Eshara on Nostr: I dunno how it’s possible to miss someone I never really knew. I miss my dad a lot ...

I dunno how it’s possible to miss someone I never really knew. I miss my dad a lot lately, but I never knew him - not really. He died before I could remember him properly. I have 4 memories - him picking me up from nursery, him holding me and cuddling me after I was crying, me asking him not to leave me, and him dying. I think he would have come with me on my long walks and visited galleries with me. Maybe he would have taken me to my first concert and we’d share music. I’d go on dates and he’d meet the guy eventually and make sure to scare him a little so he wouldn’t break my heart. When I got married he would have given me away, and would have danced with me. I like this picture, cos it kinda looks like he’s looking at me, I think. I swear, the older I get, the more emotional I get. Most inconvenient. I think it’s cos it’s getting close to my 29th and I feel nervous - not about getting old, but I just don’t want to end up like the bird lady from Home Alone 2 cos I make too many mistakes. I’m a giant baby, I know.

My family think I’m really mysterious, which always makes me laugh, but I guess I can be a bit secretive about things. I’m selective about meaningful things I share. It’s not that I’m trying to hide things, I just find it hard to talk about things I care about sometimes. Slightly easier to write about it. That’s one of the reasons why I post so much on nostr (and twitter, sorry 🫂). Juuuust in the off chance I’m ever unable to be there for my children one day, they WILL know me - if they want to. There will be a part of me online that will never die, here for when they need me, cos nostr will never go down.

I write in my diary for them too, but incase that gets lost, and Mr Musk somehow accidentally deletes twitter, they have nostr. Here’s where they can see their mum post about the London Underground 😅 but also when they’re almost 29 and feeling nervous, they will know it will be okay, cos once upon a time mum felt the same way, and she figured it out.

Of course, I could always end up like the bird lady in the park from ‘home alone 2’, without children, living in the roof of an opera house… (the last bit sounds rather lovely though).

Anyway, now that I’ve spilled a secret part of my heart all over nostr, sharing far too much, I’m off to bed. Goodnight 🫂