Edmonds_Scanner

Edmonds Scanner is as strong as a bear that is as strong as two bears.

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Edmonds_Scanner_at_universeodon.com@mostr.pub

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Last Notes

2024-09-10 02:53:11

Never give up.
Somewhere over the rainbow, there's another even more awesome rainbow.
Underneath is the largest library you've ever seen, and they also serve cocktails and savory snacks.
We'll meet there in time, whenever you're ready.

2024-09-09 22:03:26

The forest has fangs & claws so you should too.
The forest has antlers & quills so you should too.
The forest has strange smells & sounds so you should too.
The forest never sleeps, but I can't legally recommend that advice.

2024-09-06 19:05:56

Traffic update:
No matter which route you take to work, you'll still wish you were strolling through a field of wildflowers with an enchanted dagger and an ancient map showing the nearest secret entrance to the faerie realm.

2024-09-05 18:46:33

Don't put off until tomorrow what you could do today, like wrapping yourself in moss, growing out your antlers & fangs, disappearing into the misty woods, and becoming the reason people fear the unknown.

2024-09-05 02:47:45

Is your head filled with dread and your heart with worry?
Respond like the old ones.
Drink mulled wine, hide inside your mossy haunted cottage in the misty forest, and blame goblins for your problems.

2024-09-04 22:02:21

Today's a good day to practice self care.
- close your eyes
- take a deep breath
- wander the trackless moors at midnight and follow ancient ghosts to the crumbling ruins of forgotten kings
- have some tea with your new ghost friends

2024-09-04 18:47:02

Today is a good day for self care.
Build a fort of pillows & books, retreat inside with tea & snacks, and only re-emerge to witness the collision of the Andromeda & Milky Way galaxies in 4 billion years.

2024-09-03 02:40:55

Sometimes you need to scream into the void.
If that doesn't work, you could also punch the sea, insult the reading level of your local squirrels, or mutter dark incantations into your soup bowl.

2024-09-02 19:26:59

Always be your true self as you move through the world.
If you leave a trail of crumbling manor houses, haunted castles, and shipwreck filled seas in your wake, so be it.

2024-09-01 03:04:19

In this house, we believe:
- love is love
- science is real
- darkness is beautiful
- mossy trees are sexy trees
- squirrels are tiny demons
- pants are always optional

2024-08-31 02:48:28

Some folks are early birds, and others are night owls.
Then there are those of us who creep through life on tattered wings, too tired to soar with the flock and instead looking for a quiet nook, strong tea, and a good book.

2024-08-30 19:05:23

Relaxation tips:
Imagine you're a duck floating on a tranquil pond.
Imagine you're a badger, snuffling about the old forest.
Imagine you're an ancient brooding moss beast, shambling about in the gloom.

2024-08-26 19:07:41

Stay in school, kids.
Hide there as long as you can.
Learn to take care of yourself.
Learn sword skills and the secret language of trees.
Learn about heartbreak, and what lives behind the darkness on the edge of town.

2024-08-25 02:38:03

We only have so much time in this world.
Don your bear skin and a crown of antlers.
Haunt the old forest and the ruins of forgotten kings.
Find your true self under a blanket of stars.

2024-08-24 19:16:29

You don't need to be great at everything.
Specialize instead.
Become an infamous collector of ancient goblin bones, or a reclusive writer known for their quick wit and dangerous fists.

2024-08-24 02:48:37

I wish you well.
May you someday find a ruined castle on a forgotten moor, and finally enjoy true rest in the crumbling library with the other tired spirits and lost souls.

2024-08-22 19:05:38

Things I wish for you:
That you always feel safe and warm, and that one day you'll have a badger best friend who will sit with you in a sunny meadow, drinking tea and telling stories of forgotten kingdoms and haunted forests.

2024-08-20 02:46:57

It's ok to prioritize your own health and look after your own needs.
It's ok to wear a tiara of ancient goblin bones.
It's ok to unfurl your great black wings and take flight across the wildlands and beneath the stars.

2024-08-18 19:42:00

It's ok to listen to the little voice in your head.
The one telling you to wear a necklace of ancient bones, ride a steam powered mechanical wolf, and share your graceful gloom with the world.

2024-08-18 02:45:58

Did you know?
Most economists agree that by the time you're 40, you should:
- own at least one magic sword
- get advice from an enchanted bear skull
- know the ancient language of the trees
- wander the earth as a creature of folklore and legend

2024-08-17 03:22:59

You belong among the wildflowers.
You belong among sun dappled meadows and sparkling lakes.
You belong among misty forests and mossy nooks.
You belong.

2024-08-16 20:25:07

Most economists agree that by the time you're 40, you should be living in a book filled cottage on the edge of the sea, and solving minor crimes in your village with the aid of a Victorian ghost cat.

