I've had very frequent suicidal ideation for so long that I even have a scale for how much the ideation is a genuine risk, or how much it's simply idle or intrusive thoughts, so that I might have a chance of seeking help before reaching the very low points.
And to be honest, the best help that anyone has ever given me for that is a prescription for citalopram. Works way better than any advice.
But the fact remains that, for the foreseeable future, I'm considerably more likely to die by suicide than any other cause. This doesn't mean I'm about to do anything, so nobody worry please (on my 0-5 scale where 5 is an active attempt, I'm between 1 and 2, which is perfectly fine for me). I'm just being realistic.
I don't even *want* to die. As I've tried to explain to various medical professionals, it's not wanting to die that's the problem for me, it's feeling like I will *have to* die because living has become unviable. And that feeling exists because my life is shit.
Nobody ever seems to want to engage with that, although I'm sure it accounts for a substantial proportion of all deaths by suicide: not being able to keep living because life is just shit. There seems to be an assumption that it's always a chemical imbalance, and that someone with suicidal ideation is prevented by biological processes from seeing how great life really is.
I think we need to be more realistic about this, that some people who are extremely unhappy actually have a good reason for being extremely unhappy. And perhaps we can then look more at the practical things which cause extreme unhappiness. Perhaps, crazy idea, perhaps we could as a society aim for people to have better lives.
Honestly, I find it othering and isolating when advice so often tends to be "remember you are loved" or "I promise things will get better" or "life really is beautiful". Don't get me wrong, if those are helpful to some people, great.
But for me, and I'm sure many like me: you're just reminding me that I'm not loved, which is kind of a shitty thing; you have no right to promise that unless you have the means to effect it; and, no, life is shit.
(I would politely invite everyone who knows me even slightly to never, ever promise me that things will get better. That isn't fair. It isn't fair at all.)
RolloTreadway /
npub15n…nt9fk
2024-06-27 13:42:43
in reply to nevent1q…l6w6
Author Public Key
npub15n7gcq8qd5a5gtvth6k57lwrxy7hjvqq78nm2vw30zj6fqg2x4hq9nt9fkPublished at
2024-06-27 13:42:43Event JSON
{
"id": "d2e26a2735d1237bc1da152300a9c891c229d388b0bb35c7e8a7ec7f28db87e0",
"pubkey": "a4fc8c00e06d3b442d8bbead4f7dc3313d793000f1e7b531d178a5a4810a356e",
"created_at": 1719495763,
"kind": 1,
"tags": [
[
"e",
"b9dc03fca4f73b73f01f1683f282a6406a1737d99e676365cdf3a2db2c3ba4da",
"",
"root"
],
[
"p",
"28b9a59a862268c620d8078e1cc43a6bec41081b8e21ca7252619c5652f9c4c2"
],
[
"content-warning",
"Talking about suicidal ideation"
],
[
"proxy",
"https://beige.party/@RolloTreadway/112688874369791174",
"web"
],
[
"proxy",
"https://beige.party/users/RolloTreadway/statuses/112688874369791174",
"activitypub"
],
[
"L",
"pink.momostr"
],
[
"l",
"pink.momostr.activitypub:https://beige.party/users/RolloTreadway/statuses/112688874369791174",
"pink.momostr"
],
[
"expiration",
"1722087772"
]
],
"content": "I've had very frequent suicidal ideation for so long that I even have a scale for how much the ideation is a genuine risk, or how much it's simply idle or intrusive thoughts, so that I might have a chance of seeking help before reaching the very low points. \n\nAnd to be honest, the best help that anyone has ever given me for that is a prescription for citalopram. Works way better than any advice. \n\nBut the fact remains that, for the foreseeable future, I'm considerably more likely to die by suicide than any other cause. This doesn't mean I'm about to do anything, so nobody worry please (on my 0-5 scale where 5 is an active attempt, I'm between 1 and 2, which is perfectly fine for me). I'm just being realistic. \n\nI don't even *want* to die. As I've tried to explain to various medical professionals, it's not wanting to die that's the problem for me, it's feeling like I will *have to* die because living has become unviable. And that feeling exists because my life is shit. \n\nNobody ever seems to want to engage with that, although I'm sure it accounts for a substantial proportion of all deaths by suicide: not being able to keep living because life is just shit. There seems to be an assumption that it's always a chemical imbalance, and that someone with suicidal ideation is prevented by biological processes from seeing how great life really is. \n\nI think we need to be more realistic about this, that some people who are extremely unhappy actually have a good reason for being extremely unhappy. And perhaps we can then look more at the practical things which cause extreme unhappiness. Perhaps, crazy idea, perhaps we could as a society aim for people to have better lives. \n\nHonestly, I find it othering and isolating when advice so often tends to be \"remember you are loved\" or \"I promise things will get better\" or \"life really is beautiful\". Don't get me wrong, if those are helpful to some people, great. \n\nBut for me, and I'm sure many like me: you're just reminding me that I'm not loved, which is kind of a shitty thing; you have no right to promise that unless you have the means to effect it; and, no, life is shit. \n\n(I would politely invite everyone who knows me even slightly to never, ever promise me that things will get better. That isn't fair. It isn't fair at all.)",
"sig": "9840862a6ed5382b1e77fb0703e49cf6658a2386e42b1289f972e5c7b1f8c25f901d56dc1f243e31489de84d4216f17f7f3ad02ace2d932d626b12bd2e68fbda"
}