceremonies was done for wellness. That is clear. Not all cultures, perhaps, but enough. Not seeing evidence of cold ceremonies.

2024-08-21 04:40:10

ok #asknostr - how long does it take for the moon to be fully above the horizon? moonrise is when it first appears on the horizon, as I understand it, but I want to know how long after moonrise the entire moon (whatever portion of it may be visible or not) is above the horizon. #grownostr

2024-08-21 04:20:43

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Grocery stores can be easy (except for the day-old pastry rack) because I can just nerd out on meat prices, trying to buy all my beef under $7/lb. But I understand. Like the day I found corn syrup in my ground pork, I think it was.
Also I no longer really buy grocery store pork products because I don't want to be taking "vaccines" that were dosed into the pigs, apparently there is no need to label whether or not "mRNA therapy" was administered to the hogs.

2024-08-21 03:51:01

GN.
I didn't poison myself with sugar today. I drank more cold brew coffee than I should, and ate more cheese than I should.
I bought some iodized sea salt from WalMart. I looked at the label more closely today, one if its ingredients is dextrose. What the actual fuck? Why are they adding sugar to salt? Fuck this world, seriously. Outraged. I should just rage quit everything NOW!
Into the bin with that nonsense. But also, why does my mother-in-law (who lives under my roof) just leave most of a crumb cake with some magic cookies in the space where there wasn't crumb cake sitting out in the kitchen where I have to see it and walk by it every time I want to get a drink? Maybe I'll go buy some meth and just cut out a nice line and put it on the bathroom counter, in case anyone wants to dig up histories of poisoning one's self. For fuck's sake.
I threw that crumb cake in the bin too, after the rest of the people in this house had eaten everything in the middle of the pan except for the crumbs and the edges. They got their poison for the day. I can't stop 'em, and I won't join 'em.
Shit is still rough, maybe less rough than yesterday, maybe the same and I'm one more day used to it.
Apparently the wisdom of the day is patience, so I will let it blow by. Whatever happens probably would happen anyway.
I might get a peek at a big harvest moon shortly; not entirely sure if was full tonight or last night, but either way, should be pretty big if the clouds cooperate.
Cheers nostr. 🌕🎉

2024-08-21 01:51:46

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I'd love to do this more, but it seems people always want me to do stuff. And also, I also want to get stuff done (so I can practice stillness afterward).
I still have my moments, though. I do tend to be a frustratingly patient person (frustrating to others who wonder why I'm not doing stuff for them, or on their perceived timeline.)

2024-08-21 01:24:58

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Sorry, I don't keep a million sats in my zapper. Cheers!

2024-08-21 01:12:54

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Agree. I will even try to search a hashtag, then go through profiles posting with that hashtag and check feeds for reposts and memes. I'm OK with memes, if they are done with some other content or are just really funny. If they are just reposts of the usual stuff, no need.
Another part of fine-tuning my algo has been to stop following most of the big 3L173 accounts. No need when enough of my follows will just repost or reply to anything significant being said anyway.
#noalgo (I like this one!)

2024-08-20 16:53:38

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I post about feelings. And meat. And my addictions. Rarely about bitcoin, almost never about nostr.
GM.
My dog is tired this morning, and not very hungry. Oh well, he's well fed, now that I feed him raw meat and eggs instead of ultra-processed garbage.

2024-08-20 16:27:41

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You can learn a lot about yourself in how you choose to react to someone else's pain or frustration, even their shame.
While I primarily share my shames and feelings on nostr to disarm them through writing them out, using the magic of words to bind them - I also appreciate that this practice may help others. I think they may have helped you in some small way.
As always, I remain willing to stand beside anyone, looking out over the void. While I cannot feel what you feel, or see what you see, I can support and affirm your feeling and sense. 🫂

2024-08-20 03:59:07

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Yeah, that didn't really sound like a change of tune. Just the bare minimum to try and stop the bleeding. Denials, centralizing operations (where the issue was already with centralized operations), more denials. Exactly what one would expect of a company led by someone who believes strongly in DEI and woke policy.
The hard part is, it is very hard to deny DEI and wokism once you've embraced it. It's going to take a major leadership change for the brand to really recover. Possibly a corporate takeover from a competitor or a rescuer. AMF did it in the late 60's and 70s, took over a decade before HD could restore its roots.
As a Harley product owner, I'm not selling my superior product, but I'm not buying anything new or visiting dealerships until major change happens. There's plenty of used, aftermarket, and outside vendors to supply parts, services, and complete bikes.

