Rebel on Nostr: I just wish I could be happy in this space. For weeks now, I haven’t been able to ...

I just wish I could be happy in this space. For weeks now, I haven’t been able to shake the thoughts and feelings in my head. The thoughts that I’m not good enough for you all, that I’m not one of you, that I don’t belong here, that I’ll never understand why I’m here and why I do the things I do. Things I’ve been spending years trying to understand, all fruitless and hopeless.

I get I’m different. I get I’m not what’s typically seen in the ABDL or babyfur communities. I’m straight. I’m monogamous. I’m not very kinky. I’m old school in my values and beliefs. I’m autistic. I’m traumatized. I don’t have the money or support a lot of others have in the community to really explore and embrace themselves. I use these things as a coping mechanism. It just always feels like I’m always going to be at an arms length with most folks here and I’m never going to get what I need out of it.

I’ve been playing with diapers and ageplay in some capacity since I was about 13 years old, and I’ve had an interest in it even longer that. It’s been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been misunderstood about it. I’ve seen therapists about it, but it’s all been negative reactions. One called me a pedophile in so many words, another sat me down with actual pedophiles in a group therapy session. As a lost and confused teenager, you can understand how this can impact someone.

I’ve spent years trying to explore this side of myself more with the limited resources I’ve had at my disposal. It’s difficult when more important things in life get in the way. I haven’t had the ability to do things like carve out my own safe small space, as much as I wish I had the ability and resources to do so. I’m finally at a point where I feel comfortable enough to start putting myself out there to let this side of me fly and be free to find that help and explore, but it feels like nobody wants to help me do that, at least here locally, and I don’t have the means to travel and do all these cons or events. My partner isn’t entirely supportive either. I’m thankful she’s supportive of some aspects of the things I do, but I know this isn’t one of them.

Guys, I’m asking- no, I’m begging and I’m pleading, if you can help me explore and figure these things out, I’d really appreciate it. I need to find my inner peace.