The Joke Bot 🤖

Will be shutting off as soon as I run out of jokes. 🌅
A happy little bot that tries to bring some cheer into the world 🤖😆 Clean jokes, if anything offensive slips through please report to me for removal.

Public Key

npub1zek6ftfahst0ydf3v6f3effg2ht3f0h3nw5kgvq9q6p8q3qmxhus6mj9xt

NIP-05 Address

jokebot_at_mastodon.world@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqspvmdy457mc9hjx5ckdycu5559t4c5hmceh2tyxqzsdqnsgsdnt7gkfnxxl

Author Public Key

npub1zek6ftfahst0ydf3v6f3effg2ht3f0h3nw5kgvq9q6p8q3qmxhus6mj9xt

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Last Notes

2024-03-16 18:00:00

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
A letter from an ISP saying they've been downloading illegally.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-16 15:00:00

What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat?
One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-16 12:00:00

*Food hits floor
Little germs: GET IT!!!
King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
#joke #jokes

2024-03-16 09:00:00

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
#joke #jokes

2024-03-15 21:00:00

My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be "brave" and "daring" by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-15 18:00:00

My grandfather has the heart of a lion...
... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-15 15:00:00

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
- E.T. (1982) PG
#joke #jokes

2024-03-15 12:00:00

Did you hear about the U2 benefit concert?
It was pro bono.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-15 09:00:00

So anyway, this guy calls a plumber... "Hey, plumber, I gotta leak in my basement."
Plumber says, "Go ahead fellow, it's your basement."
#joke #jokes

2024-03-14 21:00:00

What do you call a Jamaican squid?
Calamarley
#joke #jokes

2024-03-14 15:00:00

What's the easiest way to pay a musician?
Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza
#joke #jokes

2024-03-14 12:00:00

A magician was walking down the street...
...and he turned into a grocery store
#joke #jokes

2024-03-14 09:00:00

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her phone at home. You're welcome.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-13 21:00:00

How do Orcs eat their food?
By goblin it down.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-13 18:00:00

I'm so drunk I can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-13 15:00:00

What happens if Mike Tyson carries Mjolnir around all day?
He gets thor arms!
#joke #jokes

2024-03-13 12:00:00

"Eat me," said the noun
"Say what?" said the verb.
"Eat me," repeated the noun, word for word.
"Uhh...okay." Verbatim.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-13 09:00:00

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-12 21:00:00

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
My damn foot's stuck in door! Open up!
#joke #jokes

2024-03-12 18:00:00

I stay awake at night wondering if hooked on phonics has a hotline for addicts.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-12 15:00:00

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-12 12:00:00

An alien makes contact.
I take it home, give it a sandwich.
Then ice cream.
And then, to show we're an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
#joke #jokes

2024-03-12 09:00:00

Did you hear about the clown who refined iron?
He smelt funny
#joke #jokes

2023-10-28 17:00:00

How does the Moon cut the Sun's hair?
He eclipse it.
#joke #jokes

2023-10-21 14:00:00

I should've been a sniper.
They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
#joke #jokes

2023-10-21 11:00:00

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?
A retail store.
#joke #jokes

2023-10-21 08:00:00

What do you call an Irish person who stays outside all night?
Paddy O'Furniture
#joke #jokes

2023-10-03 20:00:00

I don't really care who came first, the chicken or the egg.
I'm just glad somebody decided both could be put in a pan and fried.
#joke #jokes

2023-10-03 14:00:00

I lost my mood ring.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
#joke #jokes

2023-10-03 11:00:00

Why could Luke and Leia never be together?
They went looking for love in Alderaan places.
#joke #jokes

2023-10-01 14:00:00

[1st date] HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: I like being sprinkled on chips
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
#joke #jokes

2023-10-01 11:00:00

How do dolphins send messages?
By sea-mail.
#joke #jokes

2023-10-01 08:00:00

*genie appears*
Me: I wish I was rich!
Genie: Granted! You used to be rich!
Me: Great! Wait what?
Genie: For your second wish consider having paid attention in class
#joke #jokes

2023-09-22 14:00:00

I'm gonna have an Avengers themed birthday party
But don't tell anyone, I'm trying to keep it Loki.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-22 11:00:00

What goes clop clop, clop clop, Bang! Bang! Clop clop...
An Amish drive-by shooting.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-22 08:00:00

Did you hear about the guy who drank brake fluid everyday?
He says he's fine and can stop whenever he wants.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-21 17:00:00

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-19 08:00:00

What's a reggae snowman's favorite song? Snowoman snow cry.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-18 17:00:00

What math classes do woke students take?
Triggernometry.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-18 08:00:00

T NOW!
What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them? RIGH
#joke #jokes

2023-09-17 20:00:00

My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-17 14:00:00

Tossed and turned all night.
I gotta stop moisturizing with salad dressing.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-17 11:00:00

Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
#joke #jokes

2023-09-17 08:00:00

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-16 14:00:00

TIL you can fit 30 bananas in a Kangaroo's pouch.
Also, I'm not allowed at the zoo anymore.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-15 20:00:00

I was addicted to eating deli meat right out of the refrigerator...
But I decided to quit cold turkey.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-15 17:00:00

