Col

Midlands, UK. Humour and interesting stuff. My toots may not all be original. I follow views without necessarily endorsing them, and I unfollow most non followers. I block those who just want to argue or abuse. Ex Cop. LCFC.

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Last Notes

2025-03-17 15:38:10

Musk has announced an ambitious plan to send Tesla's Optimus humanoid to Mars by the end of 2026, on SpaceX’s massive Starship rocket. Optimus could capture insights from the planet while serving as a test-bed for future missions. After Optimus, Musk anticipates that human landings on Mars could commence as early as 2029. The Mars Starship stands nearly 124 m tall, the largest launch vehicle ever built. It is designed to be fully reusable, which is essential for long-term space missions.

2024-12-15 11:59:32

Madeleine Riffaud celebrated her 20th birthday in 1944 by capturing 80 Nazis, says Sam Roberts in The New York Times. The Resistance fighter and 3 comrades ambushed a supply train, they pelted it with grenades and fireworks, trapped the Germans in a tunnel. She had joined France’s resistance 4 years earlier, after a German officer kicked her to the floor. She died last month aged 100. When she was 19, she volunteered for a mission to kill a Nazi soldier in retaliation for a German massacre.

2024-11-18 16:35:46

Last week’s story about a moth infestation in a £32.5m Notting Hill house made me think of an old Barry Cryer joke, says Patrick Kidd in The Times. A husband arrives home early to find his wife in bed and a naked man in the bathroom clapping his hands. “I’m from the council, your wife reported moths,” explains the man in the bathroom. “You’re naked!” says the husband, whereupon the lover stops clapping, looks down in surprise and says: “The bastards...”

2024-11-16 08:28:46

The start of this month has been so utterly miserable. During the first 10 days of November, England enjoyed just 130 minutes of sunshine in total. Some places – such as Saint Helier in Jersey and Odiham in Hampshire – didn’t see the sun at all.

2024-11-15 12:57:08

Millions of red crabs have taken over Christmas Island in their annual migration, says The Independent. Every year when the island sees the wet season’s first rainfall, any time between October and January, crowds of the crustaceans emerge from the forests and swarm to the ocean where they breed. David Attenborough regards his footage of 120 million of the creatures spawning on the beach, shown in his 1990 series The Trials of Life, as one of his “greatest TV moments”.

2024-11-15 12:49:39

The fancy hotel chain Belmond has unveiled the 1st luxury sleeper train in England and Wales, says Tatler. The Britannic Explorer has 18 decadent bedrooms, a dining car with food prepared by award-winning chef Simon Rogan, a wellness suite, and an observation car, complete with a bar. The luxury locomotive has 3 and 6 night routes covering Cornwall, the Lake District, and Wales. Inevitably, it doesn’t come cheap: journeys start from £11,000 for a double cabin on a 3 night route.

2024-11-15 12:40:51

Brendan O’Neill in The Daily Telegraph says the latest Taliban brutal edict, who already insist that women should not be seen, is that they should no longer be heard either. The latest diktat from this “cruellest, most misogynist of governments” says that when women pray, they must ensure that no passers-by, including other women, hear their whispered words. The Taliban already demands women refrain from “reading, singing and even speaking” when outdoors.

2024-11-14 15:29:00

The NHS is using drones to deliver blood samples between London hospitals, says The Times. It takes just 2 minutes to fly the 1.4 miles between the rooftops of Guy’s Hospital and St Thomas’, rather than the 30 minutes it can take to drive through the capital’s congestion. The time is crucial as the samples are from patients at risk of bleeding out who are set to undergo surgery at Guy’s, and the specialist analysis equipment at St Thomas’ helps surgeons decide whether to go ahead.

2024-11-12 14:17:07

Trump has vowed to return a bust of Winston Churchill to the White House, says the Daily Mail. A gift to President Johnson in 1965, the bronze took pride of place in the Oval Office until 2009, when Obama replaced it with one of Martin Luther King Jr. Trump, a Churchill fan, immediately brought it back when he was elected in 2016, only for it to be removed 4 years later by Biden. Sources say bringing the bust back is “one of the first things he will do” on taking office, “as a mark of respect”.

2024-11-12 13:18:45

A new anti-smoking pill will be given to tens of thousands of adults in England on the NHS as part of a major government crackdown on the habit. The cheap daily tablet, varenicline, works by binding to receptors in the brain to stop people craving or enjoying nicotine.