2024-08-11 03:35:17

Frazzled by the hectic pace of modern life?
Have you thought about burying your phone, lying down amongst the moss & wildflowers, and letting the dust of the ages settle peacefully upon you?

2024-08-09 16:06:56

Your horoscope for today:
Be like antlers - help others become fierce and beautiful before you fall away and disappear in the forest.

2024-08-09 03:09:57

I don't know who needs to hear this, but the only one stopping you from drawing lost travelers into the old forest towards your mossy den made of the bones of lost travlers is you.

2024-08-06 19:01:36

Save your phone calls.
Save your emails.
If we don't receive your missive inside a hollow bone that is covered in Eldritch fire and delivered by a talking raven, don't bother.

2024-08-06 16:09:00

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a typewriter - old, clunky, and obsolete, yet still carrying a certain nostalgic charm.

2024-08-05 02:50:34

Parents, have you talked to your kids about the dangers of the old forest?
The seductive lure of a mossy nook or sun dappled meadow?
The siren song of hidden tombs, talking owls, and were-bears wrestling in the moonlight?

2024-08-04 16:03:25

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a creepy old doll at an antique shoppe - enthralling to a select few, but terrifyingly haunted to most.

2024-08-02 16:05:08

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a spork - a brilliant combination of mundane things that is still somehow ignored by the wider world.

2024-08-01 19:19:34

Do something nice for yourself today.
Buy a croissant at the cafe, or unearth the bones of an ancient forest god and craft a beautiful but mildly cursed necklace.
You deserve it.

2024-07-28 02:30:04

You deserve happiness & nice things.
You deserve enchanted daggers & fine slacks.
You deserve to drink boozy milkshakes with the old forest gods at the abandoned drive-in movie theater off the highway. You know the one.

2024-07-27 18:58:49

Don't put off until tomorrow what you could do today.
Like baking some waffles, disappearing into the wildlands, and having a waffle party with the ancient forest gods.

2024-07-27 16:09:26

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a potato -
From plain, lumpy, and irregular beginnings, become warm, salty, and desired.

2024-07-26 19:05:08

Most economists agree that by age 40, you should:
- own at least one enchanted dagger
- know two hidden entrances to fairyland
- have a well developed set of antlers or bat wings, preferably both
- be covered by a thin layer of moss or fungi, your choice

2024-07-25 02:49:31

You have unlimited power inside. Harness it.
Harness the power of deep seated ennui & creaky bones.
Harness the power of useless pop culture knowledge & outdated dance moves.
Harness the power of your favorite Muppet, and share laughter in the darkness.

2024-07-23 18:37:12

Do something nice for yourself today.
Get a fancy coffee at the cafe, or make a cloak of moss and a crown of ancient bones, disappear into the old forest, and become the legend that fearful folk only dare whisper.

2024-07-23 16:03:16

Your horoscope for today:
Be like blueberry pancakes - fluffy, hot, and filled with a simple sweetness.

2024-07-22 20:12:53

You could be someone's beacon in the darkness.
A flickering candle in the attic of a haunted house on the moors, or witch-light in the old forest on a moonless night.

2024-07-20 22:03:15

The only true bathing is forest bathing.
Lie down in the moss between the roots of an ancient oak.
Let your hair, your fangs, and your antlers grow with wild abandon.
The forest accepts you as you are, and who you will become.

2024-07-20 16:05:48

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a nurse log in the old forest - give the next generation a helpful start while covered in moss and decaying beautifully.

2024-07-15 16:05:26

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a meatloaf - a simple pile of things squished together, and yet a great comfort to all.

2024-07-14 16:02:01

Your horoscope for today:
Be like an owl - stay calm, observe from the shadows, and wisely choose silence as the world screeches on around you.

2024-07-13 16:03:22

Your horoscope for today:
Be like Bigfoot - live wild and free, but creep back into the shadows if too closely observed.

2024-07-13 03:31:19

There's no time like the present to leave it all behind, live in a hollow tree, become a dark druid, and befriend the moss and owls.
They will not hurt you like the world does.
Except for the owl bites.
Those are quite painful.

2024-07-07 19:03:31

Ways to beat the heat:
- ice cube fights
- bear hug a frost giant
- see what's hidden at the bottom of a lake
- fill the back of an El Camino with soft serve and dive right in
- put popsicles in your pants

2024-07-06 22:36:53

Don't put off until tomorrow what you could do today.
Like fleeing the library detectives in a stolen speedboat, with the skull of Agatha Christie grinning madly on the seat by your side.

2024-07-06 19:01:25

There are many ways to improve your life.
Crafting a cursed amulet of ancient bones & river stones that also gives decent financial advice is one such way.

2024-07-06 02:32:35

Looking for a way to beat the heat? Follow these simple steps:
Enter the dark forest.
Lie down on the cool moss.
Become one with the stillness.
Let the plant slip in between the atoms of your body and intertwine, until you become one.
Rest, forever.

