A little pupdate, about what happened during the SniffiVerse™ walkies. I mentioned a wee bit in my SniffiVerse™ toot, and in the selfie post I shared on Pixelfed (https://pixelfed.social/p/PixysSnaps/833123965682683241). Now, I've had some time to relax and progress. Now, I am on the couch, with Arwen at my feet, and I have all these feelings and emotions...
It is going to be a "weird" night for me. I still want to do some exercises. But, I need to write something first. Since Arwen going all wobbly on me during the short SniffiVerse™ walkies, my brain got a bit messed up. I was soooo worried that I was going to lose her there and then. I was so worried that I could not get her home safely. I was so scared that this was going to be the end of our journey together...
I know, I have been through this last month as well. She was struggling so much back then. But, ever since I got her on new meds, she's been doing OK. Well, aside from the upset tummy that we had to deal with last week...
But, there we were, just walking, me on my phone, Arwen getting her sniffs. We got to the bit where she usually gets a cookie. And then, she started wobbling like she was drunk. It was like her legs couldn't carry her anymore. I quickly put my phone down, and I knelt next to her. Arwen had sat down, and she was leaning against me. A tear escaped my eyes, as I felt like she trusted me to keep her safe. And that made me love her so much, but it also made me more scared of losing her there and then.
We sat together. She leaned to me, I cuddled her. And then, she tried to get up. She was still wobbly, so she quickly sat down again. I got her leash out, as she was off it, and when she tried to get up again, I was all ready to help her home. But... She didn't eat the shortest way home! She was like "that's not the way, and where is that cookie?!". She seemed all OK, like nothing had happened and she just relaxed for a bit.
We slowly walked on, I let her lead. She was a bit upset that she wasn't allowed off-leash at the field, but, if anything would happen to her on there, I don't think I could get her out safely then.
We got home, safe and sound, and she had her snacks. I worked on my blog a little bit, she just snoozed... I went back down, Arwen made (reluctantly) some space for me to be on the couch with her. And now, I am writing this, and she is snoozing, softly snoring, like all is well.
I wonder what happened... Did she have a small seizure? Maybe a small brain bleed that caused her to lose stability and what happened? She didn't do anything "weird", besides becoming wobbly and unstable. She didn't shake, her heart rate seemed to stay normal enough, as I was holding her with my hand on her chest, to check it. I was all ready to call my parents from their bed... If my hip would have been better, I would have done everything to "just" carry her home, if needed. But, I knew that the risks would be too big of me falling over with her in my arms. So, here I was, all ready to get to a "worst case" scenario.
But, that wasn't necessary. Just a few minutes of Arwen, resting her body against mine, being cuddled and fuzzed over, and she was "back to normal". But me, I am just so worried now... Because, this could be another sign that the journey we're on together, is really coming to an end... She is struggling more and I just keep trying to do what's right for her. But... I know, that some day, what is right for her, is what will wreck me up...
Slowly, she is struggling more with her health. And at some point, I have to be the wise hoomum and tell her that it's been enough. But it's so hard, as Arwen keeps being so happy in between all that's going on. She still wants the walkies, the foods, the cuddles. She wants to keep going on. And she wags her tail while doing just that. Even when her tummy was so upset, and she was feeling like crap (no pun intented, but yeah...
), whenever she saw me, or people she knew, her tail would be so happy and she'd be all there... When she started struggling more last month, when I was preparing to say goodbye, when I was looking for cremation options and urns... I was selfish and I wanted her to be there for me when I have my surgery. With the new meds, she's still here. And, part of me still hopes that she will be there for me when I need to recover. But, I just know that she should neve suffer, just to "be there for me". I would never want that for her...
So yeah, I will monitor her best I can. I will be there for her best I can. I will try to get her the meds and care that she needs. I just hope that she knows that, when it's no longer good for her to continue going on, that she is allowed to say goodbye. No suffering for her because I can't say goodbye. She's seen me though the best and worst times. She's never judged me. She's always supported me. And, she needs me to do the same for her.
I will do my best to provide her with all she needs. I just love her so much. Typing all this brought so many tears to my eyes,
I was scared I was losing her during the walkies tonight. I'll always be scared of losing her... But, I know it will happen, some day... And I don't want her to "last longer" than she really is able to... Ugh...
Losing a loved pet when I was in a relationship was hard, even when I had support and someone to cry together with. I still had my life with them, that kept part of the routine going. But, when I will lose Arwen, it will be just me, only me, for the first time ever, and I feel that this is what I fear most. The emptiness, the loss of love, the loss of our routine together.
I will overcome. I *have to* overcome, when the time comes... But yeah, I am afraid of being alone...
For those of you who made it all the way to the end... Thank you!
This may be one of the longest Toots I've ever written. And still, I have so many chars left... The beauty of Beige...
I will probably use a large part of this Toot for a blog post as well.....
Thank you for caring!
💜 🍀 🐾#PixysJourney
PS. image I added is an older one of Arwen, November 2022, but I really love it, and it's also hanging in the living room, between the two front windows... I'll do my best with the alt text, as this is a personal snap...
