Shannon Skinner (she/her) on Nostr: Once upon a time, a local businessman named QElon Spacekaren bought Twitter Tavern, ...

Once upon a time, a local businessman named QElon Spacekaren bought Twitter Tavern, the town’s watering hole. He fancied it might be cool to own a bar, a place where the community comes together to share ideas and camaraderie. He figured his business acumen as a manufacturer of explosive devices would serve him well in his new endeavor.

His first order of business was firing all the employees except for one bartender. The Twitter Tavern would no longer employ table service staff nor a bouncer at the door.

You see, Mr. Spacekaren thought Twitter Tavern allocated too much money towards good service to its patrons and too much time ensuring civility and safety for regulars and newcomers alike. “That’ll be easy profit in my pocket,” he thought.

But with only one bartender on staff to serve thirsty customers, wash dishes, and order and stock products, customers grew disgruntled.

Next, Mr. Spacekaren granted amnesty to all patrons who’d been 86’ed from Twitter Tavern in the past. “Welcome, welcome, one and all!” he proclaimed as he opened the door to a flood of abusive and rowdy patrons who’d been given the boot by the former owner long ago.

Despite the deteriorating atmosphere, some regulars continued to drink there. After all, they had always drunk there and figured they could sit on the other side of the establishment, a measured distance away from the unruly hooligans.

But as the Tavern’s customer base shrank, Mr. Spacekaren realized he needed a new revenue source.

“I know,” he thought, “I’ll sell monthly Beer Bird Memberships that promise priority service and reserved seating at the bar.”

Soon, the barstools filled with loud and offensive drunkards who made unreasonable demands based on their priority status.

The regulars sitting across the room increasingly found the new atmosphere distasteful and the cacophony more difficult to avoid. But they stayed, because, after all, they had always drunk there.

As Twitter Tavern’s revenue shrank to one third of its previous level, Mr. Spacekaren neglected to pay rent. He also failed to pay his beer distributors for product on delivery. Mr. Spacekaren, long misjudged as the town’s preeminent business mind, was losing money fast.

“This tavern needs some entertainment to bring the crowds back,” he thought. So, he brought in performers such as Mr. Foxy McBigot and Mr. Grift Vaxwhacker Jr. to boost business. While this seemed fun to Mr. Spacekaren, and his Beer Birds raved, his regulars remained nonplussed.

Over time, Mr. Spacekaren got further behind on rent. His failure to pay the beer distributors caused them to cease delivery, and Twitter Tavern ran short on beer.

As a result, Mr. Spacekaren decided to enforce daily limits on the number of beers served per customer. Beer Birds would get 4 beers per day; everyone else would only get one.

The overworked bartender rationed beer and wasted time tracking individuals’ consumption. Service slowed even further. All the Tavern’s customers complained about the limits. Beer distributors saw the reduced beer sales as further justification to skip delivery there.

Twitter Tavern regulars gradually admitted to themselves that their favorite watering hole had transformed into a shithole. They began seeking alternative places to drink.

Many defected en masse to Tooter’s Taproom down the street. There, they found ample ale, an atmosphere of camaraderie, and a robust collective of bouncers to keep out abusers and hooligans.

The End

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