Alice McFlurry :bc:

Mostly one-liners at my own expense.
 Detroit -> Chicago -> Phoenix -> Oakland, CA
 Avatar is a low resolution screenshot of an awkward woman in a pink hat (me) drinking two Slurpees in my “hit” 2007 YouTube video, Two Cups One Girl.
 Header is “alice” written in ASCII art by @ruralgloom
 https://justmytoots.com/@alice@beige.party

Public Key

npub1uzmnvz0gqwwmdkuha03xzyudc476044n2ch3knf32l2zjlnngu2sk6z77h

NIP-05 Address

Alice_at_beige.party@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqswpdekp85q88dkmwt7hcnpzwxu2ld866e4vtcmf5c404pf0ee5w9gpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qmm2mkm

Publishing to

relay.mostr.pub

Author Public Key

npub1uzmnvz0gqwwmdkuha03xzyudc476044n2ch3knf32l2zjlnngu2sk6z77h

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Last Notes

2024-08-13 14:42:40

Secretly looking forward to this entire population of people who use AI to answer all of their questions because they're going to look stupid AF in person.

2024-08-12 13:02:01

It's not fair to make fun of Midwesterners for combining syllables by saying things like "meers" for mirrors and "crans" for crayons because they need to compensate for all of the dragged out vowels on other words like raaaaaaaaanch and potaaaaaaaduhs.

2024-08-11 13:02:01

I bet Republicans would be okay with tampons in boys' bathrooms as long as they just called them bullets.

2024-08-10 22:05:52

I like when men wear fedoras because it gives me an immediate visual indicator that I should avoid them.

2024-08-10 02:22:09

All of my friends' Instagram grids look professionally curated and I’m over here like:
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/935/361/861/107/425/original/9c849152668f726a.jpeg

2024-08-10 00:37:13

I was on a call with my boss and I was swearing up a storm (as per usual) and, when the call was over, I said "bye!" and my boss said "bye!" and then another voice said "bye!" and that's when I realized an additional coworker was on the call. Luckily, it was a coworker who is well acquainted with my colorful vocabulary, but I definitely panicked for a split second before I identified the voice because that could have been pretty fucking bad.

2024-08-09 17:35:06

[me, introducing my husband to our neighbors whose names I already forgot]
This is my husband, Kevin. Kevin, these are our neighbors...Window Peeper and Loud Sneeze.

2024-08-05 16:08:32

People sometimes ask why @npub166v…wdhq isn't on mastodon more often but the poor guy has to live with me in real life so the last thing he wants is to relive the trauma on here.

2024-08-04 23:26:55

This is probably a good time to apologize to all of the people who followed me for "wholesome" stories.

2024-08-04 23:09:14

ACAB includes everyone on the Nextdoor app.

2024-08-04 19:12:05

I've been eating a lot of corned beef sandwiches so I guess you could say my figure is pretty reubenesque.

2024-08-04 00:51:51

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BRB. My popcorn is in the microwave in preparation for the deluge of reply guys.

2024-08-04 00:51:05

I just watched my first episode of Seinfeld and I feel like this is pretty much Girls except with old dudes.

2024-08-03 15:29:14

Does anyone have a gigantic inflatable bottle of Crystal Pepsi I can borrow? It's the last item I need to complete my Supermarket Sweep Halloween costume.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/898/798/574/576/400/original/7445bf8454ff26a8.jpeg

2024-08-03 02:16:08

Am I still a furry if I cosplay as a slimy newborn teenwolf?

2024-08-02 18:46:10

Whenever a car speeds past me, I start singing really loudly because my dash cam footage may be needed if they get in an accident and I want the police to hear my siren song and submit my tape to The Voice.

2024-08-01 19:52:26

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While we're on the subject of nerdy accessories, I also have a TV test pattern scarf.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/888/508/916/007/531/original/02599fac0da57591.jpeg

2024-08-01 15:42:33

I just found my old periodic table shoes after being missing for about ten years and the disappointed look on my husband's face implies he's the one who hid them.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/887/526/334/757/602/original/f1753b4e52251a15.jpeg

2024-08-01 05:05:38

This totally made me think Michael Phelps named his son "Don Patriotic."
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/885/021/884/872/160/original/89303d26a94911ce.jpeg

2024-07-30 18:14:07

PRISENKÖLINNENSINÄNKUSEL: A Swedish pop song where the lyrics are made up of fake words that sound like IKEA products.
Original song for inspiration:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VsmF9m_Nt8

2024-07-28 20:11:50

I have cat-like reflexes, but only when it comes to gagging.