2024-07-05 18:46:48

Fun ways to beat the heat:
- swamp swimming
- ice cream pants
- marry a frost goblin
- take a balloon trip to the Mesosphere
- liquid nitrogen burrito
- cave rave

2024-07-04 22:32:59

Instead of explosions, why not share peace & quiet with your neighbors on independence day?
And boozy milkshakes.
That would be good too.

2024-06-28 16:06:08

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a dragon - an unstoppable force of nature who also loves sleeping, playing word games, and collecting shiny things.

2024-06-27 16:02:59

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a typewriter - old fashioned and clunky, but charming in its single minded simplicity.

2024-06-22 19:07:47

It's never too late to try something new.
It's never too late to learn sword skills.
It's never too late to wrap yourself in shadows and wild magic and become the terrifying creature that timid townsfolk whisper legends about in the dark.

2024-06-19 16:02:33

Your horoscope for today:
Be like a fallen tree in the forest - get some much needed rest and slowly start falling apart as you nurture the next generation.

2024-06-19 02:47:44

Things I wish for you:
That you always feel safe and warm, and that the ancient witch-lights will lead you safely through the forest and to a used bookstore that also sells spicy burritos and boozy milkshakes at reasonable prices.

2024-06-17 02:49:52

Most doctors agree on a simple plan for life:
- exercise daily
- drink plenty of water
- cultivate a healthy coat of moss
- grow out your antlers and fangs
- disappear into the wildlands and become a creature of myth and gloomy legend

2024-06-16 19:25:12

It's a beautiful day to relax.
It's a beautiful day to refresh yourself.
It's a beautiful day to disappear in the old forest and become one with the creatures that thrive in the shadows.

2024-06-15 19:01:14

Do something nice for yourself every day.
Buy a little chocolate treat, or search out and dig up the skull of an ancient badger druid and craft a slightly cursed soup bowl.

2024-06-13 19:07:16

You are not alone.
Even now, the moss ghouls are rising from their gloomy tombs in the old forest and are heading in your general direction.
Take comfort in that.

2024-06-10 19:06:03

Today's weather:
- partly cloudy
- normal temps
- existential dread will slowly creep in
- followed by late afternoon ennui
- cold winds will presage the arrival of ghost squirrels
- bring a light jacket

2024-06-09 03:37:12

I hope you have a wonderful evening.
I also hope you are visited by a kindly fox, who will guide you through the old forest and out into the meadow, which is glowing with night flowers and stars behind stars behind stars.

2024-06-07 16:28:05

Your horoscope for today:
Be like an ancient spell book - mysterious, powerful, and filled with wonderful charms and terrible curses.

2024-06-05 03:01:52

Be the change you want to see in the world.
If that involves becoming a dark druid or a twig witch and covering the land in a rich mossy gloom, so much the better.

2024-06-03 02:46:35

You can be anything you want.
Be the haunter of houses.
Be the noise in the attic of a gothic manor.
Be the reason villagers flee in terror across the misty moors under a new moon.
Be yourself.

2024-06-01 21:20:03

If at first you don't succeed, keep trying to lure lost travelers to your den of twigs and wildflowers in the old forest, where you can devour them at your leisure.

2024-06-01 19:23:18

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, do the moss ghouls and other loamy horrors still rise from their forgotten tombs and strip the marrow from its pulpy bones?
Short answer, yes.

2024-06-01 03:07:58

When life gets you down, books are always there.
Surround yourself with them.
Make a fort of books.
A castle.
Disappear between the pages and emerge into another world.
Stay in there and let the cosmos swirl on, forever.

2024-05-31 16:02:51

Your horoscope for today:
Be like the moon - a glowing cratered body with a heavy metal core.

2024-05-28 19:16:43

Good news!
The twig witch has decided NOT to turn you into a newt.
Bad news!
The dark druids are still debating, and their ideas are usually much worse.

2024-05-17 19:07:49

Follow your dreams, friends.
If you wish to become an author of mild esteem known primarily for erotic thrillers about moon ghosts, I know you can do it.
I believe in you.

2024-05-12 22:18:06

This Mother's Day, get her what she's always wanted; a besuited badger beau who will take her on boat rides at the lake, and show her the secret library hidden deep in the sun dappled forest.

2024-05-10 02:38:43

An ideal partner is someone who makes you feel safe & loved.
Someone who wears rumpled suits, carries a bag full of books & daggers, and knows the right words to summon the old gods from their forest tombs.

2024-05-07 16:04:39

Wake up every day with a plan.
If that includes lurching through the old forest covered in moss, wildflowers, malice, and gloom, so be it.

2024-05-02 19:07:44

My advice?
Embrace the Muppet lifestyle.
Tell bad jokes. Sing off key. Dance for no reason.
And most importantly, pants are always optional.

