James

Kinda crazy that artificial intelligence needs the entire output of a nuclear reactor but actual intelligence can run on Twix bars and cocaine, for example.

2024-05-02 00:08:03

My dad caught me eating hotdogs when I was a little kid. He sat me down with a whole pack of and made me eat them all, back to back. That’s the day I quit cold turkey and started eating hotdogs exclusively.

2024-05-01 19:30:05

I've long pondered whether deodorant could be applied directly to my nuts. Thankfully, marketing departments have at last provided a clear answer.

2024-05-01 16:39:22

#photography
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/366/816/879/913/081/original/9cb7d5c6833bb8d1.jpeg

2024-04-30 11:35:08

Here at Stanley we’re committed to developing the most ground breaking and innovative vessel technology known to man. Thats why we’re adding a straw and a handle.
[sells one billion cups]

2024-04-28 15:00:42

Geese strutting around being jerks like they don’t have an Achilles neck.

2024-04-28 00:33:36

- reply

@npub19fc…ay3c [sent from my Apple Vision Pro]

2024-04-28 00:29:03

Boost if you’re poopin rn

2024-04-27 14:38:15

What if all birds could speak English and liked to talk shit

2024-04-26 18:16:02

I propose that Earth’s prior intelligent life form evolved into cicadas. Their lifestyle is ingenious: sleep for 17 years, wake up, scream continuously, and participate in a massive orgy.

2024-04-22 20:13:58

After we’re done with intelligence can we make stupidity artificial too

2024-04-20 05:22:49

I don’t really want to have to determine what I’m going to eat for the rest of forever.

2024-04-18 19:04:33

Imagine being such a fuck up that your only option is to become the President of the United States.

2024-04-17 22:25:09

Everything being designed to extract as much value as possible makes life really annoying.

2024-04-16 22:53:22

I bet having boner problems isn’t that hard.

2024-04-15 23:00:04

Not to brag but I just set a defrost cycle on the microwave successfully.

2024-04-15 17:45:35

My buddies and I were having a drunken jam session and we all agreed we preferred strawberry.

2024-04-15 00:23:05

Obsolescence is hard for someone who’s entire pick up line repertoire is based on the floppy disk.

2024-04-14 23:02:51

Fetty Wap is short for Fettuccine Wet Ass Pasta.

2024-04-14 21:29:30

Have you ever talked shit about a person doing something harmless they enjoy? Try not to do that.

2024-04-14 20:48:15

Love is blind but it can hear and smell really well.

2024-04-12 17:47:38

Follow your dreams, unless your dreams involve a stationary object; in which case, just kinda hang out with your dreams.

2024-04-12 04:58:35

In the event of a tornado the safest place to be is somewhere without a tornado.

2024-04-12 02:41:51

Why don’t they call it lubrican

2024-04-12 00:40:56

#photography
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/255/464/414/665/871/original/0c08d2322e0ea4e8.jpeg

2024-04-11 16:03:41

Hopefully OJ can rest easy knowing his wife’s killer is finally dead.

2024-04-11 01:37:12

It's true. I haven't stopped eating pringles in 12 years. Everything else in life is just an intermission between pops.

2024-04-08 21:32:55

If you EVER ask me if I want a cookie and pull out a Fig Newton I swear to god

2024-04-08 16:54:24

Without a shadow of a doubt, this eclipse will finally prove the moon is real.

2024-04-08 15:42:24

Is it not a no brainer for Head and Shoulders to release a body wash called Knees and Toes?

2024-04-06 14:19:21

You can replace the first letter of the word aardvark with any letter and it still works.

2024-04-04 20:18:19

Really, the only difference between a noun and a pronoun is one of them gets paid.

2024-04-04 13:16:48

[me, flirting]
So, do you you like eating

2024-04-02 23:13:13

I’ve started a campaign to make napping a competitive sport. The criteria are simple: duration, creativity of location, and ability to sleep under pressure.

2024-03-27 19:36:25

I will die on this hill.
[volcano erupts]

2024-03-26 18:20:55

Generalizations are always bad.

2024-03-25 23:33:02

Unlock the mystery of someone’s first name by the complex act of paying attention.

2024-03-21 17:56:29

Want people to notice you at work? Wear a high viz vest and hard hat.

2024-03-19 17:11:43

Michael Jackson’s Beat It playing in the waiting room of this sperm donation clinic.