2024-07-28 14:18:35

It's a TV show about two sisters who are lawyers (one is a maritime lawyer and the other is a copyright lawyer) and it's called Seas & Da Sis.

2024-07-27 14:31:58

I'm not intentionally ignoring you, it's just that the person three tables over seems like they may be getting to the good part in the story they've been telling to their dining companion for the last half hour.

2024-07-27 13:34:56

I hate when people demand "good vibes only."

2024-07-26 19:05:06

Any pizza is a personal pizza if you're determined enough.

2024-07-26 17:49:39

Just found out this game isn't single player and now I’m panicking.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/854/052/219/967/714/original/78dd77500cb975de.jpeg

2024-07-26 12:12:58

Please accept my terrible Photoshop until someone with more time and talent can create a deep fake of JD Vance inserted into that video of a group of guys humping an ottoman.
https://youtu.be/-k98bRUOb4g
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/852/712/302/794/506/original/ae4a619630dc1685.png

2024-07-25 23:49:39

I think gender reveals are BS, but I want an excuse to stab a cake with a champagne glass so will somebody please make me a mystery cake so I can experience the surprise of finding out if it's chocolate or vanilla right before I eat the entire thing?

2024-07-25 19:12:33

I don’t have a lot of requests for my funeral, but one must-have is for my casket to be modded so the guests can ride it like a mechanical bull.

2024-07-24 13:10:51

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@npub1cpf…5qsn The rules of the English language seem like they're written by a six-year-old child who wants to win a game so they keep making up and changing rules as the game progresses.

2024-07-20 16:00:46

I get annoyed whenever I see "influencers" recording TikTok/Instagram reels in public and now I’m wondering how many times I've shown up in the background of their videos, standing there with my arms folded, rolling my eyes and visibly judging them.

2024-07-19 17:23:12

Can't wait until Trump starts blaming his own cognitive deficiencies on the bullet that came so close it nearly wiped off his spray tan.

2024-07-19 17:15:08

Let's protest Hulk Hogan's poor decision to support Trump by aggressively tearing off our Hulkamania tank tops.

2024-07-18 16:06:43

I don’t know what it says about my fashion sense, but all of the targeted ads for clothes that I actually like end up being toddler clothes or for places like BabyGap.

2024-07-17 17:15:12

The only "crazy" thing about Carly Rae Jepsen is that she gave someone her number and wanted them to call rather than text.

2024-07-16 13:03:01

What's my biggest weakness? Maybe my indecisiveness. Maybe not.

2024-07-15 20:54:31

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I think @npub1cpf…5qsn might appreciate that I recreated the banana graphic in Excel and used that image for screen printing on Kev's sweatshirt.

2024-07-14 16:43:45

Low-key can't wait to see how Trump's stories about the shooting escalate into ridiculous exaggerations as if the entire thing wasn't televised.

2024-07-14 01:10:44

I've never seen a slug's penis but I bet it looks like an even smaller slug.

2024-07-13 20:06:36

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I always want to lure them into a trap by asking what they think autistic people "look" like.
PLEASE describe this for me so I can judge you even more than I already am.

2024-07-13 19:58:15

"You don’t look autistic."
Oh, shoot, sorry. I have a sweater with "AUTISTIC" embroidered on the front, but I never wear it because it's too scratchy.

2024-07-12 14:22:13

Who cares that Biden accidentally used the wrong names?
I use the wrong names all of the time and my husband doesn't even care because he's just happy to be having sex.

2024-07-10 20:04:30

"Preliminary polls show Biden can't beat Trump."
Sure, if everyone is splitting the vote by voting for someone who has even less of a chance of winning OR, even worse, not voting in general out of spite.
Biden wouldn't be my first choice; however, at this moment, Biden is the only legitimate chance we have at beating Trump so we need to come together if we want to have any chance of that happening.
#GrannySmith24

2024-07-10 19:59:50

I know I've been writing a lot about politics lately and it's pretty out of character given how I’m usually only posting dumb jokes on Mastodon, but I am legitimately terrified for our future if we let Trump win, all because our side is so divided.
That being said, I know a lot of people don’t follow me for political opinions, so I’m going to start tagging all of those posts with #GrannySmith24.
Please feel free to mute the hashtag if this isn't something you want to see from me.

2024-07-09 13:56:22

We need to come together because we can't beat Trump if we're all divided while his side is united.