2024-11-12 13:18:05

The Archbishop of Canterbury is facing mounting pressure to resign over his failure to report a prolific child abuser associated with the Church of England. Justin Welby was made aware in 2013 of allegations against John Smyth, a barrister who sexually abused as many as 130 boys and young men in the UK and Africa over almost five decades, but did not alert police.

2024-11-10 08:24:39

“Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.”
TS Eliot

2024-11-09 20:10:14

If you see me eating ice cream straight out of the tub, don't ask me how I'm doing.

2024-11-09 07:37:26

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
Dorothy Parker

2024-11-09 07:36:16

Every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Spring, Easter, Tuesday, Friday, the weekend, a birthday or something else!

2024-11-09 07:34:30

Police confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the 4th floor of the nightclub was not a bouncer.

2024-11-08 13:44:33

The latest headache for divorce lawyers is who gets the TikTok account, says The Wall Street Journal. For influencer couples who make a living showcasing their love life online, splitting up could mean losing out on a highly profitable “digital asset”. When both sides argue that the account should remain under their control, there’s no obvious way to divide it fairly. These TikTok logins have become so valuable that they’ve even started cropping up in prenups.

2024-11-08 13:36:46

Good Housekeeping has made a list of “micro-joys” for under £20, says Carol Midgley in The Times. But there are many small pleasures that are free. Like a “wexter” (someone who walks as they text) walk “into a bollard”. Or a night out you’re dreading cancelled. The sign on a sweet bowl at Halloween that read: “Take one and piss off.” Of course, there are also “micro-miseries”. Non-Americans who say “hey!” instead of “hello”, “reach out” instead of “email”, and “passed” instead of “died”.

2024-11-08 06:42:27

"It's not what you look at that matters. It's what you see."
Henry David Thoreau

2024-11-08 06:40:35

I was born before the Iron age.
I just walk around in creased clothes.

2024-11-07 19:30:15

The world’s 1st wooden satellite was launched into space this week, says The Guardian. Kyoto University who developed the launchable lumber expect the wood to burn up when the device re-enters the atmosphere, potentially providing a way to avoid generating metal space junk when a retired satellite returns to Earth. Each side of the spruce sputnik, named LignoSat, measures just 10cm. It should be ready to be released into orbit in about a month’s time.

2024-11-07 18:38:42

North Korean soldiers deployed to Russia are “gorging on pornography” after being given unfettered access to the internet for the first time, says the FT’s Gideon Rachman on X. As his colleague Edward Luce commented: “So they’re wankers twice over.”

2024-11-06 07:52:12

Wouldn't life be amazing if at the end of each day, it asked.
"Would you like to save todays changes?"

2024-11-01 07:52:31

There's a new dating site for older people. It's called "Carbon Dating."

2024-10-30 12:43:39

The 2024 Tree of the Year competition has been won by a 400-year-old oak in the Scottish Highlands. Skippinish Oak, named after the Scottish ceilidh band that discovered it in 2009, won 21% of the public vote, ahead of the Darwin Oak in Shrewsbury and Lincolnshire’s 1,000-year-old Bowthorpe Oak.

2024-10-30 07:44:22

I love how people leave voice messages when I don't answer their calls.
It's like they want to be ignored twice.

2024-10-29 13:37:34

The latest marketing trend in the US is “chaos packaging”, says The Wall Street Journal. You can get sunscreen in whipped cream cans, water in beer cans, and coffee in white, pharmacy-style boxes. An Italian gin called Engine comes in motor oil containers; Moschino’s Fresh Couture perfume is in a window-cleaner-style spray bottle. The theory is that items which cause some kind of “cognitive dissonance” are more likely to make customers notice the product. But it can be confusing. Really???

2024-10-28 07:00:21

Looking at graffiti on a bridge:-
Some people: "That's vandalism."
Other people: "That's art!"
Me: "How the heck did they get up there?"

2024-10-26 07:32:49

A pizzeria in Düsseldorf which has been busted for serving customers a side of cocaine. Food inspectors tipped off police after discovering the drug during a routine kitchen inspection. Investigators noticed that “Pizza No 40” was suspiciously popular, and discovered that each order came with a bag of charlie slipped under the pie.

2024-10-25 12:30:10

Elon Musk has had regular secret contact with Vladimir Putin about “personal topics, business and geopolitical tensions” since late 2022, says the Wall Street Journal. The news raises “potential national security concerns” for the US, given the importance of Musk’s SpaceX to military and intelligence programmes and his close relationship with Donald Trump.