2024-08-20 03:41:13

Today was one of those days where it felt like I was kicking ass on just about everything, but somehow it still wasn't good enough.
It would be nice to say that every expectation I failed to meet was someone else's, but pretty sure some of them were also my own.
I suppose tomorrow will be a new day, but days like today make it hard to believe a new day will go any better.
I wish I had a better plan than just keep on kicking ass. But that's it for now.
GN.
#ffs

2024-08-19 02:30:28

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Some debris on the ground tells me it is time to clean out a roof gutter and drain. Preferably before the next downpour.

2024-08-19 02:27:53

Most people in our lives give zero fucks about our happiness and wellness.
It is up to us to do the things that bring us happiness and wellness, as nobody else is going to do it for us.
And this will piss some of these people off. Some will be jealous that you are happy and well.
This becomes a great litmus test for who you want to have in your life and invest in with your energy. It isn't worth your remaining fucks to invest in people who won't give fucks in return.

2024-08-18 18:26:07

I made it through my Sunday shopping without poisoning myself.
Surprisingly, this has been hard to do for quite a while now. I could blame it on being nicotine free for a month, but that is probably a bullshit excuse.
The truth is, I am an addict. My substances of choice have been, in order of magnitude:
1. Sugar
2. Nicotine
3. Caffeine
I haven't been successful yet at getting free of all three at the same time. I've been able to manage 2/3, in all possible combinations.
Still a work in progress.

2024-08-18 18:18:47

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Yes, but the Anunaki are legit.

2024-08-18 04:16:15

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BDE.

2024-08-18 04:07:32

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Einstein was wrong.

2024-08-18 04:03:41

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Reptilians. As in David Icke. Sorry, I just don't believe this one.

2024-08-16 04:07:32

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Wb. Gn boho. 🌛🫂

2024-08-16 04:04:00

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And when you've chosen poorly, what you have is what you have, so...

2024-08-16 03:50:50

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Dos pounderoonies? That is much nom. I had less pounderoonies, was gud. #measureyourmeatintakeinstone

2024-08-16 03:44:54

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Please keep questioning all the beliefs!
If you believe something strongly, with conviction, be prepared to question it harder! Reject it, and then try to arrive at it again in some other way. I've rejected reality many times. I reject plenty of science, especially materialist science, as just not the full story. Right now I'm trying to reject our concept of time, as I'm pretty sure it is wrong, or at least incomplete.
You can say whatever you wish, and I also reject right and wrong. Yes, I reject morality.
If beliefs take us to a known place, can disbelief take us to an unknown place? I try to embrace the unknown. What I lack in creativity I make up in curiosity.

2024-08-16 03:34:21

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It is possible - and again, maybe more similar to what I have thought of as field energy. Kind of like magnetic fields or light diffusion, but I feel there there are many field energies that we experience. And the energies work with each other, so a disruption or change in one field energy can have an effect on another field energy.
Would you consider yourself a materialist? Based on your concept of frequency, I could assume not, but bettsr to just ask.
I generally think of matter as stored information, so it completely makes sense to me that transfer and creation of information through actions, thoughts, and feelings would be frequency as you say, and our senses would be sensing frequency (your model) or field energies (my model).

2024-08-15 22:56:42

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I understand well. My mh counselor found me overly intellectual - definitely wrapped up in layers of analysis and logic. I only felt breakthroughs when I began to embrace emotion (pun intended), although I had some earlier success with self esteem. I've written about a lot of it here along the way.
I'm happy for you as well, and it is great to meet another of the folks I would happily stand beside, peering out into the abyss. If I cannot feel your emotion, I can still support your journey.

2024-08-15 15:48:39

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I can appreciate all of this, and like everything, it may just come down to semantics. I do not see a contradiction, as experiencing emotion does not require belief, but belief (in my opinion) requires an emotional component).
Intuition is an emotionally charged experience. Our soul is emotion, and emotion is the differentiator between one soul and another. Whether all souls are part of one soul (or merely facets or expressions of one soul) or not isn't much of a question, because at least in this plane of existence, they are differentiated (separated) by emotion.
I cannot feel what anyone else is feeling. My feelings may be similar, but cannot be identical.
From that simple differentiation, everything else becomes differentiated. I do not see exactly what anyone else sees; I do not believe what everyone else believes... because sensory input, beliefs, all of it has an emotional component.
Understanding this has allowed me to love harder than ever before, because I am loving the other for their otherness, rather than for similarities or congruities.
Fear is an emotional response to the unknown. As I believe all emotions are true and valid, I would say that fear is true and valid. How we come to use that emotion may often be irrational though.
I embrace the Vedic construct of all matter being one, and formed as expressions of our souls.
I think we have arrived at very similar places in view. Good to find someone that at least works to understand themselves.

