𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚝𝚑

Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Let’s talk #photography 📷 (all photos are mine) He/him My tootfolio: https://justmytoots.com/UnFitz2@universeodon.com

Public Key

npub1v878aurdk38738m7ayra27r733e53p7mscfz687pate66vj5lr3s7hkyfz

NIP-05 Address

UnFitz2_at_universeodon.com@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsxrlr77pkmgnlgnalwjp740plgcu6gsldcvy3drlq74uadxf203ccpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qa0mmly

Publishing to

relay.mostr.pub

Author Public Key

npub1v878aurdk38738m7ayra27r733e53p7mscfz687pate66vj5lr3s7hkyfz

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Last Notes

2023-09-17 18:10:07

I don’t make decisions until I’ve thoroughly overthought them through.

2023-09-17 10:40:14

I’ll have one ceremony, hold the pomp, extra circumstance.
To go.

2023-09-05 15:13:02

I don’t want to set the world on fire…
I just want to start
A flame in your car…
- several of my exes

2023-08-25 20:51:36

Me: I hate math.
Brit: It’s “maths.”
Me: But I love sports.
Brit: It’s “sport.”
Me: …
Me: Who put you people in charge of English?

2023-08-21 15:36:10

I could use a change of scenery.
*moves from couch to bed*

2023-08-20 10:07:35

Free speech has its limits. If you shout “Theater!” in a crowded firehouse they spray you with the hose.

2023-08-19 13:42:04

People who knock white chocolate because “It isn’t real chocolate,” I ask you:
Are hamburgers made of real ham?
Be careful. Your argument is a slippery slope.

2023-08-19 12:18:12

After careful deliberation and deep, thoughtful analysis, I made yet another poor decision.

2023-08-18 10:21:59

Scientists aren't sure where to find the center of the universe.
They must not have seen you pointing frantically at yourself.

2023-08-17 10:52:21

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock he transforms into Neil Diamond.

2023-08-16 11:19:49

#photography #naturephotography #butterfly #telephoto
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/899/012/003/482/801/original/82d4eb278ef7cc2b.png

2023-08-16 10:16:22

I married a Venetian because love is blind.

2023-08-15 10:02:44

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

2023-08-14 12:56:10

Is your post just too long?
Or is my attention span just too stunted?
Welp, either way…*scrolls on*

2023-08-14 10:30:22

Missed red flags:
A “GLOBAL ENTRY” tramp stamp

2023-08-13 13:07:56

Well well well. If it isn't my old nemesis, 2:34AM. And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

2023-08-12 14:00:31

Her: How do you feel about wine moms?
Me: I mean, people adopt highways. Who am I to judge?

2023-08-11 20:37:16

Intelligent Design:
“Humans are so physiologically complex, they must have been designed by a higher intelligence.”
Artificial Intelligent Design:
“More fingers I SAID MORE FINGERS”

2023-08-10 10:35:33

A “drive to succeed” is just a fear of failure, but with a good PR agent.

2023-08-08 17:35:27

If your dream includes a cheeseburger and a gun, you’re having the American dream.

2023-08-06 10:29:16

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

2023-08-06 10:27:11

Pollinator party
#photography #butterfly #bees #naturephotography #wildflowers
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/842/167/667/441/971/original/abb6b13c33196ddf.png
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/842/168/098/286/651/original/5ea355b093eaecc5.png
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/842/168/618/940/864/original/d0c2b0fd09dd5613.png
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/842/169/026/340/620/original/44ffc2d50b4c2384.png

2023-08-05 12:38:03

Anyone else watch porn and catch yourself wondering “Is that a UK or EU plug socket next to them?” or “Did they Scotchgard that white couch first?”
Of course you do.

2023-08-05 09:57:41

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the ‘70s when excessive body hair was still cool?

2023-08-04 20:28:11

Him: I hope this email finds you well.
Me: I hope this reply finds you swell.
Him: WTF?
Me: I thought we were doing a thing.

2023-08-04 10:25:24

Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.

2023-08-01 11:27:47

Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?
Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.
Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.
Me [𝘢 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳]: If you say so.