2024-10-22 22:04:33

Putin asked a psychic, "How long will I live?"
Psychic said, "I know you'll die on a Ukrainian holiday."
Putin asks, "Which holiday?
Psychic smiled and said, "Whichever day you die, will be a Ukrainian holiday."

2024-10-22 12:43:42

Days before signing the US Constitution in 1787, George Washington and his pals racked up a bar tab at Philadelphia’s City Tavern worth the equivalent of $15,600 today, says Gastro Obscura. For 55 guests, the damage included 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, 12 bottles of whisky, seven large bowls of punch, eight bottles of cider, 22 bottles of porter and 12 bottles of beer. Talk about a more perfect union.

2024-10-22 07:24:31

100 years ago: Only the rich owned cars and the poor owned horses if they were lucky.
Now, only the rich have horses.

2024-10-21 18:01:41

Whenever I drop a small screw on the floor, 1% of the time it falls directly on the floor, easy to reach in plain sight. 99% of the time, it teleports to an alternate dimension and is never seen again.

2024-10-21 07:39:39

Every once in a while, someone amazing comes into your life.
Here I am! 😃

2024-10-18 15:52:44

The Monty Python team had a very simple writing process. “We would get together, read out what we’d written and if we made ourselves laugh then it was in the show,” Eric Idle tells Late Night with Seth Meyers. “And if it didn’t, we sold it to The Two Ronnies.”

2024-10-17 06:48:10

“Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?”
American lawyer Clarence Darrow

2024-10-17 06:45:48

Whoever came up with "Penny for your thoughts", sure knew how to coin a phrase.

2024-10-16 07:13:40

I don't have a fake social media personality. I am genuinely this ridiculous in real life!

2024-10-15 11:49:18

Nearly half the rubbish produced in UK homes is being incinerated to make electricity, in what scientists say is a “disaster for the climate”. BBC analysis shows that burning rubbish – which councils ramped up when the government hiked taxes on landfill 15 years ago – emits the same amount of greenhouse gases per unit of energy produced as coal power.

2024-10-14 14:38:01

Pillaging the Caribbean during the Golden Age of Piracy was extremely profitable, and like other pirates at that time, Blackbeard amassed a fortune. Although his time as a pirate lasted just over a year, he was extremely good at what he did, leading many to believe his fortune (in modern terms) was well into the tens or even hundreds of millions. After his death, nothing was found, and the practice of leaving a treasure map with an ‘X’ is just a myth. So where did all the loot go?

2024-10-13 07:12:50

I read somewhere that if you brush your teeth with the opposite hand you usually use, it helps you wake up in the morning. So I thought I'd give it a try.
I stabbed myself in the back of the throat. WIDE AWAKE now.

2024-10-13 07:11:36

I've just bought myself a Kazoo, because I was thinking maybe I'm not quite annoying enough.

2024-10-12 06:23:35

I've got 3 things to say to you:-
1- You can do it.
2- I believe in you.
3- Let me grab my camera first in case you don't do it.

2024-10-11 06:12:01

Someone really messed with my OCD when they wrote the top 3 things down:
1rd 2st 3nd

2024-10-11 06:10:50

He's been hired at the guillotine factory.
He'll beheading there tomorrow.

2024-10-10 05:39:05

“Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant – it tends to get worse.”
Molly Ivins

2024-10-10 05:38:06

He told the boss he wants to be paid what he's worth. He said "I'd like to pay you what you're worth but, there are minimum wage laws!"

2024-10-10 05:37:14

I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

2024-10-08 18:33:16

I sent a photo of myself to a lonely hearts club.
They sent it back stating that there isn't anyone that lonely.

2024-10-08 06:46:53

Being married means solving problems together.
Problems you wouldn't have, if you were single.

2024-10-07 12:41:18

Few shoppers will have failed to notice the “eye-watering” rise in olive oil prices, says Bloomberg. Criminals have spotted an opportunity. In July, Italian police seized 42 tons of fake extra virgin olive oil worth almost $1m, alongside 623 litres of chlorophyll, which was being added to low-grade oil, and 71 tons of something ominously referred to as an “oily substance”. In January, seed oil mixed with beta-carotene and chlorophyll was being passed off as extra virgin in 50 Rome restaurants.

2024-10-07 07:47:45

I understand about being a responsible adult.
But, every day?
Every single day? Really?
That seems a little excessive.

2024-10-04 06:40:15

They said jogging will add years to your life.
It works, I feel 10 years older already.

2024-10-03 06:51:22

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."
Aristotle