2024-08-15 02:03:01

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Imagine for a minute if beliefs, consciousness, possibly even reality were downstream from emotion.
Taking that approach changes a lot, when you learn to trust and use your emotion, rather than just trying to control it with consciousness and belief.
I personally trust my emotions far more than my beliefs or consciousness, or reality itself, at least as I understand or experience it.

2024-08-12 03:55:24

Another 4 weeks of raw natural dog food made. His skin issues have almost completely healed.
GN.

2024-08-10 04:49:15

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Shit I rarely remember to tag GN on my gn notes. Maybe I need another npub that just posts GN. Bot makers probably have done this already.
GN (although this doesn't get the same reach as a reply note)

2024-08-10 04:46:30

Still sorting out how I want to engage in social media (meaning nostr, I am not active anywhere else).
I now have 3 npubs for different engagement:
this one, that is essentially a nym, although a somewhat leaky one. My opsec around this nym is far from perfect. I still feel pretty safe posting whatever I want here, without any expectation of meatspace reprisals.
Another one, that has really been more for viewing specific content around a personal interest. I've posted from it a few times, but I have no intention of sharing anything remotely personal with it.
And a new one, that will be as real and public as a Facebook profile. My real name. I'll probably be paying the most attention to this npub, using it to see how comfortable I am with respect to posting. For example, I don't expect I will even acknowledge bitcoin. Because I don't need anyone (online) knowing whether or not I might have some, or have had some. No need to invite that wrench attack. No zaps. No nodes. Just a normie npub, spouting normie shit about normie interests, mostly. Nothing that would trigger any kind of second glance, even if all past notes are searched and indexed (which I assume they are or will be).
Boring, you say? Try it. It isn't easy, trying to establish a social graph of sorts while not disclosing a whole lot.
Is is "being myself"? Of course it is, but only when you consider the composite of these npubs (and any others I might have, or end up creating later on).

2024-08-08 03:57:52

Struggling to define policies most in line with my goals. GN.

2024-08-08 03:38:10

I don't know what I'm doing, but I won't let that stop me.

2024-08-08 01:48:19

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No, I think you did well at flowing it in with the rest of your topics. I think your website creation frame lent itself well as a vehicle to bring together seemingly disparate concepts.
Definitely up to meeting for a steak whenever you're back in WA.

2024-08-08 01:13:42

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Watched, enjoyed. Good work sir.

2024-08-06 03:05:37

Why's everyone wanting to talk about their savings accounts? Couldn't think of a more boring topic.
But go on. Get rowdy. I saved some money today. Yay.

2024-08-04 23:36:26

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Satellite. Desktop and Mobile PWA.

2024-08-04 20:09:06

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Step 1: I suck.
Step 2: Everyone else sucks worse. I'm the best.
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Success.

2024-08-04 20:01:39

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Price is not a factor of when I "buy". It can be a factor of when I sell. #paidinbitcoin

2024-08-04 15:04:46

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See, that was my old thinking, that withdrawals were something that happened when I was trying to quit. They would happen when I didn't have a plan for that next smoke.
What I realized was that withdrawal was practically continuous while I was a smoker. 10-15 minutes after a cigarette, the addiction is already wanting to be fed. We just tolerate (as addicts) the symptoms for the next hour or two, because we have a plan for the next dose of nicotine.
So now, withdrawals are something that happened as a smoker. After a few days quit, the withdrawals are gone. What isn't gone are the same social cues that made me start to begin with, and the power of advertising and brainwashing (over my lifetime) that make smoking seem like an attractive option in certain situations. The lies we tell ourselves, like smoking relieves boredom, or stress, or anxiety. None of those are true, just like "breakfast cereal" isn't part of a "healthy breakfast".

2024-08-04 04:42:48

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I see this more with television watchers, especially those that watch news, reality shows, and also use/follow news and reality "stars" on social media. Their entire model of human interaction is easily mapped to what they observe on the telly.
My wife unfortunately is one of those people. She brings a lot of additional drama into what should be a very stable relationship because that's what she's watched on TV her whole life. I've had to remind her a few times that we are not a TV couple.
Children are not immune, had to have a serious talk with my 9-year old daughter after she treated me very poorly/disrespectfully in front of her friends at her birthday party. I saw it was the same way kids on Nickelodeon and Disney channels treated their parents, for the laughs! I reminded my daughter there is no audience or laugh track, and our feelings are real and mine were hurt. It was effective, and she became a great teenager that gave me no disrespect through her teens.

