"It's a lot easier for me to forgive others than it is to forgive myself.
Someone asked me the other day, as part of a process, to make a list of people who had hurt me in my life. That was one of the most awkward things I’ve ever been asked to do - because, I just don’t remember. I don’t hold on to those things in such a way. Honestly? Sometimes I wish I did - but I’ve always tried to understand why people act the way they do, even if I wouldn’t, and especially I aim at understanding what part I may have played in it, if any.
I do connect certain reactions or feelings, when they arise, to past experiences or moments that left a mark in me, but for healing and processing, not blame. Ultimately, I don’t retain names or moments in a way that fits into a question like that.
My selective memory protects me, but at the same time, it doesn't do that with my own actions. I can point out when I hurt someone, directly or indirectly. I remember the moments I was told, and those I understood by myself. They are the biggest lessons for me.
A slight problem is, I may neglect my own context, how I was truly feeling at the time - and although that doesn't justify everything, is interesting to experience how I bring such understanding to others but not to myself. How I put myself aside to make space for someone else's truth. Both can co-exist.
I’m still learning that I need to be careful with how much blame I absorb, as sometimes I make myself responsible even when I don't have to.
I have to stay mindful of that - not only to avoid overcompensating, but to be kind to myself too." ❤️
All this to say, sometimes we must unlearn what is inherent to us.
#coffeechain #grownostr #self-reflection