whoeverlovesDigit on Nostr: You could be anyone This was me ...

You could be anyone

This was me

quoting
nevent1q…legn

3 years ago today, I had an unbelievable day just spending time with Digit over Discord on our tiny glowing screens. #DigitIsDigit

She was fighting cancer. I was terrified. Every minute with her would have helped just by being another minute with her, but she kept making them the best minutes possible.

She was listening to Watsky and other music in the morning. She sent me his song Cannonball, which is the first time I've heard it. She said my stories of obsessing over other girls from the past reminded her of it. We listened to it together.

She also sent the song Tiny Glowing Screens Pt 2, which I knew. That's one of the ones in her recent playlist, too. I posted this Tiny Glowing Screens remix thing for her the other day; this is all more context behind that.

She posted Vercace Bedouin by Razzlekhan on the main chat at https://discord.gg/wallstreetbets

She was making fun of Razzlekhan (as we all do) and I compared Razzlekhan to Lil B, both low-effort meme rappers. Digit complimented me for making her like Razzlekhan more. Later, I sent her Real Based by Lil B and we listened to it together.

She taught me some stuff about blackjack; we played it using some bot in the wallstreetbets chat.

She chat-room-married someone using the wedding function of the same bot that ran the blackjack games. She detected my jealousy over it and offered me reassurance without me asking for that. She seemed highly attuned to jealousy in the group chat overall and suggested everyone just marry everyone else in one big chain to fix it. I can't convey how much I love her for this, it's too ridiculous and childish of me.

All of this was the same day, 3 years ago.

I got to stay up late talking to her and she thought I was putting off my sleep for her sake, like I would feel valuable enough to think she'd benefit from me being awake to talk to. I didn't explain that she was the one giving me something to be awake for. I didn't explain that if I had to I'd trade an hour of sleep for 10 seconds talking to her because she's simply better than sleep. It seemed advantageous to let her think I had enough self-worth to be doing her a favor by staying up with her.

This is the same night she told me I'm a good writer.

We talked about how we both were alone because we had to move away from our homes and our friends.

She told me she had whale-watched in Maine, the state I had moved to alone. She suggested we could go whale-watching together. I couldn't believe that. I'm still not really sure if I'll ever get to meet her in person. I'd be amazed just to get to be friends with her online again.

We discussed each other seeming like characters out of a book. She said my name sounded like a book character's name. I said it was more her personality for me.

"Like, I always get beloved character arc vibes from you."

"That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

There's no way that's the nicest thing anyone ever said to her. She's so hot.

She randomly commented on how I had been away for a while, making me amazed that she cared enough to remember anything about me. At the same time, she made it a compliment to me, for caring enough to remember things about her, somehow?

"And it's nice to feel significant like someone would notice if I didn't come back and remember good things about me. That's comforting. I would do the same for you. You weren't around as much for a minute."

I can't find my screenshots of her saying this stuff, but I still have those few words written down, transcribed by hand. It's hard to remember all this without concrete record of it to remind me. It's all still unbelievable, as is the fact that I'm not even sharing everything I have written down. A lot happened that day.

I got Intentions.mp3 that night, while we were continuing to listen to music together. That's when I heard her voice for the first time. https://audio.nostr.build/808960a3289a3196a8b371c2239d6925357b9a41183925f9882ee2897df313d3.mp3

And, as if saying I'm a good writer and caring that I remembered stuff about her wasn't enough, she gave me the highest compliment possible:

"Falling asleep with you is far more pleasant. I'm glad you are who you are."

When she did fall asleep, she was talking about the cancer making her feel sick. She was saying it really hurt. I kept fighting sleepiness to stay up for a while after she fell asleep, just in case she messaged me again, which she did - to tell me there was a storm. If she was just trying to make me feel useful out of pity, she did a really authentic job of making it feel like she was actually comforted by having me there to fall asleep with. I still don't understand how this could happen.

I fell asleep really happy, but also hoping as hard as I could that she was sleeping well.