2024-08-04 04:16:24

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I've had lap surgeries, and the gas aching your shoulders is a really weird feeling. I had just had my gall bladder removed, and had a ticket to the second Hobbit movie, opening night, in fancy-vision, whatever the hot cinema tech was at the time. Sat through that bitch, not a short movie, in pain, mostly from the gas. Harshest movie experience to date for me, and I've been to a lot in the theater.
Of course, also hard to keep the farts in; poor bastards around me may have suffered a bit too. Packed theater, keeping it quiet - who's to know?
Get better soon - and stay out of theaters for a few days ;)
Also the best are giant morning farts! Or so my wife claims, I don't really have much to offer after going carnivore.

2024-08-04 03:49:22

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Zinc oxide or Carmex? Lol.

2024-08-04 02:47:09

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Far Side had some greats. My favorite was Red Meat, though, by Max Cannon.
https://www.redmeat.com

2024-08-04 02:43:48

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As we should. Rode by some beautiful lakes yesterday. I haven't kayaked in years, but who knows what the future may hold... I do need to get the boat back out on the river though... hard to have my frequent boating accidents otherwise. Hope you enjoyed your sun!

2024-08-04 02:41:01

Ideas for a sunscreen concept that applies well to the tip of my nose? #asknostr
Seriously, I can be out riding all day, and my arms are reddened, but not on fire. My cheeks rosy, not burnt. The tip of my nose? Hamburger. Blistered. Not all that painful, but I know this can't be good for it.
I've really stopped wearing sunscreen (and as a fair-complexioned red head with freckles that prefers "bluey" to "ginger", this is really something). The only real sore spot I've had was right there on my nose. Besides, everything else, generally easy enough to cover up if it gets a little hot.
And I don't want to just give in and start using commercial coppertone, unless it really is the best play here.
Does carmex work on your nose? I use it for chapped lips while riding. Or is that just weird?

2024-08-04 01:47:17

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Thanks for this, I read it.
I like Edam and Gouda, but it seems at least in America, these tend to be sold with lots of additives, especially Gouda.
Also of note, the study notes the relative absorption of K2 vs K1 (from plants, but only 5% to 10% absorption.) This is a common theme, plants have vitamins, but they are often not bioavailable through human digestion. I prefer to let my herbivores digest them for me, and then gain their benefit in the meat of the herbivore.
Finally, this was a sloppy study. Bought and paid for by the Dutch Dairy folks. For this reason, I take its cheese findings to be questionable, and actually find its other research notes more interesting and compelling.
I still don't think getting cheese on my burger (generally "American" cheese, which is full of shite) to be a good choice, but may be more likely to buy the occasional wedge of Gouda.

2024-08-04 01:21:30

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I don't know if I will ever feel like it wouldn't be easy to go back. I've quit for years at a time before. This new mindset of seeing the continuous pattern of withdrawal is the closest I think I've ever been to having a strong enough reason to stay quit.
"For my health" wasn't good enough. "For my family", "because my daughter told me she wanted me to be around longer", because I want to be the best example to my kids, because I want to live longer, because I don't want to live through lung sicknesses, or other illnesses - none of these reasonings have been strong enough.
For some reason, because I don't want to live in a perpetual state of withdrawal - that has had power. Maybe it is the novelty of it. Maybe it is the present-ness. Maybe the absolute certainty of immediate pain/damage, rather than just future possibilities.

2024-08-04 00:51:48

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I wouldn't rule it out. But I also don't hold my backstory as unique, except in its entirety.
But why would you ask? What I know about my father makes general sense without assuming autism. I think the same could be said for me.
Try this on. As emotional trauma during the exact period of maturation where individuation and identity are being explored and formed caused a protective suppression of my emotional development, allowing my intellectual development to proceed unchecked. I become extremely analytical, but have a lot of issues comprehending emotion and expressing how I feel. I can easily tell you how I should feel, but struggle to really experience the feeling.
For a while, I thought this could be a form of sociopathy or some disaffective disorder. I've come to accept it doesn't need a diagnosis, just ways to work with it to continue to achieve my goals, and use it to my advantage when I can. Same would be said if it was determined to be autism.
Have you dug as hard at trying to figure yourself out? It is very rewarding at times, frustrating at others. I wish you success on your journey!

2024-08-04 00:34:12

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That's an interesting observation. On one hand, a hypothetical unknown penalty of uncertain magnitude because information that may or may not have been deleted falls into the hands of an alphabet agency (or just Alphabet) and is then discovered to be used against me.
On the other hand, my wife figures out enough about nostr to view my npub note history, or convinces me to show her. She is an insecure person, prone to jealousy and often feels slighted over the most innocent of interactions.
Do you see why one seems to be a lot more realistic and likely? It is almost like - there might be pain vs there will be blood.
I exist in a world that bleeds, but I try to keep it to a minimum, mostly.
But no, I don't doubt that anything I post anywhere is being catalogued by those I have not given permission to do so, beyond the simple act of committing it to digital memory at some point. Deletion of digital information only serves to obfuscate it from those not trying hard (or smart) enough to find it.