2023-07-29 09:35:47

If you believe that humans are the result of “intelligent design” you probably just never saw me choke on my own spit.

2023-07-26 10:36:51

EMOTIONAL FRUIT:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Anger
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

2023-07-22 17:38:24

[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a topographer.
Me: Cool, but are you willing to try some other positions?

2023-07-20 09:58:11

Her: You’ve been lying inert on that couch all day, haven’t you?
Me: The earth is rotating at 1,000 miles per hour.
Her:
Me: What I’m saying is I’m pretty darned ert, Brenda.

2023-07-18 11:04:52

Siesta Beach, FL
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/734/740/787/508/773/original/3131c1341e907310.png

2023-07-17 13:09:39

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

2023-07-16 17:52:26

Me: It’s a dark comedy with no romance and everything goes wrong for the main character.
Him: What film?
Me: Film? I’m talking about my life.

2023-07-15 16:14:26

Yes, autocorrect, by all means. Let’s describe me as a “long distance ruiner.”

2023-07-13 09:57:19

Maybe I’m afraid of my own shadow but you should see that bastard box.

2023-07-12 16:28:29

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

2023-07-10 15:12:15

Yes, by all means, autocorrect. Let’s reply to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

2023-07-09 23:13:57

Big Butler County Fair, yesterday
#photography #fairgroundride #colorsplash
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/686/637/561/464/174/original/aa26e509068445ba.png

2023-07-09 11:07:41

The dangers of Australia are exaggerated by the media. The truth is that at least 62% of Australian children reach adulthood without being consumed by predators. Not bad!

2023-07-07 15:08:53

Congratulations. You’re a person armed with a phone and an opinion. How utterly unique.

2023-07-07 12:53:01

I'm a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I'm a pizza person.

2023-07-04 17:56:10

Thoughts and prayers for my 7-year-old who says she’s having an “extra stencil crisis.”

2023-07-04 12:08:42

I have the vocabulary of a much less word thingy person.

2023-07-03 10:03:55

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

2023-06-27 21:53:47

🎵 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵, 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵, 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘶𝘵…
𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘵 🎵
Hi, Tears For Fears here to tell you about our good friends and Salerno’s Bath & Tile…

2023-06-22 20:42:52

- reply

@npub10xg…h39u 😂 Perfect!

2023-06-22 10:39:38

The Exorcist (1973):
Worst workout video ever. One star, do not recommend.

2023-06-19 10:03:31

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

2023-06-18 10:33:01

2023-06-17 10:51:23

Both of you secretly believe you’re the lucky one.
That’s how it’s supposed to feel.

2023-06-15 13:07:40

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

2023-06-11 18:45:59

I don’t hold grudges forever.
Only until they fester and have to be amputated.

2023-06-10 13:09:21

Sorry, can’t. The wife and I are redecorating the bathroom this weekend. We’re going with “Postmodern Document Box.” It’s all the rage.

2023-06-10 09:11:42

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

2023-06-09 10:05:14

Right now about 32% of the US population is angrily pronouncing “indictment” like it rhymes with “predicament.”

2023-06-05 11:41:13

Her profile says she’s all-natural but I think she forgot to add “disaster” at the end.

2023-06-03 12:04:21

“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: One of us is a moron and it sure ain’t me.

2023-05-27 12:59:02

Couldn’t think of the word for kale so I ordered a “plate of green sadness” and they knew exactly what to bring.

2023-05-18 09:29:37

*eyes narrowed*
“You think I don’t know you didn’t REALLY throw the ball, Kevin? Foolish gambit. I’ve read The Art of War.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/388/955/799/653/119/original/2749a6eabed2d6c9.png

2023-05-17 12:44:38

West Point? You’d think they’d teach military students to point in more than one direction, FFS.

2023-05-15 17:26:53

“I think 14 cups of coffee may have been overdoing it” he panted, by then more squirrel than man.

2023-05-14 15:32:39

British vocabulary lesson:
Fries are “chips.”
Chips are “crisps.”
Sports are “sport.”
Math is “maths.”
Everyone’s a “c*nt” but sometimes it’s meant affectionately.

