Dropped Mike

“jokes”

header by Dave Cactus

Public Key

npub1rrfs209cht8jlpkd3gzdjat89t2rxwtv5c3k6dtpcdxca0ke632qfxk0pz

NIP-05 Address

rebrafsim_at_universeodon.com@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsp35c98jut4ne0smxc5pxew4nj44pn89k2vgmdx4suxnvwhmvag4qpzemhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumn0wd68ytnzv9hxgt20nk3

Publishing to

relay.nostr.band

Author Public Key

npub1rrfs209cht8jlpkd3gzdjat89t2rxwtv5c3k6dtpcdxca0ke632qfxk0pz

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Last Notes

2025-01-17 19:36:04

daughter: look daddy, I made you this picture!
me: aw honey, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this

2025-01-09 00:23:04

me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: no, you have to buy it first

2025-01-08 00:08:20

me: don’t mind me, I’m just taking a gander
petting zoo employee: please put the goose down

2025-01-04 15:13:44

me: everything is terrifying
therapist: correct. that’ll be $300, please

2024-12-30 17:08:59

me: sorry I’m late, the string from my sweatpants got twisted up in the dryer and I had to make it straight
her: *eyes narrowing* well it’s a girl

2024-12-28 15:02:37

priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
me: why? it doesn’t even have any of those letters in it
priest: what
my bride: well it’s true

2024-12-27 19:00:08

hate when I walk into a room and forget to forget everything I’ve ever experienced

2024-12-17 22:54:59

me: best two out of three?
judge: no

2024-12-13 20:40:52

interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
me: oh they’re all pretty great

2024-12-06 17:01:21

me: you can’t fire me, I’m a whistleblower
HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo

2024-11-27 17:01:40

sgiving: aw shucks guys, it was nothing

2024-11-05 18:28:05

me: I’m voting with my feet!
election worker: no

2024-10-07 17:11:26

fight plagiarism. write terrible posts

2024-10-07 01:00:23

*throwing up a gang sign* when did I eat that

2024-08-10 16:14:32

me: *indignant* what do you mean “no reading allowed”? this is a library!
librarian: I said “aloud”

2024-07-28 19:09:57

therapist: you have oppositional defiant disorder
me: no I don’t

2024-07-03 21:23:09

[first therapy session]
me: *sobbing* I don’t think I can do this
patient: it’ll be okay

2024-07-03 01:01:36

rock: oh fuck I’m covered with paper tell my wife I love her

2024-06-25 20:14:20

“in case of emergency, break glass” sounds promising, but I’ve broken 31 glasses this week and nothing has changed

2024-06-13 11:36:38

[last day as a pharmacist]
customer: do you have any cold medicine?
me:*looking around* no, I think it’s all room temperature

2024-05-08 18:17:42

after years of hard work and sacrifice I can confidently recommend avoiding hard work and sacrifice. I did that so you don’t have to, you’re welcome

2024-04-17 11:58:22

mob boss: *sneering* take care of him
me: sure thing, boss *brings him home, raises him as my own, cries as he leaves for college*

2024-04-06 13:15:19

I’m my own worst enemy but the enemy of my enemy is my friend so I’m also my own best friend it’s just basic math

2024-02-19 18:24:32

inventor of the fork: I’ve invented the fork
inventor of the threek: dammit

2024-02-15 18:03:53

be prepared for every situation by avoiding them all

2024-02-06 12:01:59

- reply

@npub1nn8…8sed thanks!

2024-02-04 13:45:29

judge: how do you find the defendant?
me as the jury foreman: he’s usually here when we get here, your highness sir

2024-01-25 00:19:59

can’t stop won’t stop never started

2024-01-21 14:19:45

my flatbread recipe is naan of your business

2024-01-20 16:59:14

detective: where were you on the night of—
me: in bed
detective: I didn’t say which night
me: doesn’t matter
detective: I didn’t say what time
me: *looking him square in the eye* it doesn’t matter

2024-01-20 12:45:30

[11pm]
daughter: this is the latest I’ve ever been awake!
me: every second is the latest any of us has ever been alive
wife: *to daughter* I don’t know why he’s like this

2024-01-13 15:46:40

me: my new years resolution is to try to surprise people more
her: why are you telling me that so late?
me:
her:
me:
her: seriously?