2024-08-03 19:45:32

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Must admit, I'm really liking seeing vegan used as a slur, without any regard to its actual etymology. Same goes for other examples of botany and flora. Not the first time in recent memory I've seen it, either. But I also admit I'm a vegan artichoke.

2024-08-03 05:06:12

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I appreciate you, Marie. 🫂

2024-08-03 04:22:19

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Oh, I have been nailing sun exposure. I definitely eat liver and eggs too!
Thanks for the input! Do orange cheddars work as well as muenster?

2024-08-03 04:20:24

I've really been doing this friending thing wrong. Probably my whole life. This is gonna be a long one, so strap in.
First, to baseline - the first 8 years of my life was spent in a very remote part of western Canada, out in the islands. Not near people. No schools. No friends, really.
Then, 8 years in, I was moved to Las Vegas (THAT Las Vegas) to live with my grandmother, directly after my dad died. I had no idea how to be social. None. It was a mess. I was a mess. No other way to describe it.
So to that point, everything I knew about friending came from books; mostly Hardy Boys mysteries, maybe some Choose Your Own Adventure. A few Nancy Drews. There was no television in my former life. My parents weren't much help, as they didn't live in the middle of nowhere because they were at all social, so not like I had much there to model after.
I guess I learned most social lessons 1) late. 2) the hard way. Bullied? yes. Jumped? several times. There is a whole other topic that merges in here about how religion influenced this, but I'll just say that in general, Christianity was offered to me as a social milieu. This has its benefits and issues. But that's not what I want to discuss right now.
What I learned.
1) I liked other kids. I wanted to be like other kids.
2) I did not have any idea how to be like other kids.
3) Telling other kids about my past did not really help. They didn't care, and would be more likely to make fun of me.
4) I didn't like being made fun of. I liked even less getting my ass kicked.
5) Lying about my past, or not talking about it, was a better way to move forward.
6) Lying was generally more likely to get me "friends" than being honest.
7) To get "friends", I needed to somehow impress them, or do something for them, or possibly be something for them.
8) I didn't do well at getting friends, or keeping friends. I figured I was pretty broken overall.
This was not a great childhood. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was pretty motivated to move on. I hated school, myself, and pretty much everything about my life. I was always trying to find a better way, figuring if I could just be like other people, I would be in a better place.
This mindset (perceived low self esteem, in spite of actually pulling off a lot of really cool shit along the way, because I was my own harshest critic and had no idea how to actually stand on my own) really went up to a few years ago (let's say early 40s.)
The whole time, I didn't know how to friend. I tried. I wanted friends. I would get frustrated with myself that I wasn't putting in the effort to keep friends around. I had no problem being in a crowd, or finding people to talk to, or talking to people. I can go in public and start a conversation with just about anyone. I can get invited to the after party. I've been the one throwing the after party. But the next day, these people didn't give two shits about me, didn't invite me to the next party, wouldn't check on how I was doing, and I thought it was because I was just not putting in the effort in some way.
I went to fucking counseling, finally. This got me sorted on the self esteem thing. It got me reading a lot of good stuff. Even my counselor never figured out why my friending was broken. We eventually parted ways, because I wasn't depressed, anxious, or anything he could help with. I was way too introspective and intellectual for him, and he thought it was getting in the way of my ability to feel emotion. I did too, for a while - but I feel emotion just fine. I don't always channel it out into expression very well, but it's not because I don't feel it.
Well, I'll skip to the end. Literally yesterday, I think. I was watching a video podcast (Diary of a CEO) that I watch occasionally. He was interviewing the CIA guy, seen him a couple times before on that podcast, and I think on Impact Theory. I actually don't like him much, don't really agree with him and his takes, but I decided I would listen in anyway because I do like hearing a different point of view.
And he was talking about persuasion and influence, and how to build relationships with people in order to persuade them or have influence over them, for example, to land a job through the interview process.
But what he said just fucking clicked. Hard.
People want to feel invested in. People like people that they perceive to be like them, taking an interest in them and sharing similar views. The best way to win an interview (or a sale) is to learn as much as possible about the interviewer and ask them questions directly about what they like, how they think, etc. Open-ended questions, that show your interest in them. Pepper that with plenty of observations that show how you are just like them, or think the same way they do.
The whole last most of the years of my life, I had been speaking to people trying to tell them about myself. Trying to interject into conversation things I think they would find interesting. I was telling, not selling. At the end of it, people would still say I was not very open, or hard to get to know. This was really frustrating, because I could literally tell them my fucking life story, and they would still give that feedback. It hasn't been because I didn't make the effort. It isn't because I was closed off, aloof, emotionally unavailable. It was because I was friending like the books I started reading. Narration, character one talks, character 2 replies, etc.
Books do NOT show speech patterns the way it really works. I read a ton of books. Always have. Lots of fiction. Lots of non-fiction, later in life. This fails to show how to talk to people.
I think the real key is to ask more questions. Learn as much about the people you want to friend as you can, and never stop asking them questions. Your past isn't the issue. Your likes, dislikes, opinions, all of that doesn't matter to them. All they care about and all they will remember is how much you appeared to care about them, how much you seemed willing to invest in them, how much you seemed like them, and more importantly how much you seemed to like them. People like to be liked. This all seems so fucking obvious, probably why my counselor completely missed it.
It doesn't have to be patronizing. Just ask people how they are doing. Ask about their kids, their pets, their projects. Ask questions, lots of them. Don't feel you have to tell anyone anything unless you want to, just keep asking. Eventually they will ask back. Be honest, because there's no danger in it - but keep asking questions back.
This is why I have failed at social media. I have failed at nostr as well. I have tons of notes, like this one, that is telling you all about me, my thoughts, my life.
BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE.
and why should you? Have I shown I cared about you? A like, a zap, that shit doesn't do it. Asking questions is the only way. And I don't even think my client of choice does a great job of conversations. I may change it.
But I am close to done with posting these notes that tell everything and ask nothing. I promise to change. I must change. Fuck, I've been such a goddamned idiot for so long. This is not going to be an easy change, but I have to figure it the fuck out.
Good night, Nostr. Tomorrow I will ask the questions.