2023-05-14 15:06:10

Bath, England
#photography #roman #architecture #history #archaeology #ruins
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/367/637/883/542/407/original/addfede8e75f3fc5.png

2023-05-12 12:31:05

Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Don’t worry, I got this.
Me, to the waiter: 𝘛𝘩ę 𝘭à𝘥ÿ 𝘸ôü𝘭𝘥 𝘭ì𝘬ê à 𝘩ä𝘮𝘣ú𝘳𝘨é𝘳, 𝘱𝘭ēášè.

2023-05-10 13:55:14

Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Brenda, not this again.

2023-05-08 16:29:38

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
- parallel parking a Time Machine

2023-05-08 10:58:29

Everyone: Contemplate the void
Brits: Mind the gap

2023-05-07 16:22:59

My final wish is for someone to stick a pair of googly eyes on the outside of my body bag.

2023-05-04 11:01:49

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

2023-05-03 17:35:09

“Balls to the wall” is a highly inefficient way to paint your house.

2023-04-25 18:52:19

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

2023-04-22 14:56:37

There was a time when I never mixed metaphors but that ship has sunk.

2023-04-16 12:11:48

Friends are the family you choose for yourself.
Family are the people you choose to keep away from your friends.

2023-04-09 10:59:45

Me: Playing a video game?
15: No. Watching a YouTube video of someone else playing a video game.
Me: Seriously? How can you enjoy that?
15: *shrugs*
[later]
Me: *watches porn*

2023-03-31 10:53:59

Republicans have weaponized the word “weaponize.”
Except when it comes to describing actual weapons.

2023-03-31 09:37:30

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

2023-03-29 22:56:11

Did it make a sound?
#[0] #[1]
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/109/025/809/135/215/original/dd2622aef8571d15.png

2023-03-29 11:17:20

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Yeah? Then what’s fire made of?
Me: …
Kid: ✨Maaagggiiiccc ✨

2023-03-26 15:37:23

For some, home is where the hard is.

2023-03-25 10:37:59

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
Me: They really got on my nerves.

2023-03-21 21:19:34

I remember when it was called "drinking a glass of water" instead of "hydrating."

2023-03-16 12:38:27

OCD sext:
I want to bend you over my desk so you can organize my post-it notes by size and color. Wait, you're doing it wrong. Blue first.

2023-03-12 13:26:49

If I see you buy an umbrella when it isn’t even raining, you have your shit together in ways I can only dream of.

2023-03-09 11:46:56

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Him: Apologies, sir. Let me ask it to evolve into something more pleasant.

2023-03-07 22:46:57

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Judge: Stop that.
Defendant: Stop that.
– repeat offenders

2023-03-03 12:59:46

There’s safety in numbers.
Except for 8.
I don’t trust that beady-eyed motherfucker.

2023-03-01 11:19:12

Unlocked my phone with my face and it spontaneously googled a list of plastic surgeons.

2023-02-28 10:14:37

Sleep is for people who aren’t holding the world together with the mental force of their anxiety.

2023-02-23 10:23:38

One man’s trash is another man’s garbage.
Because that’s how synonyms work.

2023-02-22 18:27:04

Not everyone is open to artificial intelligence but it sure as hell beats organic stupidity.

2023-02-22 10:24:48

6: I hurt my fucking fingers at school today.
Me: Whoa, pal! Maybe you should say “fiddlesticks” instead.
6: Oh, OK. Well, I hurt my fucking fiddlesticks at school today.

2023-02-21 10:31:15

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

2023-02-16 16:10:27

I didn't choose the thug life.
Nor was the thug life remotely interested in me.

2023-02-14 11:23:41

Accidentally threw out my hammer pants and now I don’t know what time it is.

2023-02-13 10:37:56

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat? Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

2023-02-11 12:21:45

Erotica is just porn that went to an elite private school.

2023-02-10 13:59:49

If you think the world revolves around you, you're either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

2023-02-09 21:01:47

“Can you keep a secret?” asked the person about to stop keeping a secret.

2023-02-06 01:37:48

Me: How much for the goth baseball?
Aquarium employee: That’s a sea urchin.