2024-01-12 16:32:19

judge: the court calls a one-hour recess
prosecutor: hide and seek?
bailiff: *running outside* not it!

2024-01-11 11:54:16

any room is an escape room if someone else is in it

2024-01-09 14:07:15

me: if a bar of soap that weighs four ounces is “99.44% pure,” what the fuck is the other .02 ounces?
operator: no not that kind of information

2023-12-31 15:15:23

me: mermaids are obviously mammals so why don’t they have to come up for air?
aquarium director: get out of my office

2023-12-28 18:39:39

I’m not well liked. My friends really need to step up and do better

2023-12-20 17:41:44

I only tell people my secret meatball recipe on a knead to know basis

2023-12-19 14:21:58

everyone keeps telling me I need to meet new people but the staff at the maternity ward won’t let me in

2023-12-13 17:45:15

standing on principal: bad
standing on superintendent: worse

2023-11-27 20:16:09

the best way to make sure no supervillain ever plots to take over the world is to make sure the world is a place nobody would ever want to take over, so nice job, people

2023-11-19 22:32:48

it should bother you more than it does that analog clocks have three “hands,” and that the third hand is called the second hand. we all just let that happen

2023-11-06 21:34:02

“rodent” means “gnawing” because they have two incisors, like the w in “gnawing”

2023-10-27 15:51:39

ask yourself if anything is right for you

2023-09-13 14:36:03

nobody wants to buy a death trap because what the fuck do you feed a death once you catch it

2023-08-19 16:32:07

if you carve a pumpkin in September it’s called premature ejackolantern I will not be taking questions

2023-08-16 00:51:44

interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
me: actually, they’re all pretty awful

2023-08-05 23:18:22

“what is the point of your existence?” I say to my dog, who has not moved from his spot in six hours, from the bed I have not moved from in six hours

2023-08-03 13:43:59

looking up at the rafters: nice in a ski lodge, not as much in whitewater rapids

2023-07-29 12:35:38

her: I wonder how many times people have died in hot air balloons
me: well, not more than once

2023-07-18 11:07:30

when they say “the world is your oyster” do they mean smelly and slimy and gritty and almost impossible to get open and only good if you’re rich and live on a beach?

2023-07-16 15:02:31

“and they say romance is dead,” I whisper as I offer you the bigger half of the whopper

2023-07-11 13:08:45

me: *whispering* there’s no such thing as bad press
trainer: *lifting the bar off my neck* wrong

2023-07-07 19:59:54

teacher: what is the first person plural?
me: the first people
teacher: you know what, fuck you

2023-07-01 14:38:15

I categorically refuse to randomly make lists, to needlessly use adverbs, to stupidly split infinitives, and to unnecessarily use the oxford comma

2023-06-28 16:31:43

once I fix all the bugs, it’s over for you glitches

2023-06-27 13:26:19

shout out to all my attention-deficit friends, again

2023-06-04 23:57:45

coworker: there just aren’t enough hours in the day haha
me: you know adding hours to the day wouldn’t make it any longer, right?
coworker:
me: making the earth turn more slowly wouldn’t help you either
coworker:
me: what you mean is you’re dying too fast
coworker: not fast enough, apparently

2023-05-24 19:11:46

you guys know Canada isn’t real, right? It’s a stop-action claymation mockudrama by the director tim horton

2023-05-18 21:50:36

me: maybe genghis khan was a horder and a hoarder so he wouldn’t have to worry about whether he was spelling it right
history professor: that’s your phd thesis?

2023-05-15 23:23:08

her: *sadly* says here our neighbor died of natural causes
me: how many causes?
her:
me: so like he was crushed between a greenpeace truck and a world wildlife fund truck?
her: why couldn’t it have been you

2023-05-15 13:30:10

wish there was a phrase for when you’re saving up a bunch of squirrels in case you need them later

2023-05-09 14:33:06

[date]
her: I’m a grammarian
me: congratulations! boy or girl?

