It was the awareness that if I could not break this pattern I would end up stuck in it for the rest of my life that finally gave me the impetus to get free. I’m two months into my new reality and the self awareness is returning. Initially all the old behaviours, thoughts and emotions remained. “Wherever you go there you are” and simply changing environment does not guarantee changes in yourself. As the saying goes, moving to a cave in the mountains will not make you a guru. However, there’s a higher chance of gaining self awareness if you do something radically different for a time, and self awareness when combined with new behaviours is the only way to create a new person. At this point I can get defensive. I defend my old patterns of destructive behaviour - my ego does not like to grow up. At points when my wife speaks truth to me about the pain I am causing myself and others I react and respond in the old ways. Like a snake shedding its skin or a hermit crab outgrowing its shell things get very uncomfortable, and I cling to the old. Move through this painful transition and suddenly the old is repulsive, dead, clinging like a scab over the shiny new skin beneath.
I want to let it go. Making it to this point of self awareness, being willing to face it, and then let it go takes time, introspection, honest conversation, and a completely new environment. At least this is the case for me. Too busy, too short, not a complete break, it doesn’t work. A holiday cannot provide me this, nor can a long weekend. The knowledge that I will shortly return to my life blocks me from facing the reality of what isn’t working. I’m too embedded. The only option is a full reset. In this case it was the desire for materialistic success that was holding me back. Clinging to my stuff and my old identity I became bound by it, by the belief that I must build up material goods and prove myself as a man to those who know me best. Letting go of it all was stressful, challenging and liberating. Now with only a bag of clothes, some basic tech, and my loved ones, the sense of self is returning. My nervous system has relaxed and I can see that what my family really need from me is my love, time, presence and support. I could not see this because I was stuck.
How many others are also stuck, chasing the things that make them unhappy, repeating the same behaviours, thoughts and emotional outbursts without the awareness to understand why it’s not working? How many people could do with a complete reset, a Jubilee, a fresh start? It’s not easy, and you have to sacrifice a lot in the short term to pull it off, but what you gain is priceless.
