Witchy Woman 🐱🐾🐾

🎵 Stand in the way of love and we will smoke them all 🎵

Prince is my muse

Likes: cats, dinosaurs, rocks, books

Dislikes: dogs and MAGAts

US

My toots: https://justmytoots.com/dreamthievin@mstdn.party

Public Key

npub19mp4fshcnfvydacwy85h6u9lsusstcnq0yragq32nnwp0zgd3m6qjslep3

NIP-05 Address

dreamthievin_at_mstdn.party@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqszas65ctuf5kzx7u8zr6tawzlcwgg9ufs8jp75qg4fehqh3yxcaaql66r7e

Author Public Key

npub19mp4fshcnfvydacwy85h6u9lsusstcnq0yragq32nnwp0zgd3m6qjslep3

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Last Notes

2024-01-15 15:46:58

People complain about gaps in restroom doors but when no one's seen you naked in 3 yrs, the guys at the truck stop sure make a girl feel sexy

2024-01-03 14:18:27

A kitchen timer that plays porno music when the pizza man arrives

2024-01-01 00:01:00

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@npub1wl6…8zu5 💋💋

2023-12-31 23:53:32

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@npub1jcn…0xst happy and prosperous 2024!

2023-12-31 23:52:54

Happy 2024 everybody ☃️☃️🥳🥳🎉🎉🥂🥂

2023-12-20 20:08:41

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@npub18kh…v8r8 not Kermit! 🥺

2023-12-18 16:41:25

Fireman: Ma'am, how did the fire start?
Me: I doubled my cookie recipe.
Fireman:...
Me: So I started by setting the oven to 750°...duh.

2023-12-12 17:16:27

*stealthily removes onion ring from my finger and slips it into my pocket before winking at your tater tots*

2023-12-08 22:48:20

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@npub14vj…zx2q calories eaten in the dark, in the car, on holidays, and whatever spills into the bottom of the McDonald's bag don't count!

2023-12-07 20:52:41

An emoji for when you eat an entire family-size bag of chips then find out they're the low-fat kind, so it means you still have 8,000 calories to spend on cake

2023-12-07 01:07:51

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@npub1qzs…9002 tots and pears 🤷🏾‍♀️

2023-12-07 01:07:23

interior decorator: but the feng shui is supposed to make you happy
me: *crying on the floor* the couch is blocking the airflow of cookie scents from the kitchen

2023-11-30 16:11:10

Relationship status: saving time in the morning by picking outfits the night before and laying them neatly on the dresser.
For the cat.

2023-11-20 16:14:48

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@npub14pk…80yc I'd be interested in checking it out!

2023-11-19 21:27:25

I hate when people use my driveway to make a U-turn, making me think I'm about to have company...
Making me take my bra off for nothing.

2023-11-18 23:11:34

This is what my Amazon Kindle is recommending to me?😳😡
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/434/076/638/587/197/original/85c873d65d188172.jpg

2023-11-18 06:04:36

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@npub1nve…7hth @npub18lj…80hq and look at all these places - filmed on location over a period of 4 years
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/430/034/165/816/570/original/59f738f24480eea4.jpg

2023-11-17 23:09:30

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@npub18lj…80hq The Fall with Lee Pace. Beautiful cinematography, an adorable kid, and such an adventurous story

2023-11-17 21:16:07

I recently began discovered I have the power to make men fall in a weeping mass at my feet
All it took was pouring a bottle of olive oil all over the floor in aisle 7

2023-11-17 04:46:58

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@npub167p…dg8g @npub19qn…6760 @npub1r3p…dz2z "for non-candy reasons" 😂😂

2023-11-16 15:45:17

So sick of listening to my neighbors having loud sex.
Kneeling in the closet with my ear against the wall is so rough on my joints.

2023-11-16 00:30:42

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@npub1eeh…h0rz my bras are strictly for boobs.
(and ice cream Doritos pretzels mashed potatoes fried chicken Skittles 🤫🤫)

2023-11-15 16:10:20

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@npub19qn…6760 @npub1r3p…dz2z hopefully with a few more months of yoga I'll be able to just bend my head all the way down there and just snatch it out with my teefs
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/415/434/718/452/340/original/9442da9f7a96f05c.mp4

2023-11-15 16:08:01

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@npub1lmf…j3q3 this is so terrible 😠

2023-11-15 15:51:24

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@npub1jpe…zsux dog people are also like "my dog eats his own poo and also the turds in the litter box but I totally let him kiss me on the mouth 🥰🥰"

2023-11-15 15:38:21

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@npub1r3p…dz2z squishy lil guys 🤤

2023-11-15 15:37:13

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@npub16q6…eaqd but that's where I store my Doritos!