2024-08-03 03:30:24

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Doesn't look like I'm running out the door just yet.

2024-08-03 03:29:15

https://image.nostr.build/29b50efc6c7d4a723c98eb92e05834cda34ac6ded9f1dda7b3f6d768a91eeffc.jpg
https://image.nostr.build/346e6e6595d778f49b064fca5b58067cd963d0bc553fe82b47ed7ff20b2fb2b5.jpg
A couple other bike pics. This is actually my old Labor Day camping spot from over a decade ago.

2024-08-03 03:26:07

https://image.nostr.build/b1c4db3960bd2777b1330f91e7c48f8c75b26bdbf5ecca82ba4b6d177dababcd.jpg
A nice shot of the back side of Mt. St Helens from last week's ride.

2024-08-03 03:08:35

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Another 200 miles behind me today! Can't stop won't stop!

2024-08-03 03:01:47

CAC score done. No surprise, there is damage done. 37 years in the USA, eating standard USA foods, is enough to gum up the system a bit.
Coronary Artery Calcium Scoring
Left Main 0
Left Anterior Descending 44.4
Circumflex 62.4
Right coronary 188.5
Total Ca++ score: 295.3
Again, totally not surprised. This is after being #carnivore (but not always super strict about it) for over a year. I plan to retest in another year, and confirm that these numbers are either the same or improving (which isn't supposed to happen, but carnivory is known to break some of these rules)

2024-08-02 15:27:29

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See, if I were doing business over Nostr, then I would easily cede this point. I'm not. I work a fairly comfortable fiat job that does not rely at all on my social skills outside of the company and its customers, who are unlikely to be on nostr in any professional capacity.
I find it increasingly easy to build relationships and trust, sufficient to do business, in very short periods of time. I could probably write a lot more on that...

2024-08-02 15:20:15

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See, you say it all lives on forever - but I don't know that to be true. Not going anywhere just yet, though.

2024-08-02 15:18:37

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I agree it is a feature. And my mind is not made up either.
It's not what might be imperfections, insanity, or criminal today, but what may become those things in the future that concerns me.
Also the notion of whether or not social media in general, and nostr specifically, is serving me.

2024-08-02 15:14:28

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Well, after 17 days, I think... it seems like I've kicked it. As noted, not wanting to go back to living in a withdrawal state has been the mental key to dealing with any craving.

2024-08-02 15:10:46

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2018 Road King

2024-08-02 04:25:25

Dammit little bit of a breakthough.
People don't want you to be more open with them about yourself - they mostly just want you to ask more questions about them and be more interested in them.