2023-05-04 23:58:24

I once said “I won’t make that mistake again,” but I won’t make that mistake again

2023-03-30 20:46:34

what doesn’t kill you probably wasn’t trying that hard

2023-03-28 13:53:50

if I had two nickels to rub together, I wouldn’t. that’s weird

2023-03-28 13:53:50

if I had two nickels to rub together, I wouldn’t. that’s weird

2023-03-26 14:04:59

[home depot]
yes hi I would like one home please

2023-03-24 23:21:54

my decision tree:
NO
|
|
|
|

2023-03-21 21:11:45

a pbs biopic called “Remembering John Bobbitt”

2023-03-06 00:14:15

judge: the court is in recess
me: *starting to run* I get the big swing!
bailiff: *chasing me* hey, no fair!

2023-03-06 00:14:15

judge: the court is in recess
me: *starting to run* I get the big swing!
bailiff: *chasing me* hey, no fair!

2023-03-03 01:08:54

cashier: is there anything else?
me: *looking around despondently* I really fucking hope so

2023-03-01 13:53:47

1993: I’m just gonna phone it in
2023: I would rather die slowly than phone anything in

2023-02-26 18:16:52

me: [doing standup] you guys want to hear a sad little joke?
from the back of the room: I’m hearing one right now!
me: *sobbing* you promised you’d stay in the car, dad

2023-02-08 01:30:43

when they say a marriage is between a man and a woman, I assume they mean alphabetically

2023-02-06 01:39:57

still can’t get over losing a spelling bee in seventh grade. that little fucker was worth millions

2023-02-01 16:26:32

teacher: what does “agnostic” mean?
me: I don’t know
teacher: correct! how about “ambivalent”?
me: *shrug*
teacher: yes! how about “nihilistic”?
me: what difference does any of this make?
teacher: amazing

2023-01-18 12:58:43

fun fact: you can’t have your cake and eat it too, but you CAN halve your cake and eat it two

2023-01-10 12:02:12

[bar]
me: can I buy you a drink?
her: I have a boyfriend
me: bartender, bring us two more boyfriends

2023-01-09 21:34:09

seems like whoever came up with the phrase “out like a light” was unaware of the most interesting feature of lights

2023-01-03 16:56:06

guy mistakenly named my guardian by the court: I’m not dad, I’m misappointed

2023-01-03 13:24:30

coworker: how are you mike
me: I think it was my mom’s idea

2022-12-31 21:49:15

[bookstore]
customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is?
me: you are not off to a good start

2022-12-27 12:44:22

boss: I’d like to see you in my office
me: great, when can you move out?

2022-12-22 17:46:08

Me: we should try tantrum sex
Her: you mean “tantric”?
Me: *stomping foot* NO

2022-12-22 15:04:22

me: well, life is short
my criminal defense client: are you actually a lawyer

2022-12-21 18:21:50

“Funny story,” I say over the sound of cackling coming from the attic. But I can see in their eyes that I will not be selling this house today

2022-12-21 13:47:38

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

2022-12-21 13:39:15

[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

2022-12-21 13:38:11

Me: I’m returning this ice “cube” tray. It makes cuboids
Cashier: you’re . . . cuboids?
Me: yes, rectangular parallelepipeds. Trapezoidal, really. clearly not functioning as advertised. how is this confusing
Cashier: you know what I was gonna quit today anyway

2022-12-21 13:37:05

her: my uncle needs a criminal lawyer
me: I think an innocent one would be better

2022-12-21 13:33:45

if you’ve got a flat and you need a lift, are you a stranded American or a lazy Brit?

2022-12-20 13:06:38

Yoda: marijuana?
Yoda’s girlfriend: oh my god yes! It’s gonna be such an amazing wedding—
Yoda: *long drag* fucked up I have

2022-12-18 20:46:49

waiter: what would you like?
date: I’ll have a ravioli
me: I’ll also have some ravioli
waiter: two raviolis then?
me: no I want like 15
waiter:
date:
me: at least

2022-12-18 20:46:49

waiter: what would you like?
date: I’ll have a ravioli
me: I’ll also have some ravioli
waiter: two raviolis then?
me: no I want like 15
waiter:
date:
me: at least