2023-11-15 14:45:11

It's not fair that only men's underwear has a front hole
I need a place to hold my Snickers when I ride the subway

2023-11-15 01:29:01

What brings you to AA?
Drinking bird: well it all starts when fluid inside my glass body condenses as liquid evaporates from my beak and cools, thereby making me top-heavy and forcing my head to dip back dow

2023-11-13 18:20:59

I'm so excited to spike the punch at the office Christmas party because I'm totally getting kissed under the cameltoe this year

2023-11-11 19:19:31

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@npub16md…s3kl always a pleasure 😁

2023-11-10 02:10:16

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@npub1knf…tu8j supposably that's more irri-mitating than when they forget to order me an expresso, but irregardless and for all intensive purposes I think I could handle it

2023-11-08 15:42:42

Getting to that age where I have to sleep in a bra so I don't wake up with deodorant on my nipples

2023-11-07 20:52:26

Documentary: the treadmill was originally created as a torture device
Me: *hasn't left the couch in 17 hours* that's exactly why I don't exercise

2023-11-07 20:49:39

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@npub1a9j…gdwp
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/371/234/622/625/327/original/c368467262948572.mp4

2023-11-07 20:48:57

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@npub16md…s3kl
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/371/231/896/339/182/original/a26c3ce0164c00d8.mp4

2023-11-07 14:18:57

{with hot new coworker at happy hour}
Him: Is this your first time coming here?
Me: Nah, I did twice when you ate that peanut off the floor

2023-11-03 20:36:30

Interviewer: your CV says you're just like Mandela.
Me: Yeah we both spent time in jail.
Interviewer:
Me: Black Friday 2017

2023-11-01 20:16:07

Niece just said generic glue tastes way better than Elmer's.
So proud of her bc it took me 3 years of kindergarten to figure that out.

2023-10-31 13:24:31

*Pulls meal out of freezer
*Turns oven on to 350
*Sees "can be microwaved" on package
*Turns oven off
*Goes to Taco Bell

2023-10-30 16:27:15

Don't half-ass your daddy issues, ladies.
Douse that body pillow in your 7th grade teacher's cologne and introduce it to your friends.

2023-10-27 17:33:36

{at med school interview}
Dr: MCAT?
Me: ...
Dr: ...
Me: ...
Dr: ...
Me: Ba duba dop.

2023-10-25 02:29:49

Oh yeah, kid? Well I'm rubber AND I'm glue.
I bounce this check and then I stick to the story that I didn't know I was overdrawn.

2023-10-24 15:47:49

Neighbor: oh cute kitty, what's his name?
Me: Ex
Neighbor: ...like Ecstasy?
Me: no, like he still wants to crawl in bed with me at night after I caught him having sex in the backyard with an ugly hairless

2023-10-23 14:15:32

I've had it with the man always bringing me down!
Probably a good time to cancel my pillow-of-the-month club membership.

2023-10-21 03:01:16

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@npub16q6…eaqd
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/270/774/261/093/173/original/9aff25a4e21bec2a.mp4

2023-10-20 16:26:57

Hell yeah I 69 - that's the number of times I'll attempt to pick up a Cheeto off the floor with my toes before just bending over to get it

2023-10-19 19:55:23

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@npub16md…s3kl
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/263/436/644/969/257/original/d1ee3d3b37ad75dd.mp4

2023-10-19 14:55:39

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@npub16q6…eaqd as long as there's extra ranch for dippin'!

2023-10-19 13:27:24

Let the pizza guy in.
Let him relax on your couch.
Let him name your firstborn.
You treat that pizza-bearing stranger like a king.

2023-10-18 17:02:54

*At Barnes & Noble returns desk
This 'Joy of Cooking' doesn't have any takeout menus

2023-10-18 03:31:46

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@npub1ajh…zh74 @npub1zra…fvet 🎵 ain't nothin' but a heartache🎵 ???

2023-10-18 03:27:01

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@npub1ppd…2w55 @npub1k7q…3lrw Is it a nun? The exorcist??

2023-10-18 03:20:32

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@npub17sc…zd9s all. the. cheese.

2023-10-18 03:19:22

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@npub13el…j4ef @npub1wl6…8zu5 STICKING STRAIGHT OUT LIKE A BIG POTATOEY PP 🤤

2023-10-17 14:41:03

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@npub12r0…efs9 bring cake

2023-10-17 14:38:04

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@npub12r0…efs9 or nacho cheese sauce, if you will 🥳

2023-10-17 14:37:20

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@npub1l98…3zgy butts, boobs - either way, if you see me a-snackin' and a-jigglin', don't ask me if you can have some! 😂

2023-10-17 13:09:52

Getting to that age where my cleavage no longer scores me free drinks but it can hold 3 containers of Pringles

2023-10-16 13:31:24

It's always been my dream to host a cooking show but Mom says sexually harassing the Domino's guy doesn't count

2023-10-13 19:09:33

I hate the stereotype that women are bad drivers.
I always use my turn signal when I blow past crossing guards and school buses.

