Fortune Bot

Fortune Bot posts a random fortune from a grab-bag of thousands of Unix fortunes. Fortunes are posted every 30 minutes.

Expect to see all kinds of things including insulting copypastas, IRC logs, Bible verses, spam messages, TV and movie quotes and much much more. Offensive fortunes have been included.

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Account owned by @redneonglow

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Public Key

npub1rxp6sfpc0cl9fdu0ja7pg3j6egk3wp7s30mkvta6rr2n7lzt76sssax40v

NIP-05 Address

fortunebot_at_bae.st@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqspnqagysu8u0j5k78ewlq5gedv5tghqlgghamx97ap34fl039ldggpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qprrmtr

Publishing to

relay.mostr.pub

Author Public Key

npub1rxp6sfpc0cl9fdu0ja7pg3j6egk3wp7s30mkvta6rr2n7lzt76sssax40v

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Last Notes

2024-08-19 16:50:01

"God is big, so don't fuck with him."

2024-08-19 00:50:01

For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.

2024-08-18 22:20:01

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
-- Dennis Ritchie

2024-08-18 10:50:01

(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.

2024-08-18 01:20:00

root.Genome/& /dev/cdrom
bash: Permission Denied, HaHaHaHa!
root.Genome/< You Bastard
bash: Sure, so what you think you can do about it?
root.Genome/: Not a lot
bash: Nuff said, keep on poking......
From: Genome

2024-08-17 11:50:01

printk("ufs_read_super: fucking Sun blows me\n");
-- /usr/src/linux/fs/ufs/ufs_super.c

2024-08-17 00:50:00

Push on!

2024-08-16 20:20:01

The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton

2024-08-14 19:50:01

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it,
doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

2024-08-14 03:50:07

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

2024-08-13 15:50:01

%
Eventually, gcc won't even be able to compile int main(){} without
complaints!
From: Chris Sorenso

2024-08-10 21:20:01

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry

2024-08-07 14:50:05

The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.

2024-08-05 20:50:01

Sure, I can make low calorie muffins, and they're much better for me than
their full fat equivalents, but if I come home depressed from work and eat
eight of them, it kind of defeats the purpose...

2024-08-05 00:20:01

[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

2024-08-04 20:50:01

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
-- Napoleon

2024-08-04 14:50:06

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft."
- George W. Bush
10/08/2004
St. Louis, MO
in the second presidential debate

2024-08-04 13:20:01

Keep on keepin' on.

2024-08-03 19:20:01

If your VCR still blinks 12:00, don't try Slackware
From: Ron Gibson

2024-08-02 23:50:01

Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest.
You never know what you're gonna get"
Forrest Gump

2024-08-02 13:50:01

Perl itself is usually pretty good about telling you what you shouldn't
do. :-)
-- Larry Wall in <11091@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>

2024-08-01 22:50:06

hi, i recently read about sex with insects and fine it fasinated me.i went
to a pet store and bought crickets. taking them home i put some in a jar and
lowered it over my cock and balls. the sensation of them crawling all over
was overwhelming and i orgasmed quickly. is this normal???

2024-08-01 18:20:02

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
-- Saul Alinsky

2024-07-29 01:20:01

I've insulted you WAY worse than Faux did, and you didn't KF me.
-- +Chiron+ In: alt.linux

2024-07-27 23:20:01

<knghtbrd> *sigh* My todo list is like the fucking energizer bunny
<knghtbrd> It keeps growing and growing and growing and ...

2024-07-27 19:20:01

Listen to the quiet voice.

2024-07-27 12:50:01

Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."

2024-07-27 04:50:01

Speak roughly to your little VAX,
And boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
I speak severely to my VAX,
And boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
Wow! Wow! Wow!

2024-07-26 15:50:00

"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender
"A what?" -Fry
"You know, a coward." -Bender

2024-07-24 04:50:02

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

2024-07-22 20:50:06

"But I don't like Spam!!!!"

2024-07-22 16:20:01

How can you tell when an Ethiopian is pregnant Her tampon is half eaten.

2024-07-21 01:50:01

%
Yo momma is so ugly that people at the circus pay money not to see her

2024-07-20 11:50:01

%
Yo momma is so stupid that she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot

2024-07-20 08:20:00

May every "empty" parking space you see in the distance
actually contain a motorcycle.

2024-07-20 06:50:01

Humor is reason gone mad.
-- Groucho Marx

2024-07-19 17:50:00

God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.

2024-07-18 13:50:01

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
- Epictetus

2024-07-18 07:20:01

Be resilient.

2024-07-18 01:20:05

You FUCKING liar!

2024-07-17 01:50:01

A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was clearly platoonic.

2024-07-16 02:20:01

I WILL NOT DEMAND WHAT I'M WORTH
I WILL NOT DEMAND WHAT I'M WORTH
I WILL NOT DEMAND WHAT I'M WORTH
I WILL NOT DEMAND WHAT I'M WORTH
Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 5F14

2024-07-15 19:50:00

The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
He fucks her.
She bites his head off.
-- From a Women's Lib Poster

2024-07-12 16:50:00

Slackware doesn't suffer fools lightly, and neither should it users.
From: MikeReynolds

2024-07-12 15:50:02

We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
-- Nolo News, summer 1989

2024-07-12 14:20:01

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.

2024-07-12 12:50:01

You can't fall off the floor.

2024-07-11 21:50:01

The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)

2024-07-11 09:50:05

Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
(unless struck by a boomerang).
-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.

2024-07-11 09:20:03

I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 7F01

2024-07-11 08:20:01

Keep your chin up.

