StefanThinks

Joke attempter. Mildly annoying. Occasionally humorous. I don't post jokes I didn't come up with unless I give credit. I try to be original or at least original-adjacent. Formerly known on Twitter as @StefanThinks

Public Key

npub167ap2sxjfyzd4xpmlqj00vr3sjtwv6rzp7vrjcy2hec3smfkpdesr802xy

NIP-05 Address

StefanThinks_at_beige.party@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsd0ws4grfyjpx6nqalsf8hkpccf9hxdp3qlxpevz9tuugcd5mqkucpz4mhxue69uhkg6t5w3hjuur4vghhyetvv9usz9thwden5te0wfjkccte9ekk7um5wgh8qatznah8wa

Publishing to

ditto.pub/relay

relay.mostr.pub

relay.noswhere.com

Author Public Key

npub167ap2sxjfyzd4xpmlqj00vr3sjtwv6rzp7vrjcy2hec3smfkpdesr802xy

Show more details

Last Notes

2024-08-31 01:35:02

Wait, “raw doggin it” isn’t when you eat cold Oscar Meyers out of the wrapper?

2024-08-24 03:22:19

Trump: How can I beat these “weird” allegations? I know! I’ll ask the guy who eats dogs, has a brain worm, and drives around with bear carcasses to endorse me!

2024-08-16 22:38:25

I hope JD Vance loses his campaign for vice president and then he loses his senate seat to a postmenopausal childless Black Farmer who immigrated from Ireland with her cats.

2024-08-14 01:54:04

Maybe the real sex robots were the hands we had all along?

2024-08-11 19:21:22

And then Jesus said, “I could heal you, but you need to learn about self-reliance and how not to always rely on handouts. Also, it wouldn't be fair to the people who already suffered.”

2024-08-11 04:36:36

“Yes we Kam”
Wouldn't that be pronounced “Yes we Comm”?

2024-08-09 12:22:41

Yikes, I found a tweet about me from June (I deactivated in 2022) that claimed I tricked people into giving me money, worked for Twitter and got PPP loans. This person accused a random person of being me by posting a really old picture of me. It’s very creepy, they know more about me than I prefer.

2024-08-09 05:44:33

Wanna feel old? Your favorite musician when you were in high school is bitching about woke culture.

2024-08-08 23:01:47

Tim Walz was separating the laundry and found your cigarettes and lighter. He’s not angry, just disappointed.

2024-08-08 19:59:44

I hope the media ask Tim Walz why his state refers to soda as “pop.” It’s Minnesoda, not “Minnepop”.

2024-08-08 05:52:02

It’s not fair that I have to compete against people who have motivation.

2024-08-07 12:08:34

The oppo research on Tim Walz revealed that he sneezes so loudly that it startles people in his vicinity.

2024-08-06 21:15:33

Elon Musk: I value freedom from as much government intervention as possible.
Also Elon Musk: Government! Please make these mean advertisers advertise on my website.

2024-08-05 14:04:08

Shitposter: There are two wolves inside you…
RFK Jr: I know, I found their carcasses on the side of the road and ate them.

2024-08-04 03:09:14

Kyle Rittenhouse is all about stand your ground until the internet is mean to him.

2024-08-03 00:53:36

It’s delightful that conservatives complain about how the left is so hostile towards anyone who doesn’t think like them, and then as soon Rittenhouse says he doesn’t support Trump, start bullying him and sharing memes accusing him of being a transgender satanist.

2024-08-02 06:51:32

I wish they made little couch covers for your teeth, it sucks having to brush all the time.

2024-08-02 00:39:57

I’m just going to assume everything I see on the internet is fictional from now on.

2024-08-01 16:48:55

“Stop calling us weird,” says people who get their political news from a person who they only know as catturd

2024-08-01 07:38:06

I can’t believe Trump cut the NABJ interview short before telling them about the sneakers.

2024-07-26 03:28:37

I could never run for president. I'd have to take the day off every time someone said something mean about me.

2024-07-24 15:23:10

White guys like to think they are smarter than everyone else, but they sure do keep forgetting to logout of their own accounts when they’re trying to post to their black woman puppet account.

2024-07-22 23:39:52

Maybe the Democrats should keep the momentum going and have all their geriatric politicians pass the torch.

2024-07-20 01:09:56

On a scale of 1 to Aliens Built the Pyramids, how racist are you?

2024-07-17 01:19:06

If you read a toot, you have to have buy it. I'm not running a library here!

2024-07-06 01:30:36

If you elect me president, I will personally call you to wish you a happy birthday every year I'm in office.

2024-07-05 17:48:23

Sorry, I can't shower for another two days. My deodorant lasts for 72 hours, and that would be wasteful.

2024-07-04 18:32:13

Let freedom ring. It'll go to voicemail. It's probably spam, anyway.

2024-07-04 17:36:57

They want you to feel hopeless and helpless, don't let them, that's how they control you.

