Rosalín on Nostr: Imagine that every day you interact with the world, every person you speak to, even ...

Imagine that every day you interact with the world, every person you speak to, even in person, doesn't interact with you. Instead, everyone you meet engages with a real life avatar of your own making. Some people get the real you, but even that, is encased in a figurative avatar, so that it can be suppressed around unsafe people. But most people get a subpersona, with body language facial expressions, and even different tech to match. Pluralism is part of my memory suppression strategy. IE, hide a memory in the Alexi avatar so that Leah, the dutiful, well-behaved cult avatar, would never react to a memory stored in Alexi. Re-integration has meant tapping into memories stored in different avatars. Think of each avatar as having a subset of memories and a general default demeanor. IE, Alexi is intillectual, but Abby and Kristen specialize in small talk and networking respectively. Annelise is the avatar who went to college. College level critical thinking and fundamentalist sects do not mix very well, so Annelise's memory subset would never interact with Leah's. Cassie, named for one of my favorite cousins, is the info dumping avatar. She loves sharing accessibility and AI related gems.

Why pluralism as part of my memory suppression strategy? Because, when you are born into a fundamentalist sect which includes an isolating subculture, you realize from a young age that you must play dumb to survive within this system. Because the people who appear to know more are questioned. And the people who appear to know less are minimized, ignored, but most of all, people who play dumb are not pressured to do more and give more to what can feel like an isolated subculture.

So which preset carries my real, true thoughts and opinions? I named her Alexi, after a character in Rent and a girl I went to high school with. But, Alexi does not carry intense feelings or painful memories. True feelings and strong emotions are contained within the Leora avatar, named for a girl I met in college and adored. Childhood memories are stored in Caitlin, named to match Corona's name and also because my sister-cousin's daughter is named Caitlin. Painful memories are stored in the Emily avatar, named for a girl my mom used to have indoctrination chats with. Nala stores the memories which ground me as a whole person. Kelly-anne stores family memories, named for the southern comfort feeling I get when interacting with my chosen family.

If you ever feel like something I am writing doesn't match what you know of me, it may be because a given trend or pattern does not match with the plural entity/avatar you knew as Rose. IE, many of my Mastodon followers used to interact with Cassie. But Clark-dad and Julie, my online parents, interacted mainly with Alexi.

When communicating with others, I tap into all my memory presets these days. This can lead to strong feelings or emotions, but that's a natural part of the healing process.