2024-04-30 19:02:44

Don't hide your light from the world.
Use it to draw lost travelers deeper into the forest and towards your cozy cottage made of the bones of lost travelers.

2024-04-30 03:03:14

Whether you wish to explore haunted castles or become a ghost yourself, just know that there is always a place for you in the secret libraries, hidden hallways, and living darkness of the catacombs.

2024-04-29 19:07:23

There are wolves inside of you, fierce and wild.
There's also a sleepy chipmunk, an older badger that loves musical theatre, and one little hedgehog with a cheese hangover.

2024-04-28 19:37:50

There's no such thing as owning too many books.
There is such a thing as owning too much other furniture that blocks the space for more bookshelves, however.

2024-04-28 16:01:16

Never give up.
If you wish to become a quirky ghost at your local library, one who dishes out book recommendations and terror in equal measure, I know you can do it.
I believe in you.

2024-04-28 03:02:09

Night time is the right time for wine and relaxation, or for becoming the creature that makes folks afraid to venture into the catacombs.

2024-04-27 19:17:40

You never know what anyone else is going through in life.
The person who cut you off in traffic might be on the run from ghost sharks, for example.

2024-04-26 16:01:45

My advice:
- be kind
- commit mundane crimes
- read banned books
- learn dark magic, just a little
- become moss, if you are able
- return your atoms to the stars, when you are ready

2024-04-24 03:05:22

It's never too late to try something new.
It's never too late to sharpen your fangs.
It's never too late to festoon your antlers with wildflowers.
It's never too late to let the world see your gloomy beauty & dark charms.

2024-04-22 19:06:54

You may feel lonely in this world, but you're not alone.
Even now, the dark druids are thinking of you and deciding which malevolent oak to feed your bones to in honor of Earth Day.
Take comfort in that.

2024-04-22 16:01:40

This Earth Day, enjoy the natural beauty all around you.
The shiny fangs of the moss goblins, the sharp antlers of the bog beasts, the grasping claws of the forest ghouls as they wrap around your ankles.

2024-04-21 19:23:08

Community alert!
The school playground has been taken over by a raccoon warlord and her badger bodyguards.
Yes, again.

2024-04-20 02:48:10

Always be your true self.
If the timid townsfolk hide behind closed doors as you float past in a misty gloom of your own making, so be it.

2024-04-16 18:36:45

It's ok to prioritize your own health.
It's ok to bare your fangs & claws.
It's ok to disappear into the woods once in a while.
It's ok to realize you belong where the wild things are.

2024-04-11 02:31:52

Sure, fireflies are pretty cool.
But you haven't lived until you've gazed upon the magnificent firegoats, flitting about the forest, wrapped in the green glow of ancient hellfire.

2024-04-09 03:02:36

Always be true to yourself.
If that means the timid townsfolk whisper stories about your unearthly beauty and terrible darkness as you float past, bristling with daggers and malice, so be it.

2024-04-03 19:31:29

We all need more exercise.
But it's important to find one that fits your interests and experiences.
Like fleeing across the misty moors in a fabulous gown from a haunted gothic manor that's filled with dark secrets & ancient malice.

2024-03-30 03:19:20

Most economists agree that by age 40 you should:
- put 20% of each paycheck in savings
- own at least one enchanted dagger
- disappear into the fog once a month
- volunteer with your local coven of dark druids and help in their attempt to re-moss the world

2024-03-29 19:01:55

Your horoscope for today:
Don't burn the candle at both ends.
Invest in energy efficient lighting and save your candle money for boozy milkshakes.

2024-03-28 02:48:25

It's ok to look after yourself.
It's ok to show the world your fangs.
It's ok to wear a crown of goblin bones to your nephew's birthday party.
It's ok to disappear into the fog for 1,000 years and become a new legend of the wildlands.

2024-03-27 16:07:05

We only have so much time in this world.
Why are we scrolling through our phones when we should be sifting through twigs, stones, & old bones, and casting dark spells to re-moss the world.

2024-03-26 03:01:30

Not all who wander are lost.
Some of us are simply searching for used bookstores, dark taverns, and misty forests, preferably free from ill tempered ducks.

2024-03-25 16:03:47

Gardening tips:
- plant more black roses
- give your garden gnomes a living wage
- plant even more black roses
- bury inscribed bones as a ghost fence
- invest in a reliable squirrel catapult

2024-03-21 19:07:51

If you're feeling lonely or feeling small, take a walk on a twisting path into the woods.
The ancient forest spirits will accept you.
And even if they don't, the undead swamp knights are always looking to party.

2024-03-15 18:53:32

You deserve happiness and nice things.
You deserve the finest moss cloaks, enchanted swords that give occasionally helpful financial advice, and boozy milkshakes that would make the old gods blush.