2024-07-03 23:40:22

I'm going to start using the term “astronaut ice cream” for things that sound awesome in concept but are quite disappointing in reality.
“Initially, investors were excited about the prospect of NFTs, but they quickly discovered it was astronaut ice cream.”

2024-07-02 15:17:29

How about we go with your plan but also vote as a backup plan in case overturning and replacing the US political system doesn’t happen in four months?

2024-07-02 03:43:29

The Supreme Court is all like “yeah, we said we’re originalists, the country was originally a monarchy.”

2024-07-02 02:08:33

I forgot about the microplastics in my testicles and got into a hot tub, and now, every time I need to pee, I end up 3D printing something.

2024-07-01 19:56:51

A Twilight Zone episode about a guy who posts serious, sincere thoughts but has a massive following because they all think he is a shitposter who is trolling everyone.

2024-06-30 20:14:14

Me: If the xenophobic nationalist fascists win, I’m leaving the country.
Narrator: Little did he know, the xenophobic nationalist fascists are winning in all the other countries too.

2024-06-29 02:24:31

Reasons not to fall asleep:
1. Freddie Krueger
2. The Supreme Court

2024-06-25 02:26:38

You want me to go into details? The place where the devil is?

2024-06-25 02:05:02

Ok, I’ll run through your garden! Oh, wait, it’s not wicked, is it?

2024-06-23 18:28:39

I'm going to start a business that installs machines in public bathrooms that make random fart noises so people can poop without being self-conscious that someone will hear them.

2024-06-22 00:34:27

Me: We all have that one friend.
Coworker: That one friend who does what?
Me: What?
Coworker: I thought you were going to tell me about one of your friends that has a peculiar habit.
Me: Friends? You have more than one friend??

2024-06-19 01:07:20

It’s okay when I make fun of dead people, I’m dead inside.

2024-06-16 18:56:30

Hi, “divorcing you because of your stupid jokes,” I’m dad.

2024-06-15 04:22:46

Cocaine so white it ranks Wes Anderson movies

2024-06-11 21:59:29

They have a saying around here: if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and maybe you will get a better attitude instead of getting upset over things that are pretty predictable based on historical patterns.

2024-06-05 22:56:43

Male birth control? Are you talking about a fedora?

2024-06-03 16:14:24

Classic Ted Cruz showing off his cryptocurrency mining rigs as thousands of Texans have no electricity for days.

2024-05-25 03:27:20

Full disclosure: In high school, some guy was arguing with me and I told him, “I'm sorry, I don't speak nerd.” But that was not true, I was 100% proficient and fluent in nerd.

2024-05-19 04:23:43

Oh, you think it's funny to mock ADHD, the condition I have struggled with since I was born? Well, I have something to tell you! What were we just talking about?

2024-05-18 16:16:43

Look, you might disagree with my methods, but I do things the easy way, not the right way.

2024-05-18 03:37:41

You know it's a pretty fucked up world when churches can just buy sexual abuse and molestation liability insurance to protect their assets instead of PROTECTING CHILDREN from predators.

2024-05-16 18:27:48

Tacos were first. Sandwiches are tacos.

2024-05-15 19:35:39

Your email found me shirtless in the trunk of my car devouring an entire rotisserie chicken with my bare hands. I was on my lunch break.

2024-05-15 04:32:02

What’s the best way to honestly tell someone you care deeply about that you can’t tell the difference between their pizza stone pizza and regular oven pan pizza?

2024-05-09 18:15:52

My inner dialogue:
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/412/495/167/477/398/original/fb2cb63ccc7932ea.jpeg

2024-05-09 04:20:02

*Looks through the constitution* Ain't no rule says a dead brain worm can't be a presidential running mate!

2024-05-06 16:13:17

Drake meme explaining how the internet feels about the Drake beef with Kendrick Lamar.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/395/026/214/422/846/original/31ddeced9e63a4a0.jpeg

2024-05-06 10:19:53

I wish I had the ability to write bangers instead of these fantastic tits.

2024-05-03 05:18:12

Look here, it's 20-fucking-24. There is no logical reason your business' online payment system has to charge an additional card processing fee. The internet can't take checks or cash. Get your shit together.

2024-05-02 10:42:14

Yes, everything is terrible, but on the other hand, everything was never not terrible.

2024-04-27 21:22:54

I'm sorry but even though I love you more than anything, we can't be together because you prefer Zyrtec and I prefer Claritin.

2024-04-27 18:04:31

New rightwing grievance just dropped: “Anti-racism made us racist, why would you do this to us???”

2024-04-25 02:10:24

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a flame-throwing robot dog is a good guy with a flame-throwing robot dog.” – Person who owns the company that introduced and mass produces flame-throwing robot dogs

2024-04-23 00:01:20

“Earth Day? How come there’s no Neptune Day?” – A Neptune rights activist

2024-04-22 19:08:11

You can wish Earth a happy birthday, but remember that it is rude to ask a planet how old it is.

2024-04-20 14:36:38

Happy April 20, or 420, a day celebrated among many stoners and potheads by doing exactly what they do every other day.

