YSO (serious) on Nostr: i went to Alvin’s funeral. i was probably only 8 or 9 at the time, it was my ...

i went to Alvin’s funeral. i was probably only 8 or 9 at the time, it was my dad’s weekend to have custody of me. he apologized to me and said he didn’t want to go, but he had to. he told me he was specifically requested in Alvin’s will, even though it was at least 13 years old, “back when the problems had just began, but before they all caught up to him.”

when i got there, i understood why my dad didn’t want to go. everyone there seemed mad at him. no one came to talk us. my dad was furious that Dave didn’t even show up, said it was the least he could have done. i overheard people kept asking each other where Simon was. there was someone tall that watched from afar, from under a tree on a hill, but they left before the casket was lowered.

i’ll never forget seeing the Chippettes cover “You Were Always on My Mind.” i was scared of Britney because she looked dead herself, but i knew from her voice she was still alive, still feeling, still hurting. she never finished the song. Jeanette said “show’s over, folks” and flicked her cigarette butt at the coffin.

everyone seemed in a hurry to leave when it was over. i think they had already done all their mourning well before this day. but my dad, he told me to wait by the car because there was one last thing he needed to tell Alvin, in private.

i wasn’t alone for long. Theodore came up and knelt down to talk to me, told me it was very good of me to come with my dad that day and be so patient with all the adults. i asked him why everyone was mad at my dad.

he nodded and thought for a moment before he explained “some people think today would have never happened if Alvin never met your daddy, but your daddy isn’t to blame. Alvin did this to himself. being a grown-up means making decisions for yourself, like knowing when to stop and knowing when to get help. Alvin may have been old enough to do this, but he wasn’t strong enough. you see, Alvin was in a lot of pain. all the time. and your daddy, well, he helped Alvin not always feel that way all the time. like when the doctor gives you medicine so you feel better.”

though i know better now, i was confused at the time. “But Dad isn’t a doctor,” I told him.

Theodore sighed and smiled weakly. “I know, sweetheart. I know.”

When my dad returned, he looked worried to see Theodore talking to me. He looked at me, then asked “What did you say?”

Theodore just replied “That this wasn’t your fault” and hugged him before walking away.

we sat in the car for what seemed like an hour afterwards while my dad cried. he kept saying “i’m sorry, i’m sorry” but i never figured out if it was to me.

we never spoke of this day again, but listening to this album now, i can still see Britney’s eyes and hear her voice when “You Were Always On My Mind” plays.