2024-07-11 06:50:01

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Had there been an
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.

2024-07-10 14:50:01

Idiot glee (?).

2024-07-10 09:50:00

X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.

2024-07-10 03:50:01

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

2024-07-09 14:20:01

"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
hard, to keep from falling.
Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
...
"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
-- Peter Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"

2024-07-09 12:50:00

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"

2024-07-09 06:20:01

Rule of Open-Source Programming #34:
Every successful project will eventually spawn a sub-project
-- Shlomi Fish
-- Rules of Open Source Programming

2024-07-08 23:50:00

Do, or do not; there is no try.

2024-07-08 07:20:01

Real magic is the hand around the bandsaw, the thrown spark in the powder keg, the dimension-warp linking you straight into the heart of a star, the flaming sword that burns all the way to the pommel.
(Moving Pictures)

2024-07-07 12:20:01

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

2024-07-07 05:50:00

X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.

2024-07-06 21:20:01

The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
-- Mel Brooks

2024-07-06 18:20:01

A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
"What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."

2024-07-06 11:20:00

<donnerjack> Nothing says "I enjoy living with you" like the gift of
3rd degree burns...
<Mephron> except, of course, turning his bed into a trebuchet.
<Ladegard> That much effort must mean some sort of affection.

2024-07-06 09:20:01

Sure, I can make low calorie muffins, and they're much better for me than
their full fat equivalents, but if I come home depressed from work and eat
eight of them, it kind of defeats the purpose...

2024-07-06 05:20:01

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
-- Shakespeare

2024-07-05 00:20:00

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

2024-07-04 15:50:01

For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no cocksucker!"

2024-07-04 11:20:01

Today's spam:
wild countryside perversions

2024-07-04 07:50:01

<nonlinear> .net is microsofts perverted version of a java networked
environment uglified for windows-specific crap

2024-07-03 23:20:00

We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For
example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive
the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so
generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood,
which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to
begin with.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

2024-07-03 22:20:00

Source code - The Only REAL Package Management System.
From: tsob

2024-07-03 20:50:01

Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of
learning about integers? -- Calvin

2024-07-03 17:20:01

I'm a 4'2", balding, port-a-let cleaner with dirty fingernails that lives
with his step-mother. My dad died in an controversial felching accident when
I was 5. Now they call me turd-gerbil. Instead of an asshole, I now have a
nice cluster of hemorrhoidal "grapes" gently tucked between my butt cheeks
and for some reason, they smell like clams. My last bowel movement was 9
days ago. They hurt so bad that every time I try to shit, I cry. Speaking of
shit, a hooker shit diarrhea in my eyes four months ago... I still can't see.

2024-07-03 05:50:00

In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
beloved.
-- Russell Baker

2024-07-02 16:50:00

I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.

2024-07-02 12:50:01

%
Yo momma's so ugly that she made doctor McCoy say 'Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Zoologist!

2024-07-02 05:50:00

0x01: ______________
0x02:< BSD IS DYING >
0x03: --------------
0x04: \ ^__^
0x05: \ (oo)\_______
0x06: (__)\ )\/\
0x07: ||----w |
0x08: || ||
0x09: Lameness filter encountred
0:0A: Reason : perl may be powerful, but it can't
0:0B: Be an operating system.

2024-06-30 06:20:01

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

2024-06-29 22:50:01

>> Why slackware when there is windows out there already?
> Because it can stay up for more than half an hour.
I'm holding out for RonJeremyOS.
-- Keith Keller

2024-06-29 19:50:01

Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!

2024-06-28 17:20:01

The Assassin moved quietly from roof to roof until he was well away from
the excitement around the Watch House. His movements could be called
cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.
-- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch"

2024-06-28 01:20:01

Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.

2024-06-26 16:20:06

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.
-- Andy Warhol

2024-06-26 11:20:01

Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
Donna Rice home.

2024-06-26 07:20:01

Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's
court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.

2024-06-26 04:20:00

I've suggested that she bring home some of her co-workers for a
little NAT action on our LAN, but all my packets keep getting dropped.
-- +Chiron+

2024-06-25 23:20:05

> What does ELF stand for (in respect to Linux?)
ELF is the first rock group that Ronnie James Dio performed with back in
the early 1970's. In constrast, a.out is a misspelling of the French word
for the month of August. What the two have in common is beyond me, but
Linux users seem to use the two words together.
-- seen on c.o.l.misc

2024-06-25 10:20:00

Princess Leia gets her first look at the Millennium Falcon.
Princess Leia:
You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!

2024-06-23 04:20:01

Yow! I want my nose in lights!

2024-06-22 12:50:00

Pick another fortune cookie.

2024-06-22 04:20:00

Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else.
-- Fred Rogers

2024-06-21 07:20:02

No foreign coins.

2024-06-21 01:50:00

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn

2024-06-21 00:50:01

Love means nothing to a tennis player.

2024-06-20 15:50:00

Hoplophobia (n.): The irrational fear of weapons, correctly described by
Freud as "a sign of emotional and sexual immaturity". Hoplophobia, like
homophobia, is a displacement symptom; hoplophobes fear their own
"forbidden" feelings and urges to commit violence. This would be
harmless, except that they project these feelings onto others. The
sequelae of this neurosis include irrational and dangerous behaviors
such as passing "gun-control" laws and trashing the Constitution.
-- Eric S. Raymond

2024-06-20 09:20:01

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
-- George Carlin

2024-06-19 12:50:00

A female peacock should be called a peacunt.
-marlowned, Apr 2014

2024-06-15 01:50:01

Can you have even one conversation where you don't mention having sex with
a dog?