Melancholic Mediocrity :v_bi: on Nostr: Disclaimer: No, I'm not a danger to myself or others. This is purely rumination - ...

Disclaimer: No, I'm not a danger to myself or others. This is purely rumination - corrosive, debilitating rumination. I encourage anyone who is enjoying a bright, sunny day to immediately click "hide" on the content warning.

I apologize to everyone for being such a Debbie Downer. I feel bad that a lot of you are probably hurt by reading this and I'm sorry.

It's time for one of my aimless, meandering info dumps. This was originally supposed to be another mutual aid begpost, but as I try to gather my thoughts about it, I'm overcome with a realization that makes me feel almost numb.

I could proffer another sob story but the crux of the matter is that this morning it became crystal clear that my partner and I are... a lost cause.

Several of you have donated small fortunes to keep us alive and sheltered over the past couple of years due to both our tendencies to struggle to maintain employment.

We've been staying in this motel, which -- on average has cost more than my entire monthly income -- for more than six months now. We've received far, far more than our fair share of mutual aid.

We've been too lazy to deal with the process of applying for financial assistance, dismissing it as overwhelming and futile given the current political climate.

We're too stubbornly atheistic/agnostic and.. well, drug-addled queers to go to religious charities.

We're too lazy and unstable to get any professional training. Hell.. the way things have been at work lately, I spend the vast majority of my days off just sleeping because I'm so worn out covering multiple roles. I just don't have the spoons to study. My partner's PTSD needs intensive therapy for him to pursue education or even employment.

We can't take care of ourselves. We seem incapable of conceiving a meal plan and sticking to it. We can't even afford to do laundry. (I think I'm going to have to research washing clothes in a bathtub, while we still have access to one, so I at least have some quasi-clean clothes for work over the next few days.)

I basically don't have a penny for tomorrow's motel bill; and of course my shift tomorrow is shorter, so I might not even have enough for Wednesday.

Bills and expenses are piling up. It would take half of my monthly income just to get us back on track but we'd be derailed by the costs of existing within matter of days.

What kind of grown adult gets themselves into this situation dozens of times over a period of *years* without devising some sort of way to avoid it?

How are we ever going to pull the funds together to ever get us back into a legit apartment lease? Which, ironically with the current skyrocketing apartment rates would only save us about $200-$300/month max and lock us into a contract full of bullshit.

Regardless, this.. just isn't sustainable. What if RFKJr is right? What if people like me really are just a drag on the economy and society? I don't have what it takes to function like a normal, contributing member of the community.

I'm so utterly emotionally and physically depleted. I'm so embarrassed knowing how much I've taken from the community.

My partner and I shouldn't be taking so much advantage of peoples' generosity. We haven't earned it. We haven't suffered for it - hell, we both come from considerable privilege in comparison to billions of other people on the planet.

I think it's time to consider pulling the plug. It's not fair to the small handful of people who have doled out thousands of dollars to sustain two strangers who -- despite officially middle-aged and rapidly closing in on those juicy senior discounts -- still can't seem to get their shit together.

I just.. as I think back over the crises after crises after crises that has necessitated community help for us, and how virtually all of them trace back to our serious lack of sound judgement, I think it's just throwing good money after bad.

We're in too far over our heads. We're drowning. Like.. needs this needs to be our "Breaking Bad" moment type of overwhelm, although ideally with something less socially-destructive than crystal meth.

But I also know we're both chickenshit white guys who've never even gotten on the "dark web" and haven't pursued a life of crime. I assume it's like athletics, where you have to start really young to develop enough expertise to really dominate. We're more like the guys on "Office Space" looking up 'money laundering' in the dictionary because they're too clueless.

Besides, my partner and I are both like Milton than the others on that movie anyway.

What is the point of this post? I'm not sure. I think I'm just screaming into the void, or maybe I'm mourning the loss of hope.

I'm so tired.

Despite my embracing the futility of continued existence, I'm going to very, very reluctantly include our funding links. Even if I'm ready to give up, I know it'll break his heart if we lose our motel room and have to once again scramble to pack up everything in a matter of a few hours.

So.. if anyone's still conscious this far into my manuscript, who is willing AND able to contribute to help me avoid stomping on my partner's dreams of continued, uninterrupted shelter, please consider the links below. ($0/$60)

Which -- let me be perfectly clear -- are only being included as a last-minute decision in order to avoid making my partner more sad.

Venmo: https://venmo.com/thegizmotwins
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$thegizmotwins
PP: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/gizmo1982
GFM: https://gofund.me/12171be3