2024-03-18 22:37:27

I’m so much funnier than I let on.

2024-03-18 12:46:31

A group of 737s is referred to as a “negligence”.

2024-03-12 11:26:37

If dolphins are so smart why don’t we see evidence of them inventing anything of mass destruction?

2024-03-11 23:45:45

Might buy a Stanley and drink soup out of it.

2024-03-04 00:07:43

For legal reasons, whenever a musical artist says “baby” they are referring to a specific baby in Florida.

2024-03-01 13:03:33

Those super macho manly men you heard about in history class? All dead.

2024-03-01 00:24:59

- reply

@npub1mmf…eknq @npub1u3h…nu4y I need coins now, but painted!!

2024-02-29 23:02:00

Hello. I am stupid. Please try to sell me commemorative coins.

2024-02-29 22:19:10

I’m a man of my word and today that word is “unreliable”.

2024-02-29 16:39:26

People out here carbon dating inanimate objects like they even care about romance.

2024-02-26 23:29:42

One way to tell if someone is done speaking and wants you to respond is when they wave their hand in front of your face.

2024-02-23 01:01:57

How is it not exhausting to hate so much?

2024-02-16 23:25:57

Sadly some of the things that make me happy make me fat which makes me sad.

2024-02-15 22:57:50

The most direct path to disappointment is trying to be an optimist.

2024-02-14 20:58:32

To me, the best part about Valentine’s Day are all the boobs I get in my DMs.

2024-02-14 18:32:26

Nothin puts me in the mood to buy stuff at the grocery store more than a sick keytar solo.

2024-02-14 16:04:30

Completely understandably, I’ve found that power companies seem to be quite threatened by the sun.

2024-02-12 20:30:43

After extensive self reflection I’ve decided that over-analysis is my specialty.

2024-02-12 12:31:46

Fight for what you believe in, especially if what you believe in is Pacifism.

2024-02-05 00:55:55

When life gives you lemons it’s okay to throw them into an active volcano if you want

2024-02-03 02:09:08

The “one two punch” means something completely different when you’re incontinent and disoriented.

2024-01-28 18:24:54

With a little effort, almost anyone can not be an asshole.

2024-01-20 21:08:45

Paper towel math is made up. There’s no way 8 rolls is equal to 24 rolls.

2024-01-19 18:28:37

I stand by my assertion that the guy who named the ball peen hammer knew what he was doing.

2024-01-19 03:45:57

Imagine evolving the most advanced intelligence for thousands of lightyears and then using it to stand in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store.

2024-01-17 00:42:15

- reply

@npub19fc…ay3c
People who are hoping for a civil war just want to be able to murder their neighbors for having different beliefs.

2024-01-16 21:49:29

30,000 gallons.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/111/767/831/345/798/860/original/937734a6d635d991.jpeg

2024-01-16 15:56:01

He got that dog in him. Because he was hungry. It was a chili dog.

2024-01-15 01:03:11

There’s only one person that can limit the size of a personal pizza.

2024-01-12 13:19:15

#photography
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/111/743/175/968/274/626/original/2ece3417aaad7f48.jpeg

2024-01-11 23:45:35

My love language is literally anything.

2024-01-11 17:12:10

Convention is important, that’s why I don’t understand why camper vans aren’t called maxivans.

2024-01-11 16:43:43

Your email found me and I’ve got bad news.

2024-01-11 11:18:59

What if babies that came out upside down just had to stay like that

2024-01-10 12:40:57

Self driving cars? You mean trains?

2024-01-07 04:00:27

Something I can actually recommend is sleeping as much as possible.

2024-01-03 13:30:12

Border crises seem to consistently coincide with election years.

2024-01-01 15:41:23

Welcome to life! You are special! Please take a number and get to work.

2023-12-29 19:41:54

Ferrets are essentially animated tube socks.

2023-12-28 21:20:12

Are you living a life where everything seems perfect, leaving you nothing to complain about? Craving a bit of drama?
For a minimal fee, I’ll be your personal complainer, ready to talk shit and add that missing spice to your too-perfect existence!

2023-12-26 22:05:46

No industry has more breakthroughs than demolition.

2023-12-25 05:10:44

Kinda surprised Santa doesn’t get shot in one of the southern states.

2023-12-23 22:26:42

Sometimes you just need some beer or weed or a fake passport and a new identity to make life bearable.