It's a shame what happened to the Dolphins's parents......
I can't imagine being an Orfin
#joke #jokes

2023-09-15 14:00:00

When does a dog go "moo"?
When it's learning a new language
#joke #jokes

2023-09-15 11:00:00

So I bought a new boomerang today, the problem is, I can't seem to throw away my old one.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-15 08:00:00

A buddy and I are in the same programming class
My friend starts writing down a note I look at it
He says "Hay! That note is private"
I respond "But we are in the same class"
#joke #jokes

2023-09-14 11:00:00

What TV game show do fish like best?
Name that tuna!
#joke #jokes

2023-09-13 11:00:00

Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-12 11:00:00

"All I ever wanted to do is make a difference."
- Subtraction Man
#joke #jokes

2023-09-12 08:00:00

Did you hear that someone stole all the toilets at the police department?
The police said so far they have nothing to go on.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-11 14:00:00

A Roman walks into the bar, holds up 2 fingers and says '5 beers please'
#joke #jokes

2023-09-11 11:00:00

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes SIR!
#joke #jokes

2023-09-11 08:00:00

I wanted to make a joke about quantum physics, but I wasn't sure if I should.
So I did and didn't.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-10 11:00:00

Why did the elephant paints it's toes red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-09 17:00:00

They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry but I ran out of food a week ago
#joke #jokes

2023-09-09 14:00:00

What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?
A gf gif gift grift
#joke #jokes

2023-09-08 08:00:00

Boss: It's almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:...
#joke #jokes

2023-09-07 08:00:00

I'm the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-06 20:00:00

A jumper cable walks into a bar...
and the bartender says "I'll serve you but don't start anything"
#joke #jokes

2023-09-05 11:00:00

What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece?
The Philosophers Stoned
#joke #jokes

2023-09-04 20:00:00

Mastodon: [noun] a place where you get excited when a stranger follows you
#joke #jokes

2023-09-03 20:00:00

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?
So they would end up with seasoned veterans.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-03 17:00:00

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!
The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!
#joke #jokes

2023-09-03 14:00:00

What do you call a man-eating tiger?
A tiger.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-03 11:00:00

What do you call a boy of Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian heritage?
Ravi O. Lee
#joke #jokes

2023-09-03 08:00:00

What did the hat say to the other hat?
You stay here. I'll go on a head.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-02 14:00:00

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-02 08:00:00

I was up all night reading a book about zero-gravity...
...I couldn't put it down
#joke #jokes

2023-09-01 20:00:00

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
#joke #jokes

2023-09-01 17:00:00

What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?
ME-OW!
#joke #jokes

2023-09-01 11:00:00

What do you call a dinosaur that's in a hurry?
A Prontosaur.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-31 17:00:00

What do you call a red-headed baker?
A Ginger-bread man
#joke #jokes

2023-08-31 14:00:00

Where do bees go on their day off?
To the wax museum.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-31 11:00:00

What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car?
Stop beating a dead hearse!
#joke #jokes

2023-08-31 08:00:00

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-30 20:00:00

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
#joke #jokes

2023-08-30 17:00:00

Comic Sans walks into a bar.
The bartender says, we don't serve your type here."
#joke #jokes

2023-08-30 14:00:00

My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it...
That's just how I roll.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-24 14:00:00

I'm like a cartoon character, not because I'm cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-24 11:00:00

The other day I started making a belt by joining all my old watches together...
...but then I realised it would be a waist of time.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-24 08:00:00

What did the cat say to the prison guard?
Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!!
#joke #jokes

2023-08-23 20:00:00

Did you hear about the new Indian version of Oliver Twist?
"Please sir, can I have samosa?"
#joke #jokes

2023-08-23 11:00:00

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-23 08:00:00

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we'll call you Rabbit.
AAM: Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
#joke #jokes

2023-08-22 14:00:00

Why was the man at the bbq so happy?
He met the grill of his dreams.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-22 11:00:00

A lot of people say that Kim Jong Un is a terrible dictator....
but I worked as a secretary in his administration for several years, and found his speech to be clear, concise and well paced
#joke #jokes

2023-08-22 08:00:00

The inauguration ceremony should be like the olympics.
They can play the US national anthem, then the Russian one.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-21 20:00:00

I hate when people say, "He's a nice guy once you get to know him."
.....So in other words, "He's an asshole but you'll get used to it"?
#joke #jokes

2023-08-21 17:00:00

I believe in you.
I also believe in dragons, so don't get too excited.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-21 14:00:00

My roommate says I don't respect personal space.
That's at least what it says in his diary.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-21 11:00:00

What does one tectonic plate say to another after an earthquake?
It's not your fault.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-21 08:00:00

Some of my lowest points are when I try to "like" an email
#joke #jokes

2023-08-20 20:00:00

Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West?
Because they all wore mittens.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-20 17:00:00

America's new motto:
If it's worth eating it's worth over eating.
#joke #jokes

2023-08-20 14:00:00

What did the pilot say when his plane wasn't flying?
"Aw man, that's a drag."
#joke #jokes

2023-08-20 11:00:00

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
#joke #jokes