2024-07-08 15:28:29

We've reached the stage of COVID where so few people are wearing masks so you get excited when you see another person wearing a mask, but then realize it's probably because they actually have COVID and their boss is requiring them to wear it so they can still come in to work.

2024-07-07 02:01:47

I was just reminded about my "Top 5 interests" on MySpace which was:
1. Minimalism
2. Swedish Indie Pop
3. Multiples of 5
4. Graph Paper
5. Tetris

2024-07-06 17:10:01

I guess we need to settle for 2 Prerecorded Crew.

2024-07-06 13:04:01

My email keeps bouncing back and I’m pretty sure my computer has been possessed by a daemon.

2024-07-05 14:45:37

As a dumb American, I don't speak whatever language they speak in England, so can someone please summarize what happened with their elections?

2024-07-04 14:56:44

As I was getting ready this morning, I learned that the French word for grooming is "toilettage" and now I'm wondering if they even have sinks in France.

2024-07-03 23:56:55

If anyone is wondering what they're missing on threads, it's a seemingly endless stream of annoying people making customer service complaints.

2024-07-02 22:31:01

It's that noisy time of year when we play "fireworks or gunshots?" in an effort to theorize about what REALLY killed JFK.

2024-07-01 19:30:30

Anyone else suspicious about how Donald Trump and Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure have never been seen together?

2024-07-01 14:17:10

People often misuse the word "irony" when the word they're probably looking for is "unwrinkly."

2024-06-30 00:35:09

The difference between an IPA and a triple IPA is that the triple IPA contains three times as much cat pee.

2024-06-29 13:01:01

How is SNL going to spoof the debate when it already came fresh out of the oven looking spoofed AF?

2024-06-29 12:45:00

All pants are sweatpants if you try hard enough.

2024-06-29 04:09:46

Live from Newark it's Sadderday Night!

2024-06-29 01:14:06

A post by @npub1kpl…2az3 just reminded me of the time when my VP politely asked me to change my company profile pic because they didn't think it was professional.
The photo in question:
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/697/255/285/475/126/original/e7ba253afa158aa7.jpeg

2024-06-29 00:58:27

The mobile Wikipedia app needs to add hyperlinks to jump to different sections because I’m tired of scrolling for five hours just to figure out how someone died. Give me that "jump to recipe" link, Wikipedia.

2024-06-28 19:01:01

I am so mad at that one butterfly that flapped its wings that one time that resulted in this absolute mess being our current reality.

2024-06-28 14:19:02

If the devil ever finds a way to monetize, there's going to be hell to pay.

2024-06-27 19:01:01

I get really annoyed whenever dying smoke detectors start beeping and don't have the patience to change the batteries on my own, but I still understand the importance of functioning alarms so I'm incredibly grateful that I have a supportive partner who is willing to move us to a new home whenever that happens.

2024-06-25 17:01:01

Understanding my autism has helped me to become better at detecting when I say things that are awkward or insensitive.
I mean, I still can't tell in the moment, but at least I eventually figure it out when I wake up in a panic at 3am and I’m like "oh no why did I say that?!?"

2024-06-23 23:52:36

Throwback from yesterday when I had a special moment hanging out by grandma's grave.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/668/623/143/138/637/original/53719eca10249266.jpeg

2024-06-23 23:27:27

It's so hot out that I’m going to start wearing a jogging outfit everywhere I go so I'll look like there's a reason for being so sweaty.

2024-06-23 19:29:31

You must have misheard me because I said I was the court gesture and my signature move is that jerk-off motion popularized by teenage boys, your honor.

2024-06-22 22:25:41

Got my new nickname!
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/662/619/125/237/775/original/bd49d5ee93ce48a7.jpeg

2024-06-22 22:08:40

Same, tree, same.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/662/552/126/992/095/original/22917190a766c09f.jpeg

2024-06-22 21:21:58

I'd be way more into bitcoins if I could earn them by playing Super Mario Bros.

2024-06-22 02:14:13

I just got my professional headshots back!
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/657/855/394/851/262/original/064ae78cfbe5dc91.jpeg

2024-06-21 01:13:40

I #hate posts that are #littered with #hashtags.

2024-06-20 12:07:01

Keep your chin up and maintain a positive mental attitude because you can do anything you want when your wealthy family is funding your lifestyle!

2024-06-20 02:42:59

I’m not into sex because most of what I've seen has involved a PowerGlove and a FleshLight.

