I have spent almost 40 years of my life depending on nothing else but my own #grit and #determination to merely #survive & keep my nose above water.
I am #exhausted
I am utterly #disheartened and I can't find #rest.
I am not that old, but spend 40 years of your life trying "not to lose it."
It wears you out. It scrapes you with a knife of any living bit of what it means to be you. It makes you wonder what is anything about? what is anything for?
You feel so #small, so #broken, so #helpless, so #alone.
How long can someone feel, be and remain #fed up?
What is the record? Is there a record? Should there even be a record?
I have been, not only "functional" but "highly-functional" for my entire life.
I am not a recipient of any kind of benefits. I have been working since I was a 7 year old kid, literally non-stop. I am working full time. But...
YOU GUESSED IT...
Can I make ends meet?
Have I had a vacation?
Has my husband had a vacation?
Do I spend time with my now adult children?
My granddaughter? My mother, who lives thousands of miles away, & who is chair-bound?
Did I spend any time or visited any of my many loved ones who have transcended to their heavenly rooms?
Did I spend enough quality time, at all, with my mother in law, who died in my arms this past July?
NO.
Yes, I am sorry , this is a rant.
Isn't wonderful that you have the choice to just NOT read this
I am not ok today.
When you feel the way I do, constantly on-edge, constantly anxious and affraid.
Knowing, always, how short life has been and is, and then understanding that what matters is our time spent loving, living, laughing, singing, touching, hugging, kissing, holding your loved ones... and you are not GRANTED the liberty to do just that, because of the #EconomicApartheid we live in?
Something as "simple" or "insignificant" as getting rejected for a new job, a new job which was going to reward me with $8.00 less an hour if I was "lucky" to be offered it, hurts like a punch in the gut.
Why?
Because I have now reached a stage in my life where I want to do something that DOES NOT require lying to people, or withholding key information! I am tired of it. I am tired of the bureaucracy, the cumbersome rules, regulations, protocols & processes that are in place for not much else but to create obstacles between the people and the utilization of what they've paid & they're told they have a right to use!
I'm not being all delicate here... It's is not just my #ethics, #morals, #principles & #religiousbeliefs that are at stake.
I have sold my body & soul for too far long now.
What's worse is that, not only my body & soul keep paying for this, but my sanity is simply trying to escape me.
I have no idea now what to do.
I can't go out and scream from the top of lungs, the way I literally feel the need to.
I can't strum my country guitar and come up with an amazing song that touches us all, so it goes viral, and I can then put my pretty red bow on my head and say "No, thank you, sir" to an 8 million dollar deal....
I can't go making my "only fans" channel cuz, honestly, I just can't... That may be right before I go deciding to call it quits on life altogether, I guess...
But all I can do is this for this moment:
I came here to BITCH. I feel I need to. I am crying right now. I feel I need to.
I came here to tell you this; if you are in any kind of situation that hurts you, that causes you pain, that makes you feel under attack, that makes you feel vulnerable, sick, nauseous, in pain, insignificant, or small...
Please know this:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
One way or another, I'm right there with you, pal!
If the one closest to you cannot understand or cannot empathize with you, that's ok. Don't fear reaching out to someone else!
Because you are here for something wonderful.
You and I are here for something wonderful.
You and I are here, in the world, and we struggle because we are NOT "of the world."
If my pain helps anyone out there. If my struggle reaches anyone you know who may be hurting.
Tell them too! They are not alone!
Yes, we are #toxic. Yes, we are #Nostriches. Yes, we're #Liberty #Maximalists. Yes, we're #Bitcoiners who throw up at the notion of #shitcoins.
Because we are #PURE of #Heart.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8
