alanajoy on Nostr: I grew up in an abusive home, causing me to be placed in foster care and group homes ...

I grew up in an abusive home, causing me to be placed in foster care and group homes at various points of my childhood. From the earliest years I learned that I could not count on my mother, the system, or anyone else to save me.

I refused to stay in either environment until turning 18. I got legally emancipated as a teenager, which is not exactly easy or common. Looking back, I still have no idea where I got the strength to do this. I had zero self esteem and despite how smart I might have been I was still just a child. I just knew that I’d be destroyed if I didn’t seize control over my life. So I did.

I saved myself.

I never had the luxury as a girl to consider whether I wanted to be a traditional woman or a working woman. I’m truly not sure what path I’d have chosen for myself if not for my circumstances. I just did what I somehow instinctively knew I had to to survive.

Nothing has been handed to me, ever. I started off with so many disadvantages, yet never have I ever let them define me or limit my potential. There are so many things I experienced and saw that shaped me, some even misshaped me. At the same time this gave me a heightened awareness of certain truths that some people never awaken to.

I chose to be responsible for myself when I had no idea what that would even really mean. I worked harder for every step, weighted down by the burden of my situation. Over years, decades of time… I have worked to try to identify red flags in myself and others, because when you grow up surrounded by red flags as an adult they just look like… flags.

There are survival mechanisms I created to protect myself and get through what I endured that I’ve seen no longer serve me well as an adult. I really do my best to resolve those things, and I have truly seen myself grow profoundly over time. There are things I will always have to work on consciously too. Healing work can never undo trauma, but it can give you awareness and skills to overcome the symptoms of trauma. I still struggle with cptsd, mainly when in circumstances that parallel the abuse I experienced.

My circumstances also instilled in me inherent feelings of not being good enough, deserving, lovable. They’ve left me with a constant mellow sense of shame around things that were not even at all my fault. These insecurities cause me to show up as a naive people pleaser in situations where I'm emotionally vulnerable. It's an unfortunate truth that this desperation for being truly loved and accepted makes me an ideal target for exploitative people.

As an adult, there are so many ways my beginnings have made me a strong, direct, brassy person. There is also a very weak, vulnerable, pathetic side of me that is dumb as fuck about certain things.

All this said, it was my proven resilience that gave me the strength to be a mother on my own. I knew I would do anything and everything it took to raise her with all the love, protection, and validation I never had. From the day I found out I was pregnant there was never a question as to whether or not I would keep her or could do it on my own. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, and when I look at this incredible, whip smart and witty, friendly and curious, kind and loving child I know that for all my flaws and hangups… I'm doing an amazing job.

You never know someone's story until you really know them. I've taken things that break people, statistically, and turned them (mostly), into gifts. None of us are infallible, but I am proud of who I am.

Be careful how you judge people you don’t really know.