Oddtail on Nostr: (1/2) I've been somewhat negative, but life is not all doom and gloom forever. More ...

(1/2)
I've been somewhat negative, but life is not all doom and gloom forever. More people are good than the loud bigots might make it seem. A lot of people do try.

Most cis people in my life are cool, esp. close friends. The rest are just, normal. I've only had a handful of bad experiences in two years of being out.

In that spirit, here's a handy guide for cises on how to treat trans people, from the perspective of a trans woman in Poland - because specific circumstances DO matter! Trans people come in all shapes and sizes and shades of "weird" or "mundane".

1) This should go without saying, but just treat us as the gender or genders that we are. Despite what bigots tell you, we do not want "special treatment". Mostly we just want to go about our day.
2) Being supportive is good, and I personally do not mind comments to the effect of "you are so brave!", because I'm a self-absorbed asshole who thrives on the attention. But most trans people are tired. Think of it this way: some people want to blend and be treated as normal, because we are not abnormal. Being followed with a spotlight is not always what we need.
3) You don't have to pretend we're cis. It's OK to speak up when we're faced with bigotry. In fact, it's crucial. But don't single us out either, because positive othering is still othering. It's a delicate balance. But again - spotlights are not conducive to blending in.
4) Pull us into things that your gender "does". This is speaking from personal experience - I have no idea how women interact. And I do not have the confidence (or experience) to initiate myself into the little cultural rituals that cis women know. Like... women go to bathrooms in herds, right? (sorry). I'd never do that. I have too much impostor syndrome. But if someone said "I need to go to the washroom, would you join me" or whatever (see? I'm THIS awkward, I don't know the script), I would not only agree, but probably die a little inside from sheer happiness.
5) We are accused constantly of pretending to be our gender, or being fetishists, or essentially cosplaying a gender. We put up a confident front because we have to. But we do internalise some of that misogyny. Cis women can probably relate. Help us dismantle that if you can.
6) It's OK to ask questions, provided you understand that the other person may not have the energy to answer them. But I have yet to meet this imaginary trans woman who gets offended at people not knowing stuff. Just don't ask inappropriate stuff. If you wouldn't talk about something to me if I was cis, probably don't ask me (*coughgenitalscough*). OK, I tell a lie, I am ridiculously open about most every topis. But I'm the exception.
7) Normalise thinking that not everything is strictly obvious about gender and gender roles, but do not remember that ONLY when we're around. A good example of good-intentioned allies is asking ONLY trans people their pronouns. It's alienating and cringe. We hate that. Should you ask people their pronouns? Yes. But you should do it ALL THE TIME and yes - ask ppl you're pretty sure are cis. That's the entire POINT. You do not KNOW pp;'s pronouns. If you make the question an implicit statement of "I know you're trans, and I RESPECT YOU SO MUCH", then you're not being a good ally.

(cont. in part 2)