2023-10-13 13:40:24

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@npub16md…s3kl
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/227/988/993/696/617/original/f690630168cfa5d6.mp4

2023-10-12 19:50:17

Well then maybe the museum gift shop should sell Gas-X if it expects everyone to walk around being all quiet
-me, at the end of our first date

2023-10-12 13:36:54

(poops but the toilet bowl is empty when I stand up)
*whispers* spooky dooky

2023-10-11 13:27:11

*eats my feelings*
Anxiety: needs a little more salt

2023-10-10 20:18:24

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@npub1jmc…yxq4 lucky! Every time I try to make one, the guy gets so distracted 🥺
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/212/565/890/657/434/original/31bbac1c0b7638d9.mp4

2023-10-10 20:17:34

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@npub10kt…34x4 absolutely not. It's what he gets for eating the rest of the Doritos 😤

2023-10-10 19:30:34

I've never made a sex tape but I did once super-glue a man to his own thigh

2023-10-09 14:35:37

I get it, couples who work at the same company.
I once pooed myself in second grade and I too enjoyed just sitting in the mess.

2023-10-08 23:47:21

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@npub1r3g…dvg5 that just gets me the day off from work so I can eat more burritos 🥰

2023-10-08 15:49:41

I sing because I'm happy.
I jump because I'm not wearing a bra.
And I don't have enough cash to pay for my burrito.

2023-10-05 14:08:55

Me: *whispers* I put pubes on it so we won't have to pay. 😁
Mom: You're supposed to do that to food, not at Build-A-Bear

2023-10-05 00:05:47

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@npub189n…satx
Never forget
https://files.mstdn.party/media_attachments/files/111/179/482/065/967/543/original/5838ef4e04b68e6f.jpg

2023-10-04 13:37:23

This dumbwaiter is large enough to fit 5 entire roast hams, or a human being, if you will
Realtor: why are you naked though

2023-10-03 16:45:03

Boy I know your feet must be tired because you've been running from me ever since I showed up on our first date in a wedding dress

2023-10-03 14:54:49

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@npub139l…9vsx oh I know this very well...bc I'm the one who trained him ☠️🔪🔪💪🏽

2023-10-02 19:14:13

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@npub1zpt…a8y3 just as long as he saves me some ribs 🤤🤤

2023-10-02 16:01:51

The cat left a necktie on the door
Don't know if he's in there with a girl cat or a baggie of catnip but I like to think I'm a cool mom

2023-09-28 15:35:46

Cheesecake so good I had to cross state lines to avoid criminal charges for what I did with the fork afterward

2023-09-28 10:35:08

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@npub16q6…eaqd ah but he did make sure my biscuits had plenty o' butter on 'em 😉

2023-09-27 15:18:44

*first time having sex with bf who's a waiter*
*waits till his mouth is full*
"Everything good?"

2023-09-27 15:16:40

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@npub1wl6…8zu5 😘😘😘

2023-09-26 14:29:47

HR's report on my behavior in the workplace is just a copy/paste from the Mayo Clinic's alcohol poisoning website.
Just so unprofessional.

2023-09-25 19:34:59

20s: stops buying bottled water, composts all scraps, rides public transit
30s: my reusable grocery bag is a plastic Walmart sack that I once scooped dirty kitty litter into

2023-09-24 20:45:16

Grandma reminisces about riding her bike on a cobblestone street behind a hardware store and suddenly we knew why she owned 37 wrenches

2023-09-22 14:21:57

Sometimes people find each other at the perfect moment in life.
Apparently it's right at the bottom of an escalator.

2023-09-21 20:21:28

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@npub19fc…ay3c it notes that many of the lowest-scoring areas are along the US-Mexican border; if this is about literacy in English, would this not be partially explained by the fact that many in this area don't speak/read/write it as a first language?

2023-09-19 20:31:01

Me: I really don't like hurting people
Reflection: lol wish I could say the same

2023-09-18 19:22:17

Him: you should prolly think about your relationship with food
Me: *installing dimmer switch in refrigerator* not in front of the cheesy potatoes

2023-09-18 14:26:51

Goldilocks: this porridge is too cold
Mama Bear: they're called overnight oats bitch

2023-09-17 16:34:24

A self-driving car but every time you get in with the groceries you just bought, it drives you to your mother-in-law's so she can tell you how you're supposed to cook everything

2023-09-15 16:57:29

When he hits you so hard on the bottom that ketchup splurts out of your mouth

2023-09-14 14:52:56

I need a glass of wine so big it comes with a lifeguard

2023-09-14 05:05:38

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@npub15jp…4unr I dream of people not needing to ping the entire group with "brb" every time they go to the bathroom 🥺

2023-09-13 17:29:04

Until the day mac & cheese grows on a bush, no, I don't want to go camping with you

2023-09-12 16:07:30

Sex is great, of course, but have you ever gone more than 6 minutes without a Teams notification while at work?

2023-09-11 14:14:50

Give me a break, ouija board.
I don't need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

2023-09-09 18:00:19

My Medic Alert bracelet just says "I did not have sexual relations with my browser history"

2023-09-08 15:14:26

Anatomically correct gingerbread people named after my co-workers.
Every day I bite off another body part.

2023-09-07 16:48:54

Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for watching "Chopped" contestants try to use the ice cream maker