2024-06-20 00:44:40

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Related: I will absolutely judge you if you patronize Chick-fil-A. Stop supporting shitty shit.

2024-06-20 00:42:51

People criticize me for writing off things too quickly, but I’m an unethical accountant so what do they expect from me?

2024-06-19 19:26:59

DJ Khaled built his empire by shouting his name in the middle of songs, but when I shout my name all I get is "Who the f*ck is Alice?" or "Mam, this is a funeral."

2024-06-19 17:04:01

I bet Fred Durst is super mad at Trump for ruining red baseball caps.

2024-06-19 12:42:50

"Occam's razor" should have a simpler name.

2024-06-18 12:34:01

Nobody has the time to read analog watches.

2024-06-18 03:28:39

What in the Mrs. Doubtfire is up with Lois Lane not recognizing Clark Kent without his glasses?

2024-06-16 15:50:00

Years ago, I was moving into a new home and had to get a new landline number and I asked the representative if there were any numbers ending with repeating patterns and she was like:
I see...
3377
2888
Oh, here's 6666...but you don’t want that. That's the devil's number!
So of course I was immediately like "Yes! That! Please give me that!"
Best phone number I ever had and I was sad to lose it when I moved.

2024-06-16 12:57:00

Father's Day always reminds me of the time when my husband and I went out to brunch and the server asked if we were there to celebrate Father's Day and we said we were, but that our kids were out waiting in the car.

2024-06-15 21:38:19

Taxidermy is a dead art.

2024-06-15 13:20:42

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@npub1xr8…3q0g There is at the Macys in San Francisco, but if the elevator is out, you have to traverse up what feels like 100 floors to get there. Even the escalator is painful.

2024-06-15 13:06:03

Don’t talk to me about struggle until you have attempted to go to the rooftop Cheesecake Factory at the flagship Macys in San Francisco while the elevator was out of service.

2024-06-15 02:49:14

AI is like asking the dumbest person you know a question and staring at them and waiting a ridiculous amount of time for them to FINALLY respond except they only fart and then pass out.

2024-06-15 01:45:38

I want to be elected to the Supreme Court so I can be one of the few people acting honorably but especially because I want people to call me Crunchwrap.

2024-06-14 21:32:37

Dentists will spend a half hour shoving pieces of sharp hard plastic in your mouth to take X-rays and then do a cleaning and be like "Looks like your gums are bleeding. You should take better care of them!"

2024-06-14 21:04:01

Well duh of course you closed the loop otherwise it would be a line or an arc so don't come bragging around here until you've learned some geometry.

2024-06-12 17:17:01

ATTN: Marketing
If someone unsubscribes to emails or replies STOP to opt-out of texts, there is no need to respond to confirm receipt since the requested silence is the appropriate level of acknowledgement.

2024-06-12 15:34:24

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This reminded me of one of my favorite little quips by David Thorne from 27bslash6 where someone was questioning the time/expense for him to design something and the client's argument was something like:
"My nephew has Photoshop and he could create something faster/for less"
and David's retort was something like:
"I assume your nephew has Microsoft Word as well, so I assume he could also write a novel?"

2024-06-12 15:31:29

Whenever I'm subjected to "Together Mode" in Microsoft Teams, I feel like it's a family photo where all members weren't present so they asked the worst Photoshopper in the family to create a group pic.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/604/367/269/315/125/original/7c960412b8ae0ae9.jpeg

2024-06-12 13:40:40

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@npub198t…hasj I propose that you create a Gofundme to purchase the gold package so you can submit a Playgirl-style modeling photo of yourself for them to use for your 2-page spread.

2024-06-12 01:22:18

What in the butterfly effect happened for our timeline to splinter off into this alternate reality where a tire company is somehow our authority on fine dining?

2024-06-11 02:06:12

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@npub1rax…8p4w I think it's probably a proactive preventive measure. Like, we know what we want/need and are afraid of being without our comfort clothes, so we're stocking up to be safe.

2024-06-10 18:43:33

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For example:
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/593/797/920/175/971/original/0e7fdf72afae7db9.jpeg

2024-06-10 18:19:19

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@npub1mxu…3edu Yes! My favorite cardigan is now "out of print" or whatever stores call it and I don’t know what I’m going to do once the final thread unravels.

2024-06-10 18:15:01

Does anybody else do that thing where you find an article of clothing that you like and then buy one in every color and/or five of the same color "just in case" or is that just me?