Frank Whitehouse

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
'But that means...'
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

2023-12-11 15:32:34

[Blind Date]
Batman, looking up: "Damn! The city needs me! I have to leave"
Date: "That isn't the bat signal"
Batman: "..."
Date: "You're just doing shadow puppets on the wall with your hands"

2023-11-27 15:55:46

Any time you say goodbye to someone it's important to tell them to "take care." Because otherwise they'll probably forget to do that.

2023-11-22 14:38:24

Eulogies are basically goth stand-up.

2023-10-23 10:43:03

You want me to invent a word to describe the period in someone’s life before they become a mailman?!
That's preposterous

2023-08-20 12:12:07

It sounds like I'm the only person at this funeral who remembered to bring their kazoo.

2023-08-19 15:21:41

Always use a fish knife when cutting fish, a tomato knife when cutting tomatoes, and a Swiss Army knife when cutting a member of the Swiss Army.

2023-08-11 16:54:28

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

2023-08-09 02:10:15

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

2023-08-06 22:51:46

[In football huddle]
"What do you guys think happens when we die?"

2023-08-05 15:28:08

Listen, I wasn't going to say anything. But your baby is really terrible at kick-boxing.

2023-07-19 21:49:58

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they'd be only 11.5 inches tall?

2023-06-26 17:57:18

I feel like some of the mystery has gone from my marriage:
Today, after years of skirting the issue, my wife finally told me where she buried Jimmy Hoffa

2023-05-15 12:10:22

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

2023-03-17 12:09:35

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

2023-01-09 13:52:48

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.