I had a REALLY hard day today.
May I talk about it?
Early in the day, I noticed myself feeling good; my coworkers and I were all working along in rhythm, so nice and smoothly, and for the first time I felt, “We’re a real team! I’m part of a team!”
And then I realized how pathetic and miserable my life is that I could feel SO HAPPY about something that is, ultimately, worthless.
& that sent me on a spiral, solidifying my belief that I should have died in NYC, when I was “successful”, or “on my way to being successful”, instead of outliving any gains I’d made. Each day is spelunking into the depths of the humiliating torture of failure.
Later, I heard an “OH NO!!”; a young woman with three children, old enough to know better. The second eldest had just opened a lid to a pint of blueberries and dumped them out on the floor. As I was sweeping them up, the elder child scooped up a heaping spoonful of cherry tomatoes from the heirloom tomato bar and flung it towards the ceiling. As I scrambled after cherry tomatoes and blueberries, I head another “OH NO!!”. The family had made their way to my fruit cutting station and one of the kids had opened and dumped out the contents of a deluxe fruit tray (they take a long time to make) all over the floor.
As I mopped up the fruit and spilled fruit juice, I saw that my future is just this: cleaning up after poorly supervised children, forever and ever. No hope or chance this will ever get any better.
This is it.
(I am not looking for advice or sympathy, I just wanted to share a snapshot of this day which felt so momentous - not in a good way - with you.)
There was a time that I was able to support myself just by BEING myself, and now it seems the only way I can make money is forcing myself into deeper and deeper states of disassociation.
Creative! Queer!! Autistic!!! /
npub1n8…prhun
2023-09-06 00:53:18
Author Public Key
npub1n82en35vxk5qxkm9mgxz7u9856vqu6js0gcmh4zhw65c2nkuj3wseprhunPublished at
2023-09-06 00:53:18Event JSON
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