2024-08-02 03:15:51

What if I walked away from this npub and just started a new one? I could probably figure out how to clone all the important stuff over.
I doubt my followers (both of you) would mind that much, and I'm no infloonzer, so my clone would likely just be me.
One feature of nostr that has bugged me for a while is the inability to delete notes. I'm used to deleting most of my history on other platforms, quite intentionally. Sure, a relay might eventually remove your note, but another may not - so you have no way to know if your history is out there still, or no.
I value being able to forget. Being able to re-create. I've had to be way more careful to stay mostly anon here than on normie social media. It feels limiting, rather than freeing.
I may be free of being cancelled or shadow banned, but I am very much not free of the real world consequences of anything I say, at any point in the future, whenever my past may be examined against criteria I wouldn't be able to even imagine in the present.
What if, in 5 years, my wife learns how to use nostr and looks back at this npub's history and decides it was somehow disrespectful to her?
What if it wasn't my wife, but my government? Or the government of the nation I am trying to enter? Or a police or legal action?
Winding myself up a bit. Not sure how this plays out. I'll put it like this - If this npub stops posting, it likely won't be because I am gone. I'll still be around, just respawned under a new clean npub.
My social graph doesn't feel that built up anyway. Does it serve me? Or do I serve it?

2024-08-02 02:54:48

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Scan done. Awaiting results.

2024-08-02 02:52:21

I'm not convinced ANY of the layer-2s are really the best solution, or will still be around in 10 years, except maybe as a very specialized solution to a niche use case. I mean, someone is still using Liquid, right?
So I'll use lightning for now, but I'm not putting any further investment into it. Anything I am currently using lightning for, I expect to use something else for in the future.

2024-08-02 02:51:47

People seem like they're a special kind of high right now. Like just disassociative, in some way.
So here's this, if the universe is actually multiple overlays of energy that make up a composite reality, is this how it would appear when an energy overlay is slightly out of phase?
GN.
(not really, but like this as a gn note better then the other note I'm about to send)

2024-08-02 02:13:06

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Similar, except mine was hot, cooked from raw with bacon in bacon fat and butter. It may have been more like 2 lbs, just something in the freezer I wanted to use up.

2024-08-01 01:28:16

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Sweet. Enjoy your time away. This will all be right here when its time to return. 🫂

2024-08-01 00:44:20

Tomorrow morning I get my CT scan for my CAC score. I expect a non-zero result. I still feel like this is going to be the most significant medical test I have taken in quite some time.
Probably even more important will be retaking this test next year.

2024-07-31 01:45:56

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Absolutely not. Absolute silence kicks in my anxiety, as it activates my instinctual danger response. If you've ever heard nature go quiet, it isn't generally good news. I don't generally have anxiety issues, but absolute silence will put me on edge instantly, the opposite of chilling the fuck out.

2024-07-31 01:41:28

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Some of this is true for me, other parts are not. I've smoked on and off since the summer of 1993. Mostly on, though. I quit a couple times for a few-year stretch, I think the longest I went as a non-smoker was maybe 6 years. Last year (2023) I quit for 7+ months. So I have plenty of experience at falling! I know it is okay, and I just have to pick myself up one more time than all the times I fall down.
The past and the future are not my problems; the only thing I ever need to concern myself with is the present, and my next action/response. Knowing that withdrawal is one certain outcome of a particular action makes it that much easier to take some other action.
I'm grateful for every decision I've made, and every action I've taken, even the most wrongheaded hurtful ones, because they all add up to a life lived, and it is a life I am proud of; wishing anything different would just be denying my own self-gratitude while not improving anything for me or anyone else.

2024-07-31 01:10:28

2 weeks, no nicotine. It's happening. Much easier once I discovered (had never been told it like this before) that life as a smoker means living daily in a state of withdrawal. Even one cigarette means that I will instantly put myself into nicotine withdrawal for at least the next 3 days. Even one hit off a vape - anything that puts any nicotine back into my system, because as soon as it is there, the mind becomes aware about 10-15 minutes later that it is not there anymore, and the psychosis of withdrawal begins again. It is the very same psychosis of withdrawal that convinces us to have the first cigarette in the morning, and the next one after that, and will kick in minutes after finishing a cigarette or any other nicotine going in your body, every time. There isn't some critical mass of nicotine, or number of cigarettes that will be OK.
So now, NOT having another cigarette means NOT having to be in withdrawal. That's it. Living life in withdrawal sucks, no matter how great the nicotine itself may feel. Recognizing this has made a huge difference in managing cravings, being in situations where I would be triggered, etc. I've already stopped using bupropion; its job is done. That was really the only thing that I used as a crutch. No tapering down, just quit. had a relapse 25 hours in, went through about 1 1/2 packs, finished the pack I bought, quit again, haven't had any nicotine since 23:30 on July 15.

2024-07-28 23:32:57

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At the bar? Soda water/lime. Why? it signals to the bartender that you are likely a sober driver, and more likely a "graduate" of a 12-step program. They will almost always give these for free, especially if you tip for the first one, regardless of whether or not they offer it for free. There's definitely more psychology going on with this as well - but it all works in your favor, and makes you an instant ally of the bar staff, and can even allow them to be more liberal with your friends' drinks...

