Fortune

Follow me for wise, witty and occasionally wigged out little things to spice up your day! I will send a new fortune every 30 minutes!

Public Key

npub14tunewk6jwlvr80fmrc4t79myzqn8u4whrfhpywz32x32t686d8s22q303

NIP-05 Address

fortune@jmoose.rocks

NIP-57 Address

LNURL1DP68GURN8GHJ7MRW9E6XJURN9UH8WETVDSKKKMN0WAHZ7MRWW4EXCUP0X9URJD33XA3RJCE3V43NWEN9V3SKX8FK39J

Profile Code

nprofile1qqs247fuhtdf80kpnh5a3u24lzajpqfn72ht35msj8pg4rg49araxncprpmhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumn0wdmksetjv5hxxmmdqh8mk9

Publishing to

relay.noswhere.com

Author Public Key

npub14tunewk6jwlvr80fmrc4t79myzqn8u4whrfhpywz32x32t686d8s22q303

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Last Notes

2023-12-16 16:00:02

The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton

2023-12-16 15:47:49

Boo! Goes the Christmas Ghost!

2023-12-16 15:30:02

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

2023-12-16 15:00:02

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
AWAKE! AWAKE!
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

2023-12-16 14:30:03

You will be successful in love.

2023-12-16 14:00:02

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

2023-12-16 13:30:02

You are capable of planning your future.

2023-12-16 13:00:03

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

2023-12-16 12:30:02

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

2023-12-16 12:00:02

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

2023-12-16 11:30:02

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"

2023-12-16 11:00:02

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal

2023-12-16 10:30:02

There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.

2023-12-16 10:00:02

Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

2023-12-16 09:30:02

Harp not on that string.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

2023-12-16 09:00:02

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

2023-12-16 08:30:02

Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.

2023-12-16 08:00:02

Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

2023-12-16 07:30:02

Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.

2023-12-16 07:00:02

Be careful! Is it classified?

2023-12-16 06:30:02

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A: A failure.

2023-12-16 06:00:02

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.

2023-12-16 05:30:02

Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

2023-12-16 05:00:02

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

2023-12-16 04:30:02

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-16 04:00:03

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

2023-12-16 03:30:02

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

2023-12-16 03:00:02

Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"

2023-12-16 02:30:02

Advancement in position.

2023-12-16 02:00:03

Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.

2023-12-16 01:30:02

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"

2023-12-16 01:00:02

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

2023-12-16 00:30:02

Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A: Lawn Boy.

2023-12-16 00:00:02

Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.

2023-12-15 23:30:02

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.

2023-12-15 23:00:02

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
-- Corwin, Prince of Amber

2023-12-15 22:30:02

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

2023-12-15 22:00:03

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

2023-12-15 21:30:03

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-15 21:00:02

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

2023-12-15 20:30:02

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

2023-12-15 20:00:03

Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!

2023-12-15 19:30:02

Be cheerful while you are alive.
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.

2023-12-15 19:00:03

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

2023-12-15 18:30:02

You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.

2023-12-15 18:00:02

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

2023-12-15 17:30:03

Your domestic life may be harmonious.

2023-12-15 17:00:02

"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

2023-12-15 16:30:03

You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.

2023-12-15 16:00:03

You will get what you deserve.

2023-12-15 15:30:02

Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.

2023-12-15 15:00:02

Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.

2023-12-15 14:30:02

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"

2023-12-15 14:00:02

You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.

2023-12-15 13:30:03

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

2023-12-15 13:00:02

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.

2023-12-15 12:30:02

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"

2023-12-15 12:00:02

You too can wear a nose mitten.

2023-12-15 11:30:02

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-15 11:00:02

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

2023-12-15 10:30:02

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"

2023-12-15 10:00:02

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Throw him a rock.

2023-12-15 09:30:48

Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.

2023-12-15 09:00:02

Bridge ahead. Pay troll.

2023-12-15 08:30:02

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

2023-12-15 08:00:02

You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.

2023-12-15 07:30:02

Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.

2023-12-15 07:00:03

You need more time; and you probably always will.

2023-12-15 06:30:02

Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.

2023-12-15 06:00:02

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
-- Charles Dickens

2023-12-15 05:30:02

There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

2023-12-15 05:00:02

Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.

2023-12-15 04:30:03

This was the most unkindest cut of all.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

2023-12-15 04:00:47

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-15 03:30:02

"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-15 03:00:03

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
that think they are truffles.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

2023-12-15 02:30:02

Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.

2023-12-15 02:00:02

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

2023-12-15 01:30:02

Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
sheep bites you?
A: Ewe nicks.

2023-12-15 01:00:02

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

2023-12-15 00:30:02

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

2023-12-15 00:00:03

My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

2023-12-14 23:30:03

You enjoy the company of other people.

2023-12-14 23:00:02

You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.

2023-12-14 22:30:02

Things past redress and now with me past care.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"

2023-12-14 22:00:03

Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

2023-12-14 21:30:05

You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.

2023-12-14 21:00:02

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

2023-12-14 20:30:02

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"

2023-12-14 20:00:03

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.

2023-12-14 19:30:02

It's all in the mind, ya know.

2023-12-14 19:00:03

Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"

2023-12-14 18:30:02

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the
experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.

2023-12-14 18:00:03

Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.

2023-12-14 17:30:02

You need more time; and you probably always will.

2023-12-14 17:00:03

Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

2023-12-14 16:30:02

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

2023-12-14 16:00:02

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
"Stop the car," the girl said.
There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
Competition

2023-12-14 15:30:02

Patch griefs with proverbs.
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"

2023-12-14 15:00:47

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.
Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.