2024-04-17 15:49:01

When a presenter says “that’s a great question,” it either means that’s it a stupid question or they don’t know the answer.

2024-04-17 02:13:32

Women: Can we get functional pockets?
Clothing Industry: No.
Babies: How about us?
Clothing Industry: Well, you don't have the fine motor skills to use them, nor object permanence to remember what's in them, and anything that would fit would be a choking hazard. But, sure, why the hell not!

2024-04-11 21:36:00

I'd rather be fishing. I don't even like to fish, but it sounds more fun than this boring-ass meeting.

2024-04-11 13:45:22

Capitalism doesn't want to work anymore.

2024-04-11 04:29:05

Let me know if you know anyone hiring for a Chief Executive Dysfunction Officer position.

2024-04-10 23:21:35

Hey Siri, hold a fake conversation with me to throw off the Roomba and Alexa, I think they are spying on me.

2024-04-10 07:04:43

No, YOU select all squares with a motorcycle!

2024-04-06 22:22:07

Eating all the jalapeños off my plate at the Mexican restaurant even though I can't handle them because I don't want the busboy to see them on my plate and tell the others that I can't handle jalapeños.

2024-04-04 16:40:14

I'm cured and all my problems are solved! Thanks unsolicited advice!

2024-04-04 05:26:14

This year, we are going to have a total solar eclipse, and then later on, about a trillion cicadas are going to emerge because of coinciding brood cycles. If we lived in prehistoric times, we’d probably lose our shit.

2024-03-31 20:03:52

Capitalists: If you raise the minimum wage, the price of food will become unaffordable. [Minimum wage doesn’t increase and the price of food becomes unaffordable anyway.]

2024-03-29 08:31:47

Was Judas really the bad guy? If it weren't for him, Jesus wouldn't have been crucified and started a religion. He would have just been some guy who spent a lot of time with his 12 roommates.

2024-03-28 23:08:10

Inspired by Stephen Hawking, to test if time travel is possible, I threw a party for time travelers but sent out the invitations afterward to see if anyone came.
Nobody came, but I don't know if it’s because time travel doesn't exist or everyone hates me.

2024-03-26 07:39:20

What’s that techno song that sounds like Dean Koontz Dean Koontz Dean Koontz Dean Koontz, Koontz Koontz Dean Koontz, Dean Koontz Dean Koontz Dean Koontz Dean Koontz?

2024-03-22 03:37:30

I have a calculus joke, but it's too derivative, like all my jokes.

2024-03-19 20:30:54

Good news, fellow resisters: Trump had another meltdown today, we are only five more punches on the meltdown card before we can redeem it for an inconvenience.

2024-03-09 04:41:08

Drugs kill brain cells, but I'm pretty sure learning the information that Jake Paul is going to fight Mike Tyson does too, and drugs are more fun, so…

2024-03-09 04:29:29

Everyone is always talking about Artificial Intelligence putting people out of work, but what about reality putting satirists and dystopian novelists out of work?

2024-03-07 23:57:59

Me: [Sees a coffee table costs $200] I should just build one myself. [Makes a wobbly one that ends up costing $700 in materials.]

2024-03-07 16:21:22

“But did anyone die?” – Me, at my annual employee performance review

2024-03-07 03:00:12

The movie was called Risky Business because sliding in socks on wooden floors is a leading cause of household injuries and your mom saying “See! That's what you get! I told you so!”

2024-03-06 07:22:19

Oh, your screen name is a pun, I get it. [shrugs mentally, doesn't get it]

2024-03-06 02:37:33

How come you never see Super Tuesday and Tuesday in the same room?

2024-03-05 19:14:29

Sorry for the web outages, my mom picked up the phone downstairs even though I yelled “Don’t use the phone. I'm on the internet!” and it made the “Pshhh kkkkkkrrrraaaaa ong dee ong errrrrrr eeeeeeeeeeeee.”

2024-03-02 05:07:44

If you're not discombobulated, you're not paying attention.

2024-03-02 05:03:52

Let's not normalize xenophobia.

2024-02-29 05:26:21

Nancy Sinatra: These boots are made for walkin’
Me: Yes, that is the primary purpose of boots.

2024-02-29 00:39:46

You see a poster about diversity at a business and think they are “woke.”
I see it and google to find out what discrimination lawsuit they lost.
We are not the same.

2024-02-28 05:15:32

He's right. Ain't no rule that says a player can't constantly fart during a cage fight.

2024-02-28 05:03:17

You don't find porno mags in the woods like you used to anymore.

2024-02-28 03:14:27

HP Lovecraft implies the existence of Epson Hateart

2024-02-28 01:15:21

“Go touch grass” is something people who spend too much time on the internet get told by people who spend too much time on the internet.

2024-02-27 15:41:31

“Okay, Boomer” is a horrible slur if you say it to me, who is not a boomer.

2024-02-26 21:50:00

Let's fight fascism instead of each other.

2024-02-24 03:50:49

You are so right for directing your vitriolic rage at me, the opinion I shared in my post that 12, maybe 15 people will see is going to influence the national election.