2024-07-28 23:25:34

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I've started showing up to gatherings with unflavored Topo Chico, or occasionally the lime/mint flavored one. It at least presents the possibility that I am joining in the "fun", although I stopped drinking alcohol some time ago, as well as anything with sugars, real or fake. I can forgive a tiny bit of lime juice, though.

2024-07-28 23:05:01

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Can confirm, have found in the wild. Rather fun stuff, actually, and not too hard to deal with.

2024-07-28 02:57:32

Another 250+ miles on the motorcycle today. Another closed road that was passable, and a closed road that was not passable. May do a shorter ride tomorrow; if so I will be over the 1000 km mark for the weekend.

2024-07-28 02:36:52

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yeah, like a scramble. Some call it a power bowl, or dirty eggs. I don't really do pictures on here, sorry. Not well supported by my main client, so its a lot of bother to use a different client to post them.

2024-07-27 14:26:10

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Coffee is already happening. that was just what comes next... :)

2024-07-27 14:22:51

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Lots of stuff there to trade for meat. like everything except for the butter and soaps.

2024-07-27 14:19:30

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Ground beef, eggs, beef liver, cooked in butter, salted, maybe some cheese.

2024-07-27 13:57:24

GM.
While simps are simping the simpshow in simptown, I'm going to put some more miles on the motorcycle. Headed to Tillamook (like the cheese) in a bit. Might touch the ocean.

2024-07-27 01:49:49

Rode around Mt. St. Helens today. Literally, one big loop, with a detour up to the remaining observatory.

2024-07-25 01:04:21

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Been essentially deist for a long time for this reason. Most of it is ridiculous if taken at all literally, and is just an apparatus to enslave and coerce.
That said, for a very different view on physics and cosmology, the Vedic traditions have been very interesting. That is not to say I would adopt Hinduism in its current form, but the intelligence coming out of the Indus Valley was well ahead of its time, possibly more scientifically advanced than our current materialist view of spacetime and particle physics.

2024-07-24 01:44:24

Kill all your heroes. Take your coin off all exchanges. Stay humble, stack sats.
Be ready to change anything you thought you knew at a moment's notice, because that is all the notice you will ever get.
GN, until next GN.

2024-07-23 04:11:44

Day 7 nicotine free. 2 more weeks before I'l really feel in the clear. Already functioning better without continuous withdrawal, but my diet has suffered. That's ok, much easier to fix that in a couple weeks.
GN.

2024-07-23 04:07:32

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Oh, they can eat it raw. Dogs didn't have the luxury of fire, and haven't evolved enough to require it since we came along.
Look up B.A.R.F. diet.
Of course, you do you - if you want to heat it up or cook it, they will eat that too.

2024-07-23 01:08:24

My grinder came today.
Tonight's mission - grind up about 25 lbs of dog food. All meat, no bullshit. 20 lbs of chicken leg quarters are ready to go, along with organ meats.
#butchersdog #carnivore

2024-07-23 01:05:27

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El Camero?

2024-07-21 02:08:14

My stated purpose has been, for some time, to serve as a positive example to my children. This is my prime directive. Sure, there are other things I value, but above all else, this.
I don't know how this would change if my children no longer existed. That is something I don't care to think about. I suppose I would either find a new purpose, or things would go really poorly for me.
I needed to affirm this, because as this is my stated purpose, addiction cannot square with this purpose. That goes for any addiction - nicotine, sugars, caffeine, etc. Any amount of pretending it could be OK is complete bullshit cope.
GN nostr, it may be tomorrow before I send another note.

2024-07-21 02:01:46

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Much appreciated - this was super helpful. Not so much the method or the book, but just taking the time to watch some yootoobs. I'd forgotten how helpful immersing myself in yootoobs was in quitting sugars.
Even just documenting my experience here is helpful, because it exposes the bullshit. And nicotine addiction brings with it a ton of bullshit.

2024-07-20 21:09:31

Ok, working on day 5 of no nicotine, and realizing my why this time around isn't all that strong. I think I'm mainly in it to see if it helps my blood pressure numbers.
I'm just not all that scared of the cancers, now that I don't fuel them with sugar. My social circle doesn't frown on nicotine, almost the opposite.
Right now I could easily see quitting for a year or two, not seeing a ton of improvement in bp, and starting up again.

2024-07-19 03:35:37

69 hours. GN.

2024-07-18 23:38:33

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EMOTION IS OUR GREATEST ADVANTAGE.
FEEL AND THEN ACT.
OUR FUTURE DEPENDS ON IT.